'Promotion of higher thinking' - stanford a good place for you - edit

This is my response to the prompt "Tell Us What Makes Stanford a Good Place For You." This is a rough draft so please be brutal with it! I tried to talk about myself, not brag about how great Stanford is, include why Stanford would benefit from having me as a student, and give a little background info about where i come from [white suburbia, first generation college student]. Tell me your thoughts! [1611 characters out of possible 1800]

Stanford's motto, "the wind of freedom blows", embodies my outlook on the future and my personal potential beyond the whitewashed suburbia where I currently reside. Because of my ambitious disposition, I long to break free from the fetters of normalcy that encompass my community, and escape to a place where innovation, individuality, and inquiry are allowed to mature and blossom. I want to take hold of the reigns of my life, to pursue a path that will allow me to truly make a difference in society, and be surrounded by peers who share this motivated spirit with me. Stanford is the epitome of this desire because it is an environment where novel thoughts are encouraged and research is promoted, where new discoveries are being made constantly and society is benefiting from the service of its students.

Unlike any other university, Stanford excels in its promotion of higher thinking through its modern facilities, such as the research laboratories of James H. Clark Center, and its lecture halls, filled with Nobel Prize winning professors. This is a place where dreams become tangible and one person's efforts really can cause a ripple effect of change. As a Stanford student, I would take full advantage of the resources available to gain knowledge and embark on projects of my own, aspiring to one day make a contribution that my Stanford experience laid the groundwork for. As a first generation student to attend a university, I believe that this is my chance to excel beyond the mediocre expectations of my community and achieve more than my ancestors would have ever dreamed possible.

I want to take hold of the reigns of my life

i think you mean "reins"

the tone of the essay is great, but i think you need to be more specific... you could be talking about any top-tier school with your descriptions. try to research the school programs more and show that you have taken serious thought into choosing to apply to stanford.

best of luck!

haha yeah, reins was a typo. my bad.

and i tried to be stanford-specific by mentioning one of its research facilities and by quoting its motto, but i think it would be a good idea to research and find more facts. i just don't wanna sound like i'm worshipping the school... unless the admins would view that as flattering...

are there any more opinions on this essay? pleaseee?

ya this def is a really hard prompt to write on.
So for advice, I would say to be more decisive. You need to act like you have the upper hand, I mean this key to success for almost anything whether its a debate, getting a girlfriend, or writing an essay. And then I would recommend you don't disparage your community. Be the most positive of everything you can. Say that you are satisfied..but satisfied isn't enough for you is it!!? You need to make it sound like that, and it will be fabulous! Of course, its really good already..just some tips.

Hope it helps!

thanks, i definitely realized afterwards that the essay sounded a bit too negative. i removed some of the negativity [which usually required taking away some adjectives] so i think the tone is much better on my final draft.

It's hard for a first-gen college student to figure this out. Having not heard any college tales growing up, you really have to imagine more than know at this point.

I didn't think that your comments about your upbringing were necessarily negative. At least some sense of realism is important too. I would keep that sense and extend it to Stanford as well, knowing that it isn't a perfect place but that it has the potential to change your life in very positive ways. Then it won't seem so much worshipful as just realistic.

I like how you start this essay with the motto and saying how it embodies your outlook.

I am a bit hesitant to endorse your use of "whitewashed suburbia" in this essay. While I would agree with you in person if we were talking about getting out of a "whitewashed suburbia"... the condescending tone that this could capture might reflect poorly on you.

"Ambitious disposition" too wordy. A lot of the essay is too wordy. It feels like you are trying WAYYY to hard to prove that you are smart.

"fetters of normalcy that encompass my community"--- too condescending about your community. Makes you sound naive to discredit an entire community/make them boring/whitewashed/drab in one swoop. Just reflects immaturity.

It is great that you want to pursue a path that will allow you to make a difference. The "reigns of life" metaphor is cheesy. You could do without it.

And that sentence is a run on... "and be surrounded by peers" feels tacked on, and makes for awkward reading.

I gotta run so I can't finish with all of this. But, good luck!

Aside from what others have mentioned, I would add in more specifics about Stanford. Your description of research facilities and famous professors could apply to any other top-tier school. This sentence "This is a place where dreams become tangible and one person's efforts really can cause a ripple effect of change" is too vague. Maybe you could look up a few unique programs that Stanford offers that interests you.

in reference to onix, the final draft of the essay has a lot less adjectives in it. i'm a naturally wordy person and i absolutely love descriptive words, but i've realized that i need to tone it down a bit. or a lot. part of that minimization was getting rid of negatively connoted adjectives, so i think the overall tone has improved.

also in reference to mmmargarita, i added some specifics about stanford, and more specifically, it's medical program. hopefully by referencing them it'll sound more stanford-directed. i was hesitant in naming specific professors and such... i think it would be awkward to talk about people i've never really heard of before i started the essay...