Psychology Undergrad: Work Experience as Laser tech

ESSAY #2: In an essay of 300 words or less, choose one extracurricular activity, work experience or community service project from the list you provided on the application and explain why you initially chose it, why you continued with it, and how you benefited from it.

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I have worked at a bookstore, a computer security firm, a laser company and independently as a computer technician. There is no doubt in my mind that being a laser technician was the most fulfilling job I have ever held.

The job consisted of setting up lasers for concerts, corporate events and other public and private functions.

Like most other kids from the 80's, I had an almost mystical fascination with lasers. Beautiful beams of powerful light, that could blind you in an instant or bind you under the spell of intensity. And here was a company willing to let ME manhandle lasers THOUSANDS of times more powerful (and expensive) than I had dreamed of playing with as a child. So powerful, infact , that we would sometimes use the lasers to light our cigarettes (thereby, as the joke at work went, using the world's most expensive cigarette lighters).

It was physically challenging work, hauling 150 pound power supplies, water coolers, hoses, and laser heads up and down flights of stairs and scaffolding. I loved the intense exercise, everyday left me sweaty, dirty and enthusiastically looking forward to the next day at work.

It was mentally challenging: after all the hauling, one needed to be aware of concepts of plumbing, electrical systems, electronics, computer programming, AND optics! A phenomenal cocktail of appreciable power could be unleashed if one was informed in those fields. If there was a slip-up, the penalty would cost the company thousands of dollars. There was intense pressure for perfectionism, which I wholeheartedly embraced. I learnt to appreciate taking a set of tasks, like a show, from beginning to end using smooth, elegant solutions that made life easier and safer.

I learnt so much. I learnt how to hook up pumps, set up plumbing on a large scale on short time frames, how to fix problems with power supplies, how to program laser projectors, how to tune mirror alignments, how to roll a hose, electronics assembly/soldering...

I learnt a lot, from the best; the oldest entertainment laser company in the world. I had a great time with them.

I thought the content was quite good. I just did not like the final sentence, because I am sure you can come up with a more effective finale.

Thanks for your suggestion, Faisal. I understand what you mean.

Is the below more effective?

I learnt a lot, from the best. It gave me a chance to learn about things I had zero experience of, and opened my mind to the idea that a diverse, organic, dynamic learning experience is sometimes better than a one track, one subject, one dimensional approach to get the job done.

You have an incomplete sentence here:
Like most other kids from the 80's, I had an almost mystical fascination with lasers -- beautiful beams of powerful light that could blind you in an instant or bind you under the spell of intensity.

I merged 2 with a dash and got rid of a comma.

In that first para, you should add a "hook" sentence before the 2 sentences of the para and a thesis sentence after them. So, add a sentence to the beginning and end of that para. Let the thesis statement be something thoughtful about the implications of this fact about you.

What is up with that single-sentence paragraph about what the job consisted of? Let that be part of the next paragraph.

I suggest this:

para #2
Like most other kids from the 80's, I had an almost mystical fascination with lasers. Beautiful beams of powerful light, that could blind you in an instant or bind you under the spell of intensity. And here was a company willing to let ME manhandle lasers THOUSANDS of times more powerful (and expensive) than I had dreamed of playing with as a child. So powerful, infact , that we would sometimes use the lasers to light our cigarettes (thereby, as the joke at work went, using the world's most expensive cigarette lighters).

The job consisted of setting up lasers for concerts, corporate events and other public and private functions. It was physically challenging work, hauling 150 pound power supplies, water coolers, hoses, and laser heads up and down flights of stairs and scaffolding. I loved the intense exercise, everyday left me sweaty, dirty and enthusiastically looking forward to the next day at work.