My reasons of choosing master of health management.

Hello everyone! I am Cho from Myanmar. This is my first time of applying australia award scholarship and first essay too. I really need of urgent help and comments. Thanks you all for your kindly attention.

How did you choose your proposed course and Institution?

Firstly, I have some sound reasons of choosing master of health management. I was graduated from the University of Community Health so it is compatible with my degree. I worked as a health assistant at Medecins du Monde (3MDGs MCH project). I provided supervision and support to volunteer health workers to ensure appropriate quality of health. After working a year as health assistant, I realized myself that I am really interested in public health management. I would like to participate at operating suitable health system to meet the need of community. I also worked at International rescue committee with the position of health officer. I facilitated health related technical support to fire-ceased ethnic health group in order to enhance maternal and child health service at their ethnic area. At this job, I learned appropriate approach have to use at different community background ( our union; Myanmar was organized with 135 ethnic group). There are a lot of questions in my mind and I would like to learn more public health management. I want to develop my professional skill more than now. Now our country; Myanmar is making energetic effort in development of health system strengthening. Myanmar new government is still marching forward a modern and democratic country hence there is a higher demand of skilled human resources .So it is also the accomplishment of my country.In addition, the health management program is promoting health leadership in areas of strategic planning, policy and decision-making. I have burning desire to have the ability to apply knowledge and skills in relation to public health principles and practice that reduce inequity in health care access and improve population health status.

Secondly, I chose the University of New South Wales as priority because it was ranked 49th at the world university ranking. Students can learn about the world renowned architecture and vibrant subculture. I chose the Flinders University as the second priority because the curriculum overview of health service management master attract me and provide what I want to learn.

@Myo Cho
The first sentence is a little weak as instead of indicating what your reasons are for choosing your program you just state that you have sound reasons. While it is good to have a list of reasons, I would suggest having an opening sentence that gives a brief overview of what they can expect to read. Here is an example of how I would introduce the essay: "From my extensive experience of both background and education, my decision to pursue a master degree in Health Management with the University of New South Wales is grounded in passion and knowledge." This will give the intended audience the core of what you will be saying as well as indicates immediately where you want to go, what you want to go for, and why you think you are worth acceptance in to the program.

Much of the first paragraph has short sentences starting with I, which makes the essay read more like a bullet point presentation rather than a discussion of your fitness for higher education. There are simple fixes for this, such as adding a comma instead of the period and continuing with something like "and facilitated health..." Combine these sentences based on what you are conveying: for the sentences of what you have done try to keep them together in two or three sentences and for what you hope to accomplish keep those grouped together. Leading the essay from what you have done to what you want to do provides a natural transition to the next paragraph which discusses how you aim to accomplish these goals, entering the master program with the University of New South Wales.

Assuming the essay is going to be seen directly by the admissions office of the University of New South Wales, I would add more sentences regarding the positive aspects the school has to offer. These can be things like cost, location, student/teacher ratio, the class offerings for the program, student affairs programs, and things along these lines. It will demonstrate that you have thoroughly considered your options and know what you are looking for in a school. I would remove stating interest in any other school, secondary choice or otherwise, as it can allow an admissions person to think that you may have enough interest in the other school that not being accepted would be fine. You may also want to consider removing "Secondly" from the beginning of the paragraph, it reads fine without the word and prevents it from looking like you are just addressing the question in bullet point format. Numbering paragraphs is primarily intended for when a list of information needs to be conveyed rather than when you are answering a serious interview question.

Good luck Cho with your higher education pursuits, I hope you get the scholarship you are looking for and that you see success in your academic pursuits.

Hello, you should have a sentence to introduce your essay. You cannot open your essay with ''firstly''.
Plus, the phrase ''appropriate quality of health'', I am not sure about this sentence and wonder whether it's true or not. You should check collocation dictionary first before rewriting.

If you want to write a good essay for applying scholarship, you have to express for people to know what special about you and why you choose this university, not because of its rank but something more and more special, suitable with you. I mean you should write more specific instead of writing too general about yourself and your chosen university.

Myo, the essay does not respond to the prompt at all. You will need to write a totally new essay that will better adhere to the prompt requirements and guidelines. It would be best if you discuss the two universities in the essay as a part of the reasons that you chose specific courses at these universities. That means, you need to consider how each course that you have chosen to attend at the university specifically applies to your professional goals and ambitions. In discussing how you chose your proposed course, you don't need to explain your academic and professional background as you did in this current essay. Instead, you need to focus on the problem points of your current career and why you feel that enrolling at this university, in a specific course ( that you need to mention) relates directly to resolving that issue. Along with those, the reason that you chose the institution must reflect a keen understanding of the university programs and training facilities in relation to your course. It isn't just about the ranking of the university. It should be only about the academic excellence of the university as well as the type of training that you can receive from them. The current essay that you have written does not even begin to come close to the required elements of the prompt. Hopefully, you can follow the instructions I provided in order to create the proper essay response for the AAS application. If you require additional reviews, please make your post urgent so that I can continue to advice you there. I cannot continue to advice you in this thread as I am only allowed to give you one free advice per thread / topic. That does not include the revisions you might be making.

@Myo Cho

I think it's better to provide reasons based on the courses which you hope / think will be relevant with your future career or will help you achieve your goals. AAS may consider all Australian universities are the best so talking about ranking will not impress the committee. It also indicates that you make an in-depth online research, checking all the possible courses, checking every university website one by one.

Actually this suggestion is from an awardee and has helped me with my essay. I do hope this can help you too. Good luck.

Thanks you all indeep for your comments and suggestion. I will rewrite my essay with all of your suggestions. I also need to enhance my writing skill too. This essay forum is the only help I can get so let me try again.Thanks a lot.