Prompt: Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your word has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
--------------------------------------------------------------
My life is not a story of overcoming the odds in life and becoming an unexpected success; however, it's just a story like that that has influenced my life the most. You may not know it but my family's income, or our upper-middle class lifestyle, but my father grew up with little around him and little to look forward to. Growing up in a single parent, close to poverty, household, he had little future to look forward to. Yet he rose up and made his way to college and eventually the owner of his own construction company.
It seems as though his success is a bitter-sweet gift to me. Ever since I...
----------------------------------------------
476/500 words.
So what do you think, mainly content wise? Is it a good topic? Did I write it well and answer the prompt well? Will it make me more appealing or less? etc...
Thanks ahead of time to everyone.
Seems like a good topic to me but check your words to make sure you don't come off in a negative tone.
This explains where your father grew up and how he has affected you to strive to be the best.
This answers the prompt well. Though, that part about your father aiding you throughout your life is good but I, personally, wouldn't put that you live up to others expectations. It makes you seem like you don't have your own personal goals. I would add something about personal goals in there so you don't seeml like you're living solely for other people's purposes (& I doubt you do, but that is what it sounds like).
I don't quite understand what you mean in the fourth paragraph about having a "chip" on your shoulder. You might confuse people with this. It would be best to clarify what you mean.
That sentence about your drive is really good. My parents keep telling me that in every essay there should be something that describes your determination.
There is one grammatical error, I believe. Your last sentence is a giant comma splice (If I am wrong, which I might be, then I would research comma splices). You should separate that one sentence into three separate sentences or rewrite it.
That part about your child, Ren is it? If that is the childs name you should capitalize the first letter. Also, if you do indeed have a child (If you are a teenager), then I wouldnt put this in here. It puts you in a bad light for having a child early. Its not my personal bias that kind of thing is just frowned upon in society. So, I would rephrase that by saying my future children/family, or something.
---OK, I believe that is all I have to say for now. And, I am not just saying this because I have to get to submitting my own essays and actually typing them up. So good luck with getting in. (Coincidentally, I am also applying to a school in Illinois---that is if UC means University of Chicago, if not then oops.)
---If there are any spelling errors then please understand...it is like four in the morning :)
