I imagine myself attending the commencement at WA, being proud of having acquired the important skills for my future dream of being a diplomat. WA enjoys a unique diversity, which is not to be found anywhere else. Each student from his own homeland brings in a new taste of culture and mutual understanding. This advantage gives me the chance to learn firsthand how people from every walk of life think and live. Having a brief but exact knowledge about cultures and traditions enables me, a future global citizen and a diplomat, to make a quick adjustment while working overseas. WA also offers me an opportunity to try many things that I wo'nt be able to do in Vietnam. I can learn a totally new foreign language to explore a new culture. I can also join a debate club to strengthen my speaking and critical thinking abilities. At the moment, I am holding the position of the School Student Discipline Committee, which gives me a sense of confidence and leadership.the experienced and responsible teaching staff at Wasatch Academy can provide me with the knowledge I need in both life and future career. i would love to learn from the best teachers in the best classes that WA has to offer. there's a strong belief in me that all of my hidden talents or abilities can be explored and developed during the years at WA. Deep in my heart, I understand that after three years there, I would leave this place with more than what I walked in with. And I believe WA is the perfect environment where my dreams will take flight, and many other treasures will be found.
please correct it. this means a lot to me. it's my life. thank you for your time
Pick three things in specific that interest you about WA.
So far it seems you have these three things in mind:
1. to learn firsthand how people from every walk of life think and live.
2. I can learn a totally new foreign language to explore a new culture.
3. I can also join a debate club to strengthen my speaking and critical thinking abilities.
Then use them in a 5 paragraph essay structure. For example:
Paragraph one: Hooker, Thesis, 3 points. (For example, "Three reasons I wish to attend WA are _____, ______, and _____,")
Paragraph two: Explain the first topic in your three points.
Paragraph three: Transition, (like "Also, In addition, etc) then explain the second topic of your three points.
Paragraph Four: Transition, then explain the third topic of your three points.
Paragraph Five: Restate your thesis, summarize your three points, and reach a conclusion.
Each individual paragraph should have a similar structure-- 5 sentences: topic, 3 body sentences, clincher/conclusion. You can have a couple of extra body sentences if necessary. Other than that, just be sure to mix up your sentence structure, (look up subject, prepositional, ly-adverb, -ing opener, clausal, and very short sentance) and you'll do well.
Also, some good advice Kevin gave to another user was to make sure you establish a "purpose" before you write. How are you going to make a significant difference as a diplomat? Why is it important for humanity to have you as a diplomat educated at this particular school? You have to envision the future in a clear way, and, through this little essay, give the impression that you have such a clear, well-developed, specific plan for your process via this school -- that it would be a shame not to accept you. A clear plan involving this school's specific programs and resources is what makes these successful. You are trying to convince a person that you are in the middle of a meaningful, well-conceived process.
Good luck!
I imagine myself attending the commencement at WA, being proud of having acquired the important skills for my future dream of be[coming]ing a diplomat.
WA enjoys a unique diversity, which is not to be found anywhere else. Each student from his own homeland brings in a new taste of culture and mutual understanding. This advantage gives me the [a] chance to learn [at] first-hand how people from every walk of life think and live. Having a brief but exact knowledge about cultures and traditions [will] enable me, [as] a future global citizen and a diplomat, to make a quick adjustments while working overseas.
WA also offers me an opportunity to try many things that I wo'nt [would not] be able to do in Vietnam. I can learn a totally new foreign language to explore a new culture. I can also join a debat[ing] club to strengthen my speaking and critical thinking [skills]abilities .
At the moment, I am [in] holding the position of the School Student Discipline Committee, which gives me a sense of confidence and leadership. t[T]he experienced and responsible teaching staff at Wasatch Academy can provide me with the knowledge I need in both life and future career[and] i[I] would love to learn from the best teachers in the best classes that WA has to offer.
t[T]here's a strong belief in me that all of my hidden talents or abilities can be explored and developed during the years at WA. Deep in my heart, I understand that after three years there, I would leave this place with more than what I walked in with . I believe WA is the perfect environment where my dreams will take flight, and many other treasures will be found.
...being proud of having acquired the important skills that will be important in my future dream of being as a (what kind of) diplomat.
Each student brings from his own homeland brings in a new taste of culture and mutual understanding .
...things that I won't be able...
Deep in my heart, I understand that after three years there , I would leave this place with more than what I had when I walked in.
This will be much better with 3 paragraphs.
What kind of diplomat? Do you want to study political science? Be specific about your future career. Research it online and add some details.
You have lots of good advice here in this thread. Let's see an even better draft! Separate it into paragraphs..
actually it is a short essay. I am only allowed to write a paragraph so can't separate it into small ones.
I have changed my idea. I decided not to mention my dream of becoming a diplomat so the essay will be better as I don't have many supportive ideas for my dream.
Thank you all for your advice. I will correct the essay soon.
Good luck! I really liked the idea of writing about being a diplomat. You can learn about a political science major in order to come up with good, supporting ideas.
so any comments about writing an admission paragraph :( i prefer an essay. it's easier to tell a story to prove myself