"to prove myself at the apex of academics" Why Brown

~1000 characters

I have two versions for this. Please tell me which you like best and if you have any critique/comments please let me know. Thanks in advance!

Version A:

Although it is the Ivy status that reeled me in, there are others factors that make Brown my choice - such as its cutting-edge research department. Brown has an unparalleled devotion to innovation in research and is something I hope to experience myself; specifically in the field of biology in which Brown has many loci. Brown's faculty is the ideal guide for me to become a top researcher as it is packed with leaders in their respective fields. Another attribute of Brown which is very important and personal to me is its neighborhood volunteer work through the Swearer Center. Helping others and giving back to the community is an indispensable facet of my life and something I am very passionate about. To be able to tie various passions of mine and possibly acquire new ones is what makes Brown so great and unique. The ability to explore through Brown's "New Curriculum" and mix and match everything that is important to me is what makes Brown my choice.

Version B:

There are many factors that make Brown an ideal choice. One of the most important is its cutting-edge research department. Brown has an unparalleled devotion to innovation in research and is something I hope to experience myself when I am doing biological research - which Brown has many loci in. Brown's faculty and their undying loyalty to help students achieve their full potential is the ideal guide to help me achieve my dream of becoming a top researcher. Another attribute of Brown which is very important and personal to me is its neighborhood volunteer work through the Swearer Center. Helping others and giving back to the community is an indispensable facet of my life and something I am very passionate about. The ability to explore through Brown's "New Curriculum" and mix and match everything that is important to me makes Brown a unique choice. To be able to tie various passions of mine and possibly acquire new ones makes Brown my choice

I like version B better, but honestly you need a better introduction. Most admissions counsellors don't want to hear that you're applying to their school because of it's Ivy League status. Plus you said "privileged elite", there's just some things you shouldn't say. It seems to me the only reason why you're applying to Brown is because it's an Ivy League and that's just so off-putting. I don't mean to be mean or harsh, but that's just what it seems like to me. I think you should go for more of Brown, the school for me, not just Brown, the Ivy League school. Also re-reading your conclusion, you didn't really conclude anything. It just kind of ended. Good luck.

I like your "Swearer Center". this is a kind of details make your "why essays"much more detailed and let the AO know that you know a lot about their school.

try to be more specific rather than something seem vacuous.

btw your idea is pretty cool, just try to add more details.~~

good luck

perhaps instead of saying "everything that is important to me" you should restate the two very different areas that you plan on studying that Brown allows you to combine. Like, if you're interesting in majoring in both biological research and French literature, now would be the time to say it. I think they want to see those kinds of specifics.

You're personal connection with the Swearer Center will help you a lot!

That's my two cents.

Best of luck!