PROUD TO OVERCOME AND BE ME UC TRANSFER PERSONAL STATEMENT

This is for UC application prompt: Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

Let me know any grammatical errors, or what you thought of it. Anything at all helps. I need feedback please!

My life has been a series of unfortunate events. Some may call me dramatic, but little do they know what my body holds.

Senior year in high school, when I should've been rejoicing with my acceptance into UC Riverside, I instead was making huge life decisions for two people.

Months prior to my acceptance, I started to feel queasy. I couldn't wake up without rushing to the bathroom and puking my guts out. I remember trying to figure out what was going on with my body. Why was I so tired and nauseous all the time? I put two and two together. I might be pregnant.

I remember calling my friend and telling her that I was scared beyond words. She came over armed with 99-cent store pregnancy tests, and sat outside as I peed on all three. Two negative, one positive. That was not the answer I wanted.

I went to a pro-life pregnancy center where I took a definitive test that would determine the rest my life. It came back positive. I was 11 weeks pregnant.

What was I supposed to do about this new life that I brought into the world? The guy that I was with was emotionally draining and physically abusive. When you're in that relationship, your entire mind and body is taken over. You don't have a voice for yourself. Your every action is controlled by what he wants.

I foolishly told him. All he said, or all he did, was hand me $80 necessary to have an abortion, and said, "Get rid of it." He never acknowledged that we created a baby. He never acknowledged me.

I contemplated for days as my baby grew bigger inside of me. I initially thought I could bring the child to full term, and then give it away to parents that could take care of it. However, sitting in that seat with the ultrasound machine, I had to request the nurse to turn the image away from me. I couldn't do it.

The only other option was termination. This was against everything that I stood for. I'm Chinese and Christian. Even the thought of having premarital sex or having a child out of wedlock, is unheard of.

My whole life was ahead of me. I just got into UC Riverside. But I had no education, job, means or even money to my name. I was just a kid as well. I could barely take care of myself. My parents would have killed me, and I didn't want to live under him. I didn't want my child to be brought up in that kind of life. If I bring someone into the world, I want to give it the world.

If people ask why I went through it, and how do I live with it today. I'll tell them, I was young and naďve. How do I live with it? I don't. Every year that passes his/her birthday I still wonder what life would be like.

I'm not proud that I didn't beat the statistic. I'm not proud of not speaking up. I'm not proud of a lot of things that happened, but I am proud that I'm still alive.

I'm proud that I can finally give others and myself a voice. I can stand by others and know exactly what they're going through. I am proud that despite the circumstances, and the things that I lived through, that I am stronger than others and more than just a stigma. I am proud to be a woman. I am proud to be pro-choice, and I'm proud to be me.

Phoebe, your story is one that will definitely shock the reviewer. If he ever gets to the part about you suspecting you are pregnant and then confirming it. Your opening paragraph is just too verbose to be as effective as it should be. My suggestion is that you try to cut down on the background that you have right now. Just get to the point. Tell the reviewer instead about the kind of relationship that you had with this man. Discuss the relationship with him and your family that led you to decide that this was the best choice for you.

You need to lead the reviewer on the soul searching journey that you went on. What were the factors that you considered when opting for this decision? Why did you not opt to have the baby adopted after birth instead? You need to convince the reader that you did not have a choice in this matter and that the decision to abort was the best one for you. What were the factors that persuaded you to decide upon it? More importantly, how has this affected the person that you are today?

You definitely show remorse for your decision. That is a good thing. It shows how until now, you are torn apart by what you did. This remorse is supported by the factors that led you to decide upon the abortion. Make sure that connection is clear. Then, in conclusion, discuss how important being pro-choice is to you. Tell us how being pro-choice has helped you become a better person. Don't just say that you are not a stigma. Tell us how the whole process has made you a better person and why you are thankful for what happened even though others might crucify you for the decision you made.

By the way, I admire your conviction and your desire to move on with your life. While I know this will stay with you forever, know that you did was best for you and the fetus at the time. I truly believe that things could have been worse for both of you if you had gone through with it and it would have been more difficult for you to move on with your life under a new and difficult dynamic.