I am primarily concerned with the focus of this essay. I am wondering whether or not to keep main focus of the essay upon me opening up for a top billboard artist (provides motivation, shows passion), or to focus on the crippling injury I had. I believe that I should focus on the injury, but I am not sure what to cut out of my current essay.
In addition, I need help with my conclusion. Any suggestions? Also, is it too long?
Additional Information
Include any additional information that you would like to provide regarding special circumstances, additional qualifications, etc.
On June 17th of last year, I suffered a severe laceration on the webbing of my left hand from falling onto a shattered glass bottle. The cut appeared to be extremely deep, but the only option at the time to receive several stitches and to rest my left hand for two weeks.
The week after my stitches were off, my hand appeared to be fine and I went back to playing keyboards in a rock band with some of my childhood friends. Our little side-project was almost five-years old, and everyone who knew about us knew that it was our last summer playing shows, as each member would inevitably college. Over the years, we played a few venues ranging from talent shows to coffee shops, and we recorded a few demos for fun.
We had gained a few followers and some recognition, but on one sunny July day, we received an email from a top recording producer to open for the summer's number one billboard top artist, Far East Movement. From that moment on, our band knew that every spare moment was spent practicing for this once-in-a-lifetime experience. We soon found out that the show was in the middle of August, which thus made us work even harder as we knew it would be our last show.
During the month before the show, a small bump on my left hand started to grow, and I began to lose feeling in my thumb. However, at the time, nothing could have stopped me from practicing for the event. I realized that other band members were sacrificing their time, energy, and money for this event, and I did not want to jeopardize the experience for our members. Yet, each week, the numbness in my thumb continued to grow as I continued to focus on our band's last show.
On the day of the show, my entire body tingled with the exception of my left hand. As we set up at the venue, we could see a line of fans slowly building to get inside. The curtains closed, and we went back stage, each of us glowing with anxiety and excitement. When the curtains opened, we took to our instruments and realized we were playing in front a few thousand people. We quickly looked at each other, showing signs of stage fright, but the nervousness quickly went away at the beginning of our first song. With cheers from the crowd and adrenaline in our veins, we each began to play for fun and it showed. It was our time, our last time, to shine.
After the show, each member parted their ways and went to college the following week. Meanwhile, the pain in my thumb grew from being irritating to unbearable. I could no longer lie to myself that nothing was wrong; I had to admit the harsh reality and see a hand surgeon. Only after the first two weeks at USC, I was back home to receive extensive surgery on my left hand for to remove a tumor of nerve tissue.
The result of the surgery was painful in a multitude of ways. I was in a cast for nearly a month, and on a constant string of antibiotics and painkillers. Yet, what hurt more were the weekly trips back to the doctors that lasted for nearly three months. I often was forced to miss class to accommodate my doctors' schedule, and as a result, I was strained to rely upon my classmates' notes. I hated to admit the fact that the situation was out of my control, but I did my best to keep focus academically and get back to full health.
While I still would not give up the experience of playing a sold-out show to thousands of people, I deeply regret that I did not receive medical help for my hand earlier. I've learned my lesson to take care of medical issues before the symptoms develop into something much more problematic. Even though a scar is still visible on my left hand, I am grateful for full recovery, and I am certain that it will serve as a reminder to not only take care of my health, but of my priorities as well.
I think it's perfectly fine the way it is. Your essay works two-fold. One, it elaborates on your passions and how you are dedicated towards obtaining your goals. Also, you show compassion for your friends and how you sacrificed, potentially your health, to serve them. On the other hand, you explain very well how your health limited you academically. How the injury caused you to balance your academic life with your health. However, you fail to explain why you wrote this essay. Is it because you didn't do so well in school, or just because you felt like this was a good experience. Please explain that more towards the end. I'm still unsure why this essay was written, this can be explained in a couple sentences. Thanks and if you need any more help, message me back.
Can you please check over my P.A.D.S. essay? Thanks!
keep main focus of the essay upon me opening up for a top billboard artist (provides motivation, shows passion), or to focus on the crippling injury I had. I believe that I should focus on the injury, but I am not sure what to cut out of my current essay.
You have to know what you are trying to achieve. Use both these topics in order to achieve your real goal, which is to impress the reader with your excellent dedication and focus on achieving specific goals.
A quick, excellent way to improve this essay is to add 1 sentence to the first paragraph and 1 sentence to the last paragraph. Let them be sentences that express a single, powerful theme. The 2 sentences should express the same theme, though they may show different aspects of the main theme. The importance of getting medical attention early is not your main theme. Your main theme has something to do with showing who you are, how determined you are.
:-)
