PROMPT ONE: Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?
Everybody I associate with would consider me a happy-go-lucky, bright, creative, smart and sophisticated girl. There is never a frown upon my face and if anybody wants to have a good time they always call me. I seem to be able to laugh and have an excellent conversation with both adults and people my age. I always look at a cup as half full and dull days are only caused by people around me that are sad. I've been told how lucky I am and some people wish they could live my life and smile as often as I do. However, I always tell those closest to me that these masks we all wear can seem so convincing. I guess my mask was so well executed that nobody would guess I was diagnosed with depression.
A few months before I started High School I was sexually assaulted and almost raped. To this day it's a memory that I will never forget. The feeling of humiliation and shame seemed to stick like Velcro, so I covered the blister-like marks on my neck and chest with the hair that usually stayed up in a ballerina's bun. I willingly obeyed to the consequence for not coming home for my curfew and kept the crime swept under the rug for about a year. Constant flashbacks prevented me from holding in the recollection of that night, so I accepted the tears and braced myself with the harsh reality that life isn't fair at all. Finally, I told my mother how I was unwillingly forced to surrender my will.
Four years is a long time for an adventure and I can't say I'm cured, however, I do believe things happen for a reason so I thrived on that concept. My depression has ceased and my genuine smile has peeked out like a sun through the clouds after a long storm. I feel as if I have been forced to experience moments that not everybody is familiar with and that that night has subconsciously molded and shaped my dreams and aspirations. I've met many different psychologists, some are wonderful and others seem to be driven by the amount written on a checkbook. I realized that those that have a scar from the past can sincerely tape up a severely wounded heart without an incentive. I plan to fulfill my desires and prove to multiple individuals that what they have done has only produced another therapist instead of another victim. I want to become a psychologist because I am so proud of my observant personality and listening to stories and acting like a therapist to those around me was never classified as a chore, but more like a gift. I wish to play a role in which I can reconstruct torn wishes and lives, just like what he had done to mine.
READ THE RULES BEFORE YOU POST...I hope you don't get deleted :|
can really tell ur a happy go luck girl..reminds me of another person who used that for his essay. hehe
I seemamto be able to laugh and have an excellent conversation with both adults and people my age. I always look at a cup as half full and dull days areas only caused by people around me that are sad.
I guess my mask was so well executed that nobody would guess I was diagnosed with depression. [you break ur happiness here. maybe you should fix this sentence to the top to make it flow more.] <new para?>
A few months before I started High School I was sexually assaulted and almost raped. [O_o]
I willingly obeyed to the consequence for not coming home for my curfew and kept the crime swept under the rug for about a year. [phrasing is a tad weird]
Four years is a long time for an adventure and I can't say I'm cured,; however, I do believe things happen for a reason so I thrived on that concept.
I've met many different psychologists, some are wonderful and others seeminglyto be driven by the amounts written on a checkbook. [another depressing note. it has a negative connotation.]
I plan to fulfill my desires and prove to multiple individuals that what they have done has only produced another therapist instead of another victim. [strong sentence that you may want to place earlier]
I wish to play a role in which I can reconstruct torn wishes and lives, just like what he [who's he] had done to mine.
Comments: Sorry to hear about "that night".
You go from an overly cheerful mood in the beginning, but it dies out somewhat near the end. I
This is for prompt 1; I thought it was for prompt 2 before I read the title. You don't talk so much about your world, but it seems to revolve more around an event...as #2 would be about.
Flow is good in the beginning. near the end, try breaking the thoughts up into ones that lead more into your goal of becoming a psychologist that can help others b/c you have experience.
Hope you can read over my essay:
Your essay has an interesting topic (=. From what I read you used good examples, but I would consider writing transitions to produce a flow in your essay... And write a conclusion paragraph. I also don't understand who you mean as "Everyone... Anybody...They..." in the beginning of the prompt.
Suggestion: Change Everybody I associate with would consider me... to
The friends I associate with would consider me...
Also change: I seem to be able to laugh and have an excellent conversation with both adults and people my age. to just adults... because people your age are already considered as adults.
hi! thank you soo much for ur compliment and critique on my essay.
I read yours, and let me just start off by saying I'm soo sorry you had to go through that, and it is inspiring that you are using that experience to help other people and change lives. i think you have a very interesting story to tell here but i think you need to structure it a little different so that it will have a greater effect.
- the first sentence is CRUCIAL. it is the first impression they are going to get of you so you want to make it count. your first sentence, "Everybody I associate with would consider me a happy-go-lucky, bright, creative, smart and sophisticated girl' is not really unique. Those adjectives can describe hundreds of applicants. It doesn't distinguish you from the rest of the applicants. and it makes it seem like the rest of your essay is ganna talk about how your a happy person. i like this sentence..."I guess my mask was so well executed that nobody would guess I was diagnosed with depression." I think if you talked about a mask in your first sentence...like how a mask is just your disguise, but underneath their is an untold story...that will make you sound more mysterious and the reader will want to read on and learn what the untold story is.
- and then you can build on the structure from there.
i'll be more than happy to read the final draft of ur essay when ur done!
GOOD LUCK!
btw wat UC's are u applying to?
Oh gawsh. I probably should read the rules, but I think the answers I got so far really helps.
Its a hard essay for me to show people I look in the eyes everyday, so when i came across this site i was so excited. (haha!)....wait, where are the rules?
pinkxp92 : You have a really good point there about the first sentence and thank you for throwing it out there. It was so obvious but I didn't catch it. & as to "that night", I would like to say that I appreciate your feelings for me, I really do, and I don't know if how I said it was really the right way to say it but thanks. I've grown from it and I didn't think I would ever be able to share this experience until I realized that I can take advantage of that moment and apply it to my essay to get into college! theres always something good behind everything huh? thank you again!
The UC's I'm applying to is Davis(long shot, but dream school), Merced, Santa Cruz and Santa Barbara. Which ones are yours?
shinji344: I couldn't find where I wrote they, but I saw the 'he' part and that would be a nameless man without a conscience. I wrote him, because I don't know his name. && the friends part is a fantastic point. Thank you!
NO WAY! i'm applying to the same ones! except Davis, i don't think i can get...their i go being pessimistic again! hahaha.
i visited the campuses of santa cruz and merced.
santa cruz: its all the way up in the mountains and it looks like your at camp. some of the dorms kind of resemble cabins. Its really pretty but their are a lot of hills you have to walk on =( The thing that scares me is walking around there at night. It reminds me of the blair witch project!!! lol.
merced: everybody looks down on it cuz its new and doesn't really have a reputation and cuz its IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE! haha. but i personally like it. i live in the city and i hate it. I've always wanted to live in the suburbs, and uc merced itself is like a small little town. its very intimate. and their washing machines and dryers text you when their done! how cool is that? lol. but the dorms i visited were VERY small! it looked like a cave, but their building new ones so hopefully they will be better.
and Santa Barbara i heard is beautiful...but lots of partying, so its easy to get distracted.
Oh man! Don't say that! I applied to Davis, even if I KNOW I wont be accepted, just because maybe they might be looking for somebody that fits my description? (probably not..haha. damnitm I'm no help.)
A few of my friends are attending Santa Cruz and I hear its very very nice. They seem to like it.
Thanks for giving me some information on the campuses! I haven't visited yet but I did a bunch of research and spoke to people who know about the school, either first hand or by word of mouth.
Merced, from what I heard/read they are making a medical building fairly soon? That should encourage people to attend! And I hear that its like a public private school because of the amount of students that attend. 21:1 ratio.
Santa Barbara is a party school, but a close friend of mine is there and he loves it. He says that if your personality is strong enough not to mingle with the crowd they respect you. Which I thought was nice.
I know Merced would accept a lot of students not really based on their academic score or anything, so hopefully I can make it to at least one! Thats why I had to buckle down on the essays.
ps. texts from washing machines? epic.
ya thats the thing i like most about merced. i feel like i'm ganna be lost in a big lecture room with 200 other people. I learn better in small classes. and don't worry you will DEFINITELY get into merced they except EVERYONE! they have like a 90% acceptance rate lol.
well good luck with everything and thanks for the help! =)
thank you too!! for the essay tips and the school info! :3
Okay, I give up.. What is the rule being violated?! Am I missing something obvious? Ha ha, someone clue me in...
And yes, this is some great collaboration here.
:-)
I believe she did not make an interesting enough title.
It is different now. I'm wondering how that essay turned out.
1 week left til deadlines. Good luck
Did I violate a rule??
I'm utterly confused, if I offended anybody from the topic of this essay I apologize in advance!
Everything looked good except the second to last sentence. That sentence does not really fit in with the rest of your essay and you could probably take it out and it would make your essay stronger, in my opinion.
To everyone who has posted on this thread, please help edit my essay too.
rather than taking it out...and posting really helpful info, why not edit another person's essay?
"I wish to play a role in which I can reconstruct torn wishes and lives, just like what he [who's he] had done to mine." about this, if he means psychologist, then say so.. if its about the offender, then say so.. this does add to the essay, just needs to flow more.
about the rule thing, no you didn't break a rule, at least even I can't see it anymore.
**edit
ok, so the other sentence...well I think she wanted to show that she wanted to help others get over trauma by becoming a psychologist. it shows her goals/dream
lets edit: I want to become a psychologist because I am so proud of my observant personality andto listening to other people's stories. and acting like a therapist to those around me was never classified as a chore, but more like a gift. [editing the last part. 'I never classified acting a therapist to those around me a chore; I considered it a gift.' ]
meisj0n
I assume your first sentence was directed at me. I was referring to the sentence before the one you quoted: "I want to become a psychologist because I am so proud of my observant personality and listening to stories and acting like a therapist to those around me was never classified as a chore, but more like a gift." <---- this doesn't really fit in with everything else that was mentioned earlier. There may be a way you could change it so that it does fit with your essay, but just removing this one sentence would make your essay stronger.
And I did edit other people's essays.
YOUR USERNAME IS FUNNY IT MAKES ME WANNA KNOW WHAT YOUR NAME REALLY IS BUT IT IA OKAY IF YOU DONT WANT TO SHARE. BUT NICE ESSAY I AM SORRY FOR WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU
WHY ARE YOU YELLING? GODIZGOOD?
THIS IS A FUNNY THREAD. YOUR NAME IS FUNNY, LAUGHATMYNAME.
I toured UCSB and UCDavis (and UCLA and USBerkeley, but that doesn't matter). Anyway, UCSB does have a lovely campus- it's right on the water and very nice. I have a friend who goes there, he says there are a lot of parties but if you want to study, you can study and you can find people who also wish to.
UCDavis has London's ORIGINAL double decker bus! Reason enough to go there, I think.
Anyway, I hope that I don't violate rules by not commenting on the essay, but this is important stuff. Cheers to all!
Tim
what are you talking about laughatmyname. what do you mean by i am yelling
Everthing seemed really convincing and it was an eye catching read, just remember to check your grammar. You have some run-on sentences and some need commas.:)
Other then that sounds great!
-sam
Sometimes it seems like yelling if you write in all capital letters.
I want to become a psychologist, because I am so proud of my observant personality and ability to listen to stories and act like a therapist to those around me -- never classifying the process as a chore, but more like a gift. I wish to play a role in which I can reconstruct torn wishes and lives, just as I have reconstructed my own after a trying experience. like what he had done to mine.
tim: thank you for the 411 on UC Davis and UC S-to the-B. It isn't about the essay but, in a way, it is..i'll back myself up. Its about schools that we are applying to and this forum is about essays that we are writing, and this thread is about an essay we are writing to get into the school? I'm pulling some strings but I hope that somehow makes you feel more confident about your response! && thanks again!
ps. doubledecker bus? that definitely earns the school an abundance of epic points.
Godizgood: It wasn't anything towards your name, I just didn't know what to call you by so I used your username. Like Kevin said, caps makes it seem like youre yelling. It could be different to different people, but I think in general.
& mister Kevin: I'm liking the part in red. Your advice will be sewn into my essay.
When I heard that the deadline of the UC applications is finally over, I had a bit of a sad attitude. I felt like I was saying farewell to this thread. How comedic is that?
I just had to share.
well, no need to have repressed memories of the past anymore. time to move on and work on homework. how are your other applications going?
I'm confused. Did a moderator delete your finished draft :? I can't find it here...
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