Hey, I just wrote the first draft of my University of Florida admission essay. The topic is:
Describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your family, your school or community activities, or your involvement in areas outside of school.
The essay I wrote happens to be a rather personal moment that I haven't shared with many people, therefore I was hoping for some feedback on it. Are there any grammatical errors? Is it clear and precise? Does the conclusion end on a weak note? If, so any suggestions with how to improve it? Any and all suggestions will be greatly appreciated.
Like most children, I have always idolized my mother. Even though she can never find her car keys in the morning, and was always an hour or two late when it came to picking me up, she was always the quintessential example of a prosperous person in my eyes. According to the Business Advisory Council, she is the Businesswoman of the Year, but to me she is simply the woman who got up early to help me glue my project poster together and the woman who made sure that my pig tails were even for the first day of school. The consistent optimist and boundless energy that made up her personality has always inspired me, and I have always come to her with all my problems.
Until I was 14, it never dawned on me to ask my mom about her own troubles. She was my "super-mom", my best friend; I always assumed that if she needed someone to talk to, she would come to me. But she never did. The moment that truly changed my outlook on life was the day that she had a panic attack in front of me. Being a mere freshman, I had no real life experience with mental breakdowns, so I started to cry along with her. She kept repeating "I can't breathe" and had to pull over on the side of the road. I was trembling almost as much as she was, and once we both managed to calm down, I bombarded her with questions. Over time, I found out that she's been struggling with panic attacks and periods of severe depression her entire life. Getting professional help always seemed like too much of an investment for her, so to this day she suppresses her issues.
After uncovering my mother's anxiety issues, I started doing fanatic research, and was appalled at how common it really was, and how few people actually get any treatment for it. It made me realize that my mom was just one of the millions of people suffering from unresolved emotional distress. Main excuses for avoiding treatment were the huge expanses and how health insurance usually doesn't cover it. Therefore, ever since that traumatic moment, I have decided that my lifelong goal is to earn my Clinical Psychology degree, and then open up my own Research Clinic that will further the borders of knowledge of disorders while at the same time offering free treatment to those in need. The fact that University of Florida has one the nation's most renowned psychology departments is what drew me in, and UF is now my number one choice. Even though I have a demanding job, I also have a stimulating psychology internship and have kept up my grades in a challenging biomedical magnet program. My determination and clear cut plan for the future is what makes me an excellent contribution to the campus community.
Excellent! You have great clear, concise, organized content. You explain a life changing experience and then connect that experience with your educational goals and your lifelong plans. A few mechanical issues, but overall you've got a very strong essay here.
Good work!
Thanks for everything Gloria! I will definitely go back and revise the mechanical issues, I didn't even realize there were so many. Oh, just one more question if its not too much of a bother. Do you think this essay is more then just a solid essay, do you think it will really impact the readers? I'm worried that it will just come of as a well-written essay, and nothing more.
You are welcome. I think that since this is a very personal essay you put a lot of emotion into it, and it does stand out. I believe it will impact your readers; it did me.
Regards,
Gloria
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