This is a first draft of the Princeton supplement question: "Write about a person who has influenced you". I think I start out strong but falter in the middle. I would like keep the conclusion though. Any suggestions would be appreciated.
"Here you have a red velvet cupcake topped with whipped cream cheese frosting and a sprinkling of cocoa powder," I formally presented like a competitor on Top Chef. I watched in suspense as my toughest critic took a bite out of my baked concoction. She finished chewing and inhaled to speak. "It's 'unscrumptious'," responded my little sister, her mouth smothered with white frosting. Using her knowledge from watching Food Network, she informed me that the frosting needed more sugar.
Growing up, I discovered that it was difficult for my parents to honestly criticize me. They would always remark, "Oh, it's fine" or "This is excellent!" if they were feeling exceptionally motivational. Despite their positive attitudes, I knew I needed genuine critiques if I wanted to improve. Hopeless, I eventually turned to Caroline, my petite sibling who turned out to be the only truthful judge in the house.
Caroline may be lacking in the height department but her words sure do pack a punch. Her words are like vaccine shots: they hurt going in but the outcome is always better. When I followed her advice and sweetened the frosting, the cupcakes ended up being bestsellers at a Spanish National Honor Society bake sale. As I continued to bake up decadent brownies, towering cakes and miniature macaroons, I sought Caroline's input. Each time she would inform me of a deficiency in taste or an unappetizing presentation. Her palate became a guide for me, and soon enough I perfected each recipe I attempted, satiating even Caroline. After creating dozens of baked goods, I felt accomplished enough to open my own bakery and I envisioned my sister as a judge on Iron Chef.
Whether it's because she's fearless or ignorant, Caroline has the ability to reach places not even my parents or friends could attain. Attacking my every move and judging each remark, she has revealed a completely new world to me, a world of imperfections. Things that I never would have known like my glasses being too low or my speaking too quickly were made obvious by her observations. As a result, I repaired these dents in the armor and evolved into a more refined person.
Caroline has also opened me up to criticism. She embodies the negative extreme of the spectrum making it easier for me to soak in the criticisms of my peers. Rather than getting infuriated or stubborn, I take each criticism to heart and absorb its meaning to avoid making a mistake again.
As a rule of thumb, I find that if I can please my sister, I can please most anyone. However, there are just some things she finds difficult to see as attractive. I can already hear her voice in my head: "This essay is boring." (459)
"Here you have a red velvet cupcake topped with whipped cream cheese frosting and a sprinkling of cocoa powder," I formally presented like a competitor on Top Chef. I watched in suspense as my toughest critic took a bite out of my baked concoction. She finished chewing and inhaled to speak. "It's 'unscrumptious'," responded my little sister, her mouth smothered with white frosting. Using her knowledge from watching Food Network, she informed me that the frosting needed more sugar.
Growing up, I discovered that it was difficult for my parents to honestly criticize me. They would always remark, "Oh, it's fine" or "This is excellent!" if they were feeling exceptionally motivational. Despite their positive attitudes, I knew I needed genuine critiques if I wanted to improve. Hopeless, I eventually turned to Caroline, my petite sibling who turned out to be the only truthful judge in the house.
Caroline may be lacking in the height department but her words sure do pack a punch. Her words are like vaccine shots: they hurt going in but the outcome is always better. When I followed her advice and sweetened the frosting, the cupcakes ended up being bestsellers at a Spanish National Honor Society bake sale. As I continued to bake up decadent brownies, towering cakes and miniature macaroons, I sought Caroline's input. Each time she would inform me of a deficiency in taste or an unappetizing presentation. Her palate became a guide for me, and soon enough I perfected each recipe I attempted, satiating even Caroline. After creating dozens of baked goods, I felt accomplished enough to open my own bakery and I envisioned my sister as a judge on Iron Chef.
Whether it's because she's fearless or ignorant, Caroline has the ability to reach places not even my parents or friends could attain. Attacking my every move and judging each remark, she has revealed a completely new world to me, a world of imperfections. Things that I never would have known like my glasses being too low or my speaking too quickly were made obvious by her observations. As a result, I repaired these dents in the armor and evolved into a more refined person.
Caroline has also opened me up to criticism. She embodies the negative extreme of the spectrum making it easier for me to soak in the criticisms of my peers. Rather than getting infuriated or stubborn, I take each criticism to heart and absorb its meaning to avoid making a mistake again.
As a rule of thumb, I find that if I can please my sister, I can please most anyone. However, there are just some things she finds difficult to see as attractive. I can already hear her voice in my head: "This essay is boring." (459)
