A teacher once told me:"I've always wondered how great your curiosity is. Every time there's something new that interest you, your eyes are widely open, with sparkles of passion. You'd always ask me these acute questions, some of which I don't even have a solution to. You'd start analyze things while trying, digging, researching for days hoping to find that explanation, anticipating for an intellectual discussion. You care so much and you want to know everything; there's no end to your ambition. High school is not enough for your needs anymore;" he paused: "you are ready to find your university." "The" university perfect for me, I thought I would never find it. Coincidentally, I found Duke. That second, I fell in love.
To be honest, it was Duke's pretty campus pictures that first caught my eye; indeed attracted, I couldn't stop but spending hours flipping through these pretty pictures: the magnificent buildings, the beautiful green, the unbeatable enthusiasm of the Blue Devils fans, the humorous touch to the words on the school website, the overall inviting and refreshing atmosphere, and absolutely everything, amazed me. These pictures created a story which I aspire: rigorous academic training, top research opportunities, world-class diversity of the student body, and most importantly, the unrivaled school spirit. Inside these pictures I see the fun and enriching life at Duke; the life that I dream to live, the challenges I wish to undertake, the energy I anticipate to share, and the fun that I want to enjoy. Duke's continuous striving to reach academic excellence, its constant seeking to progress and challenge, its innovative passion for growth and understanding perfectly accord my curiosity and ambition to connect with the world. I don't know which is greater, the passion that I possess or the energy that Duke presents; however, I know there's a mutual attraction, and that the combination of the two would be something prominent. I want to go to Duke and contribute my ardor. I want to participate in K-Ville and be the happiest camper. I want to join Duke Engage, explore the history and connect with difference civilizations. I want to meet the best people from all around the world, share our passion, celebrate our differences, and develop lifelong friendships. I want to feel the zest of the Blue Devils by joining the vivacious cheers (I may not be the one with the best "athlete gene" on the court, but I'll definitely be the loudest one on the bleachers). I want to sit in the most rigorous but lively classes and learn from the best professors whom I adore. I want to challenge, to reach, to make mistakes, to climb up from mistakes, to improve, to grow, and to succeed. I want to contribute my intellectual thoughts to Duke's dominant research projects. I want Duke to be the institution that light that sparkles of passion in my eye and turn it into the brightest blaze that brings warmth to the whole universe. I want Duke to be my home away from home, because Duke is where I belong. I am ready for Duke.
I know it's probably really bad, cuz it was a last minute thing. =[ if someone can give me some comments corrections n suggestions itd be greatly appreaciated =] thanks!!
The second paragraph is pretty decent actually; u shud just look into the number of sentences u began with " i want" here...it gets a bit monotonous and repetitive...unless of course u meant to get your point across in that manner
I hate to tell u this, but u simply have to get rid of the first paragraph...It just seems weird and unreal...U wud have a mighty time trying to convince anyone that a conversation took place between u two involving those exact words; and also, don't write that u fell in love with Duke the moment u heard of it( this is super-cliche and just seems pretentious)
Write a different first paragraph and u will have a very good essay...GOOD JOB AND GOOD LUCK
Please Look Over MY Amherst Supplement
I agree with maroon5, the entire first paragraph needs to go. I think, though, that you could just start with your second paragraph instead of rewriting the first one; the first sentence of it works as a nice lead in to the essay. Ignoring the intro, the essay is really nice, especially the ending! "I want to challenge, to reach, to make mistakes, to climb up from mistakes, to improve, to grow, and to succeed." is definitely my favourite sentence! Good luck :)
I also agree that you should not include the first paragraph. As you describe pictures of Duke, maybe you could also specify buildings that caught your attention and how you wish to utilize the resources hidden within those building. Overall very well written and as kellbell pointed out, by including some of the personal attributes you wish to develop at Duke, you add a certain edge to your essay. I especially like your ending. However, I personally think it would be stronger if you did not include the last two sentences.
erm, you sure those were the exact words your teachers said? sounded unreal to me.
your second paragraph is pretty good tho. im fine with the "i want" repetitions. found them more impactful than monotonous. shows that you've done research on the university itself anyway.
you should take into account what admission2012 said tho. the part about loving duke just because you saw pictures on its website.
hmm, but that wont immediately place you in the rejection pile. it depends on the whole package of your application anyway.
