This is my application essay, the topic is :"Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you". I have a big problem with repetition, specifically I repeat the word " I " too many time. I have spent one week to solve this problem but I haven't made any progress. I hope you can help me with this one. Grammar, vocabulary and other corrections are highly welcomed.
Thanks a lot.
"Arrrgg, hell, what is going with me?", woke up in the darkness of five o'clock, I said to myself, my head was as hurt as it was hit by a hammer. I had that headache the previous night; it was not unusual at first. I had thought a little sleep could help so I had gone to bed two hours earlier than I used to do. Unfortunately, the sickness still bothered me heavily after seven hours of resting and there was no sign that it has reduce but worse. Although I was not able to see anything in such darkness, there were odd, twinkling figures dancing in front of my eyes.
I tried to get back to sleep again, but it was useless, I could not sleep any more. I got out of my bed, drank some cold water, hoping I would get better, but there was no change. I decide to get something for my brain to do, for that it may "forget" the sickness. I put on my coat then took a walk around my town which was cover in pitch black, complete silence and cold fog. On the way, I thought mindlessly about many things, bad things, good things, past and future things and something for myself. Events from past to present appear and disappear unexpectedly, I felt I was walking in aisles of a library and watching the documents of my life.
At the beginning of the walk, I recalled the image of father of a friend, who died of a brain sickness. I did not know its name but I have heard about its symptoms: narrowed view, headache with the feeling of vomit, being paralyzed one arm or one part of the body. I have two symptom, headache and vomit. Thinking of those things caused a feeling that I would died by the same way as his father was. That was the first time I recognized the fear of death of mine, it was different from the fear of being hurt or failure, it was stronger and made me regret of my life. I have pass over many important things in silence. They could be parents care, friends but the one I think of most was myself.
For years, I have watched people around me left me to higher rank of the society. One of my friends won a scholarship to the US, my sister became one of the most famous young journalists and my parents succeed in their business. Each of them, day after day, always stands firmly and fights for their lives, any time they saw an opportunity they run and try to catch it no matter how hard it is and never consider the failure. Live near them, I observer them every day, like an audience watch a big show, just sit and enjoy it. Suddenly I discovered that I have never fought for myself but left thing passed over like a paper boat drifted out to sea. I truly regret of what I have done, I had chosen to walk on an easy, boring road and forget the existence of other ways which were rough but full of glories. Thinking of the threaten of the death brought by the sickness, I thought I have no change to correct mistake or fix my life.
A loud bark of a dog I walked passed pulled me out of my pessimistic thought. I recognized I was still standing there, in my hometown, still breathing, I still lived (unfortunately, my head still ached). Even if I died that early morning, I would not let it a bad morning. I started running slowly and caught the mixture of smell of steam in the fog and wild flowers' perfume in my nose. Sometime, I saw some neighbors jogging, I said "hello" to all of them. I ran a little faster, I felt the cold wind touch my skin softly. I hardly ever get up early to do exercise but that morning I really enjoyed running around my little home town. Quite tired of running a long way, I walk gently to home. I said to myself:" I've to live, even a single little hope, I'll try it". That morning I went to the doctor, he said I was shocked by the sudden change in temperature, not a brain illness. My happiness was undescribable. I lived again and still had a change to full fill my missing.
I thought God was playing with me, he placed me in a smooth road with no hardness then he made me recognize my mistake and gave me a change to fix it. " I will not waste it"-I said to myself.
Generally, the frequent use of "I" in a first person narrative is not considered repetition. But I see that you do, in fact, insert the "I" more than necessary. I'll give a couple of examples and let others jump in to offer others.
Sometimes , I saw some neighbors jogging andI said "hello" to all of them.
That morning I went to the doctor; he said I was shocked bymy symptoms were due to the sudden change in temperature, not a brain illness.
"Arrrgg, hell, what is going with me?", woke up in the darkness of five o'clock, I said to myself, as I woke up at five o'clock.myMy head was as hurt as it was hit by a hammerwas hurting, as if it had been struck by a hammer . I had that headachethis same headache the previous night; it was not unusual at first.however, it was not unusual then
'I tried to get back to sleep again, but it was useless, I could not sleep any more. I got out of my bed, drank some cold water, hopingand hoped toI would get better;but there was no change. I decided to get something for my brain to do, for that it may "forget" the sicknessto do something so as to distract myself from the sickness at hand . I put on my coat thenand took a walk around my town which was cover in pitch black,dark , completely silent and immersed in cold fog. On the way (Way to where, you never quite said) , I thought mindlessly about many things, bad things, good things, the past and future thingsthe futureand something for myself
. Events from past to present appear and disappear unexpectedly, I felt I was walking in aisles of a library and watching the documents of my life.'
^Do not get that last sentence. At all.
For years, I have watched people around me left me to higher rank of the society.
^What?
One of my friends won a scholarship to the US, my sister became one of the most famous young journalists *in the world? (or you can say 'my sister became a famous young journalist) and my parents succeed in their businesses . Each of them, day after day, always stands firmly and fights for their lives, any time they saw an opportunity they run and try to catch it no matter how hard it is and never consider the failure .Any time they are presented an opportunity, they take it by disregarding failure and any difficulties that may come along Live near them, I observer them every day, like an audience watch a big show, just sit and enjoy it . (Please, please check your grammar)
Suddenly I discovered that I have never fought for myself but left thing passed over like a paper boat drifted out to sea. (My god, I have never come across this simile in my life)
I truly regret of what I have done,. I had chosen to walk on an easy and boring road and forget the existence of other ways which were rough but full of glories.
^I think I have an idea of what you are trying to say in this last part. However, I am not entirely sure, because it is quite unclear what you are trying to say?
Thinking of the threaten of the death brought by the sickness, I thought I have no change to correct mistake or fix my life.
^What?
A loud bark of a dog I walked passed pulled me out of my pessimistic thought.
^Did you walk that dog before, or did you walk past it?
I recognized I was still standing there, in my hometown, still breathing, I still lived (unfortunately, my head still ached). Even if I died that early morning, I would not let it a bad morning.
^But you would be dead. You can not do anything about it.
I started running slowly and caught the mixture of smell of steam in the fog and wild flowers' perfume in my nose.
^You are smelling a mixture of scents. You did not catch 'a mixture of smell of steam..'
Sometime later, I saw some neighbors jogging and I said "hello" to all of them. I ran a little faster, I and felt the cold wind touch my skin softly.
^If you are running, I do not quite think that the wind would touch your skin softly. Definitely not softly.
I hardly ever get up early to do exercise but that morning I really enjoyed running around my little home town. Quite tired of runninghaving run a long way, I walkedgently to home. I said to myself:" I've to live, even a single little hope, I'll try it".
That morning I went to the doctor. He said I was shocked by the sudden change in temperature, not a brain illness.
^I think he was shocked at first. What is with the brain illness comment?
My happiness was undescribable.
^Poor spelling.
I lived again and still had a change to full fill my missing.
^again? What was missing?
I thought God was playing with me, he placed me in a smooth road with no hardness then he made me recognize my mistake and gave me a change to fix it. " I will not waste it"-I said to myself.
^There are grammatical errors. Also, what on earth are you trying to say. I do not get the metaphor at all.
Look, this essay needs work. Definitely. What is the significant experience?
You never quite talk about it. I still do not know what it is.
Is it when you walked around town, heard the dog bark, started running, or when you found out that your temperature rose?
You do not talk about it in detail, and do not assess that experience's impact on you and your personality and how it has changed you since then.
Bad essay.
Liebe, you are so funny.
The experience itself is sort of interesting -- a coincidence of symptoms that awakens with in you an awareness of your own mortality. The significance of that experience needs to be explored in more detail, though. Specifically, you might want to talk about how it inspired you to study whatever it is you want to study, or to apply whatever university you are applying to.
