Hey everyone! I'm just looking for a few suggestions on how to improve this essay! Thanks :)
Option 1 - Tell us about a person who has influenced you in a significant way.
As I was riding the mustard-yellow school van on the way back from a debate tournament, I posed a question to my fellow debaters: "What would you do if you couldn't read?" As they all mused over their thoughts, I began thinking about how I first learned to decipher messages from random groupings of 26 letters. One person came to my mind, who I thought about while gathering responses from my friends. I will remain eternally thankful to her.
Three days later, at the club's weekly meeting, the discussion continued. The conversation shifted to the respective origins of our reading skills. As my turn to share my benefactor came around, I braced myself for looks of shock and astonishment in the faces across the table from me. "My sister," I disclosed.
My prediction was accurate: my friends were stunned. I offered assurance that they heard me correctly.
My sister's instruction began the summer before I started Pre-K. As we would sit glued to the crimson carpet of the family office from 11:00 to noon every morning, I would race through her vowel and consonant drills and complete the word exercises with the fastest speed my elementary writing skills allowed. She could identify where my strengths and weaknesses lay, and tailored a curriculum to fit my progress. Her constant encouragement was always my motivation, and her big red stars at the top of each worksheet drove me to come back to the family office the next day...not that I had much of a choice.
When I began Pre-K, I was at the top of my class in reading, able to read the words in the picture books in the playroom. As my sister walked in the front door every weekday at 3:15, I would speed to the foyer and recount my day's stories about my reading successes. She would respond with not only words of cheer, but also tips on how to make my reading skills even better. She always knew how to push me farther than I already was, and I was always receptive to her encouraging remarks.
As we grew older, my desire to emulate her increased. The typical younger brother, I wanted to be "just like" my big sister. I wanted to be "just like" the older kids I saw on the bus every day, and to me, my sister was the perfect example. I began to talk to my parents and friends in the same manner as she did, I began to copy her mannerisms, and I even began to adopt her study habits. The latter was the most constructive decision I ever made. Not only did they bring her immense academic success, but they also led her to the top of her academic class. I hoped my imitation would do the same.
As I recalled the discussions I had with my friends after posing question, a thought came to my mind. What if I ask the question to the person who made it possible in the first place? I darted to my sister's bedroom, and asked. Her response: "What would you do if you didn't have a sister?"
It is very well written! Good job!
I would eliminate the I will remain eternally thankful to her so that the essay flows better. Try making the introduction leading up to the part of your sister a bit more shorter so that the reader doesn't get bored and miss the point. Remember, the admissions officers will be skimming your essay, so you have to make the point quicker.
Hope this helps! Good Luck!
One person came to my mind, who I thought about while gathering responses from my friends. ----this sentence is sort of unclear. Can you come up with a less awkward way to say it?
As they all mused over their thoughts, I began thinking about how I first learned to decipher messages from random groupings of 26 letters. Soon, I was gathering my friends' responses to that hypothetical question and reminiscing about my sister's role in my learning process.
I will remain eternally thankful to her, because (I think a detail or two would be good here).
I can definitely relate to this- My sister taught me to read too!
mind, who I thought about while gathering responses from my friends.
I think it's "whom".
Like Kevin and saadish, I thought the first paragraph was just slightly awkward, but overall, it's good writing that shows your eagerness to learn even at four.
