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Web Development and machine Learning;Princeton supplement /Last two summers

sarthakjain 19 / 58  
Dec 25, 2012   #1
prompt : Please tell us how you have spent the last two summers (or vacations between school years), including any jobs you have held, if not already detailed on the Common Application. ( 2500 characters )

please help me with this essay. It is a first draft, so it may be filled with grammatical errors or bad sentences. Please check for grammar too. Also does it appear interesting and apt for the prompt or mundane and cliche ?

The scorching heat of sun was burning my skin as I stood before fifty awaiting eyes, contemplating over whether their time outside the comfort of air conditioner worth it. During Indian summer of 2012, I was to mentor my juniors for 8 week period over the mechanics of Web Development and machine Learning. Having studied those subjects as a part of an online class and an internship programme two years before, I decided to share my little knowledge with my friends before leaving my high school. Though my hands were shaking, I was determined to do this. Thus started a ride on an intellectual roller coaster which had quite a few inversions and loops, including but not limited to me burning out a computer when I tried to code along with my peers a particularly geeky code. But aside from those obstacles, the ride was fairly a smooth one. I was able to gain a deeper understanding of my own knowledge while being able to develop an interest for Artificial Intelligence in my juniors. Working together as a team, we were also able to develop a completely new bio-metric system for faculty attendance in our school, which made our school look pretty cool in front of visitors. But the seed for this idea was sown in me a year before when I attended an internship programme at Jawaharlal Nehru University. Organized each year for newly passed out 10th grade students, it provided dreamers like me to interact with industry experts and gain an understanding of new technologies. Here was I introduced to that idea of machine learning. Though the programme ran for one week only, it amazed me to an extent that I took up independent research on its application in medicine. Alas, I couldn't complete that, but surely it paved way for building of the bio-metric system. Clearly, my last two summers have been quite crazy. I was subjected to a wide variety of new ideas and experiences, which contributed to my intellect and opened up new avenues for me. I taught and learnt, created and destroyed, but most importantly explored and developed.
college134nj - / 44 7  
Dec 25, 2012   #2
good overall... but i think the nature of this essay is that they want u to get straight to the point. "What did u do the last 2 summers?" - so I'd remove the first sentence... i kno there are multiple approaches to this essay, but I'd just go straight out and list what I did over summer. tell them what you did, iwth some description... dont make it too "essay" like cause IMO its meant to be more like a short answer than an essay...

Differentiate more between last summer and the summer before that.
OP sarthakjain 19 / 58  
Dec 25, 2012   #3
thanks for the review . i will post the revised version soon.

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