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Prompt #2: Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?
I have been an excellent ...
I have been an excellent public speaker since I was in elementary school. I was awarded many prizes for speech contests, and I presented at school festivals, talent shows, and student events in my community. I am good at writing a script and quite comfortable to be in front of people. It builds my confidence, and I have become a leader throughout elementary and middle school.
In my opinion, reading the prompt, I think you should specify a certain accomplishment you are going to speak about in the introduction. You have more of an array of things you have done.
In high school, I was the president of the Korean Traditional Instrument Team. My sophomore class planned to go on a school trip to Japan. I knew there was a sister school in Japan, so I suggested to my school that my team could perform Korean music for Japanese students at their school. Fortunately, the school approved my idea.It was my project, so my responsibility was huge.*I think this could be worded better* I encountered many unexpected hardships. Some members felt stressed about the performance, so they complained to the other crew and had an argument with them. Then, the air of meetings became heavy and music got messier than the music for fun*Should reword, grammar is confusing.*.--It embarrassed me! I noticed that leading people is different from reading scripts. A leader had to be not only being in front of the members but also with them. Thus, for me, uniting members was a priority in order to perform harmonious music. I tried to make the practice meetings as comfortable as possible. I also sat beside and encouraged the members who had a hard time. Then, we started to enjoy playing the harmonious music as well as the companionship of the crew. Our performance in Japan was really successful! Japanese students were impressed by the performance and the unique instruments.
Through this project, I realized the importance of interaction in being a good leader. Therefore, I joined the American Red Cross in my first year of college to learn how to interact with people well. I participated in many volunteer opportunities and events. Through these experiences, I got to know many neighbors closely and understood their various situations and hardships. Volunteer opportunities gave me a wonderful lesson that caring and helping people with a warm heart is the key for a leader. Luckily, in my second year, I became a vice president in the club. I introduced my club in public at the inter-council meeting, identified and organized the volunteer opportunities, and encouraged the members to enjoy these opportunities as much as I did. As a result of my contribution, I saw the club growing bigger and better. Thanks to this experience, now I am happy to see the real leadership in me with my confidence as well as affective interaction with others.
You shouldn't use exclamation marks in formal writting.
Last paragraph introduces different topics like other volunteering you have done and doesn't fully explain, try to remain more focused on your topic.
Overall, I like the story I just think you should stay focused throughout the essay.
I'd apreciate it if you took a look at my essay also :)
Cheers.
