Princeton Supplement: Liberation from the Social Machine

Could you guys tell me if this adequetely answers the question and, well, if it's pton material?

[PROMPT]
Using one of the themes below as a starting point, write about a person, event, or experience that helped you define one of your values or in some way changed how you approach the world. Please do not repeat, in full or in part, the essay you wrote for the Common Application.

[QUESTION]
5. Using a favorite quotation from an essay or book you have read in the last three years as a starting point, tell us about an event or experience that helped you define one of your values or changed how you approach the world. Please write the quotation, title and author at the beginning of your essay.

[ESSAY]

"The guilty one is not he who commits the sin, but the one who causes the darkness." Les Miserables, Victor Hugo

Tyrants, bloodthirsty and vice-driven, they ensued their relentless assault, battering their victim with savage furor, untempered by her pitiful cries for release.

"Why?" "You can't!" "We need you." "You're too talented." Like hail, the compliments came - and like acid, each seared deeper and deeper into her flesh, siphoning the little motivation she had left. Society's expectations, manifest as the incessant beleaguering of her friends and family, left no respite, no rest in the midst of its overbearing fortissimo.

And so, there my best friend stood, a shell of the livelihood she once embodied, no longer emanating her once jovial aura. A fellow musician and leader, she had once striven with an ambition I could have only hoped to mimic, and yet, after our years of effort - of copresidency in our literary magazine, of directing the concert and show choirs, of being fellow section leaders, of laboring over regions choir pieces - she had decrescendoed into nothingness.

In place of her triumphant descant, all that remained was a whimper. A sforzando, she had come all at once, commanding her surroundings - and instantly, in fear of disappointing her supporters, she disappeared. Leadership, solos, ensembles - amidst a chorus of criticisms, she faded from it all.

But the criticism did not cease there. Those she trusted - her "friends" - could not look beyond their convoluted perception of what should be. Possessed by the notion that they were encouraging her to do better, to grow, it was they who set her on this self-deprecating path from the start - it was they who, in their crude idealism, committed her to ensemble after ensemble, compelled her to work towards unattainable perfection, urged her to strive higher and higher.

It was they who brought her to that resounding fortissimo, that peak of ambition.

And it was they who left her there to decrescendo.

Afflicted with clinical anxiety and bereft of her makeshift support system, she dwindled deeper and deeper into her depression - and so, fueled by my knowledge of psychology and healthcare experience, I intervened.

As I consoled her, as I empathized for her retreat from grandeur, her missed potential meant nothing to me - all that mattered, in those crucial moments, was providing sanctuary. And so, sentiment after sentiment, funny video after video, anime soundtrack after soundtrack, I revived her.

Crescendo poco a poco, she blossomed. Unconventionally she ascended, not by taking on new roles but by relinquishing old ones. Liberated beyond the darkness of society's standards, she found herself transcendent, no longer prone to the vile encouragement of those around her.

And, in that moment of catharsis, of apotheosis, I reveled vicariously. I found myself relinquishing claim from the old elitist goals I used to cherish, from the Milgram automaton archetype. Where I once valued competitive triumph, I now sought purposeful self-satisfaction. Developing relationships, finding pleasure in my artistic passions, seeking to develop my understanding of the mind and provide outreach for those with mental illness - these aspirations burgeoned, untainted by avarice.

The meaningless social machine - the basin that implanted Machivallian creed, the darkness that disseminated sin - no longer shackled me.

I was free.

Wow! This is very sophisticated. It answered the prompt perfectly and it is well laid out. The only think I would say is that it's a little hard to follow. I don't know if it was just me, but I got lost a few times and had to reread it.

Does anyone else have the difficulty to reread?

Also, does anyone find the flow between my description of her suffering and my own intervention to be ragged?

Great beginning!
I do have a few minor suggestions however.

The first few sentences are very eye-catching, but your use of high vocabulary words seems to come off as..excessive. While it's great to have a few of those scattered about to show off your knowledge, the adcom doesn't like their applicants to sound like a walking thesaurus. I suggest switching out some of these words like "inundating" and "invectives" for more simpler terms.

Like compliments, the epithets came I don't think epithet is the right term here. Even if you kept it in, it's still a little confusing and doesn't provoke strong imagery

Okay, to be honest, after skimming the next few lines, I stopped reading. I don't mean to come off as too harsh, but your choice of words, like ben_mayo said, makes it a lot more difficult to read, even for an adcom with sophisticated education. From your stylistic techniques, I can tell you're a very good writer. You don't need those fancy words to prove it anymore. Maybe try toning down your vocabulary and use more colloquial terms. While you do want to come off as "Smart", you also want to make sure your essay flows well and is easy to read.:)

So first, try cutting out those really excessive terms to make your essay a lot more easily readable.
Post your second draft, and I can review that again if you want.

Thanks a lot! I tried editing while maintaining the same style, but I was only able to make the following changes. Is it still rough to read?

Okay, I understand it a lot better!... or I could be getting it all wrong.
So, you helped your friend battle through her depression by acting as her sanctuary, right? You provided her love, laughter, and meaning to the world, by blocking out society's poisonous expectations and selfish desires.

That is what you should be focusing on. You need to focus on you! :) The vivid descriptions about your friend's pain would be awesome if you were writing a novel, but the prompt is asking about how you were affected and how your perspective on the world changed. Cut down on your friend's experiences, and write more about yours. In the end, the adcom doesn't care about your friend. They care about you and what you have to offer to them.

You mention artistic passions, but then you never delve into them.

I love how you incorporated musical terms within this essay. It's very powerful and works very effectively.
But now, alas, I've got to point out a few sentences whose choices of words could be improved.

And, in that moment of catharsis, of apotheosis,
these aspirations burgeoned, untainted by avarice.
The meaningless social machine - the basin that implanted Machivallian creed, the darkness that disseminated sin Okay so I like the first point, because that makes sense with what you're trying to convey, but I think you can delete "the darkness that disseminated sin". It's effective without this portion.

Keep working on this!!

Thank you for your help! Also, your notre dame thread, which one?

Oh I deleted it because I wanted to write a whole entire new one :)
When I post it up later, can you take a look at it?

And no problem!