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"the rapidly changing field of science" -My University of Illinois Admission Essay #1

matthewskin 1 / 1  
Oct 18, 2010   #1
I would very much appreciate any advice. I'm sure this essay could still use some fine tuning. As is, it is roughly 300 words. Thanks!

In an essay of 300 words or less, please discuss your academic interests and/or professional goals.

"Since getting a computer for my sixteenth birthday, I have been drawn to learning. Every morning I would rush to the computer to check the Yahoo News and read the latest articles. A tingle would run down my spine when I would come upon an article about space or a new piece of insight into "the unknown." As time went on, I naturally became more active in the quest to quench my thirst for knowledge. Consequently, since Philosophy deals with learning how to learn, reason, and ask yourself important questions, I came to the conclusion that we would be a perfect match.

This year in my Psychology class, we delved into what is now my absolute favorite topic, the human brain. As we learned about all of the intricate systems involved in making the brain function, I immediately became intrigued. Several documentaries and a few internet articles later, I was beginning to really understand how the brain works with the human body. I found it fascinating that even the slightest damage to the brain, and the nervous system that it works so closely with, could turn a persons life upside down.

I had finally realized what I wanted to pursue as a career. I wanted to work in medicine, more specifically, I wanted to be a Neurosurgeon. What better way to learn about the brain than to have a job where I work with it hands on. Not only do I get to work with the brain, but I can help people while I am doing it. My dream: forever working in the rapidly changing field of science and changing lives doing it. My education will be a long and bumpy road, but I would like nothing more than to start this journey at the University of Illinois."

iceui2 - / 70  
Oct 19, 2010   #2
I like your last 2 paragraphs! But I'm not seeing how the first paragraph is connected with the rest of your essay. What does computer have to do with psychology and your desire to be a neurosurgeon? Make a stronger connection and the essay will turn from good to great. Good luck.
OP matthewskin 1 / 1  
Oct 19, 2010   #3
That dealt more with my major I chose. I am majoring in Philosophy and doing Pre-Med. You are definitely right though, I will look into reworking the first paragraph. Thank-you!
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
Oct 23, 2010   #4
Since getting a computer for my sixteenth birthday, I have been drawn to learning.

Let's change the word learning to something else. It will be difficult to compete against applicants who have enjoyed learning since kindergarten. Let's change it to "research." (i.e. web research.)

capitalize Internet.

If you want to be a neurosurgeon, this essay should include references to some recent articles written by specialists in this field. It should be full of specific statements of intention... Right now, it seems superficial, because it shows how you sort of drift into philosophy and then neurosurgery. Spend a paragraph proving that you have read something more than Yahoo news... journals like Applied Neuropsychology and Journal of Neurology, Neurosurgery, and Psychiatry.

If in the past year you have not read at least 5 recent articles from professional journals like these, you should select 5 and read them. Then, write a killer middle paragraph for this essay, and let it be full of evidence of your proactive effort toward catching up with what is going on in the field.

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