Brandeis University Prompt:
Please include a short response to one of the four prompts below (250 words or fewer).
There is a ticket in your hand. Where are you going?
Please be as critical as possible! Thanks so much!
Word Count: 250
To be able to explore the world, without limits, such as money or outside influence, is the definition of freedom. If someone were to approach me with a ticket to go anywhere in the world, I would be boarding a plane to the serene, and astonishingly beautiful, St.Thomas USVI.
For my sixteenth birthday, I had the opportunity to visit this amazing island. As soon as the plane approached the island, the entire plane went silent; if a pin was dropped, it would have sounded like a bowling bowl. The simplicity of the green palm trees and hills that covered the island, was too much to take in all at once. It was such a euphoric moment because, twenty-five years prior to me seeing this beautiful island, it was one of the destinations on my parent's honeymoon. They loved it so much in fact, that they brought my grandparents back a year later, to celebrate their one year anniversary.
It is not only the natural beauty of the island that has captured my heart. But, it is the enthusiasm, love, and true rawness of the people that, at once, made me feel at home. My heart still aches for the friendships that were made , my brain still races everyday with the spectacular memories we made, and my face feels sore again from all the laughter. St.Thomas will always be my home, far away from home, and for that initial trip, that brought me to there, I am so thankful.
Brittany, I am quiet surprise with the prompt, it's intriguing and something that would be very nice to write about.
Here are my thoughts;
- it would have sounded like a bowling bowlhall .
- because, twenty-five years prior to me seeing this beautiful island,
- They loved it so much in fact , that they brought my grandparents
- back a year later, to celebrate their one year anniversary.
- It is not only the natural beauty of the island that has captured my heart. But( this is a very light and joyful feeling sentence so no "but , it is the enthusiasm, love, and true rawnessinnocence of the people that,
- at once, made me feel at home.
- and for that initial trip, that brought me to there, I am so thankfufor this unforgettable trip .
Brittany, I must say I'm a bit disappointed with how the essay progressed, you had quite a strong first paragraph but the essay didn't end very well. I hope the modifications I made help enhanced your essay.
Brittany, the essay prompt is asking you to give an imaginative answer to an impossible scenario (You have a ticket in your hand, where will you go?). Think outside of the box for your response to this prompt. Don't go for the obvious response or a place where you have already been. Don 't think about destination vacations or tourist spots. The response to this essay should some some part of your character or personality in relation to the way that you view the world, society, or just life in general. Talk about something that you have always wanted to do but could not have done. You also need to be more creative with your answer. don't respond in a narrative style, tell a story, make something up for yourself. Go on that adventure of a lifetime. How would it go?
Some of the creative responses to this prompt that I have read often involve some volunteer or civic activities that a student wishes to participate in overseas. For example, I once read an essay on this prompt that had the student hopping on a plane to join habitat for Humanity in South Africa so she could help build homes. Another one, took a plane to Namibia to help teach the under privileged children who could not attend school for the summer. Others, opt to join doctors for Humanity as a volunteer. In other words, they all opt to go for a response that will allow them to not only fulfill a passion of theirs, but also help others in the process. The ticket is their gateway to anything they wish to do for their betterment and the betterment of others. I believe that this is the same approach that you should take for this prompt.
The prompt is all about showing your humanitarian side I believe. Allowing the reviewer to get to know the selfless side of your personality in such a manner that provides some information as to what kind of socio-civic student participation they might expect from you as a potential student. While you gave an answer that feels right to you, try to reflect upon what it delivers in terms of your personality to the reviewer. Is this the kind of personality trait you want him to get to know you by? Or would you like to show him a more serious and caring side of yourself that would not normally be provided by the other common app prompts?
Mine is only a suggestion of course. You can always use the essay that you wrote if that is the one you are comfortable submitting :-) The final choice is always yours since you are the student applicant in this case.
Hi Brittany...
I will try to closely read your writing..
I will give you few suggestions. I hope that My suggestions can improve your grammar..
Keep's spirit...
^_^
If someone were to approached me with a ticket to go anywhere in the world, I would be boardingboard a plane to the serene,...
... had the opportunity to visit thisa amazing island.
... It was such a euphoric moment because, twenty-five years prior ...
They loved it so much in fact, that they brought my grandparents back a year later, to celebrate their one year anniversary.
... the island that has captured in my heart.
Note: You should not use many "comma" to a sentence. That can cause readers to be confused.
