Recount an incident or time when you experienced failure. How did it affect you, and what lessons did you learn?
A red sixth place ribbon hangs on my bulletin board of various accolades. Every day, as I walk past the wall in the hallway, the award mockingly congratulates me as I smile. Close friends and family wonder why I would feature such a failure for the world to see. But I never dare wipe away the memory of my sixth place hurdles sprint. I need that constant reminder of my imperfection. I need that sixth place.
In middle school, I joined my school's no-cut track team. One week before our first track meet, my coach unexpectedly assigned me to run the 200 meter hurdles. After a quick crash course on sprinting and hurdling along with several practice sprints, I mounted the starting blocks, took my mark, and sprinted as fast as my legs allowed me. I approach the first hurdle, and the worst thing that can ever happen in a hurdles sprint follows: I trip and stumble over the hurdle. I completed the race with whatever energy I had left in me. I had finished my race in last place.
The red for the first loser went to me.
After the awards ceremony, as I walked back to my school's team, carrying the sixth place red, I could not help but smile. I could smile because in spite of the loss, life continued; the next event began. I grasped the notion that I could accept this failure. That I should not take everything in life so seriously. Instead, why should I not just laugh at my clumsy self. I, certainly, wasn't the best track star, but that did not mean I could not enjoy track.
My red sixth place ribbon hangs there on my bulletin board for the world to see. Rather than shame, I take pride in it. By embracing my imperfections, I become a more confident, resilient person.
To be quite frank, you need to completely delete this and start over. It is blatant plagiarism of the "The Unathletic Department" essay from the Johns Hopkins page for "Essays That Worked." (apply.jhu.edu/apply/essays/)
A direct comparison here:
Meghan's (from Johns Hopkins) first paragraph: "A blue seventh place athletic ribbon hangs from my mantel. Every day, as I walk into my living room, the award mockingly congratulates me as I smile. Ironically, the blue seventh place ribbon resembles the first place ribbon in color; so, if I just cover up the tip of the seven, I may convince myself that I championed the fourth heat. But, I never dare to wipe away the memory of my seventh place swim; I need that daily reminder of my imperfection. I need that seventh place."
Your first paragraph: "A red sixth place ribbon hangs on my bulletin board of various accolades. Every day, as I walk past the wall in the hallway, the award mockingly congratulates me as I smile. Close friends and family wonder why I would feature such a failure for the world to see. But I never dare wipe away the memory of my sixth place hurdles sprint. I need that constant reminder of my imperfection. I need that sixth place."
And that's just the first paragraph. I guarantee you that any college you apply to will have read the essays posted on that page from Johns Hopkins, and will therefore know that you were directly copying that essay, simply changing a few small details.
Sample essays online should be used for inspiration. Not for this. You likely have either until Tuesday or November 1st if you're applying early anywhere, so I would get started writing your OWN essay and then get people to critique it.
Even if your essay would not have been plagiarized, you still would need to redo it.
The essay is choppy and incoherent, and I really don't get an insight into your personality.
If you want to write about a failure, think about a time where you actually did fail, then examine how that experience has impacted you. Once you rewrite it, re-post the essay and get feedback.
On a separate note, do not EVER plagiarize like you just did. Colleges WILL find out. They process all their essays for similarity, and even if there is a slight similarity, admission counselors will be able to see it, and I promise you, you won't even be considered for admission.
