Requesting Critiques for Essays to University of California, Berkeley

Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

We acknowledge that failure exists, that it is possible to fail, but never shall thoughts of complacency arise when failure has occurred. Of course, we learn from our failures and we are not so far removed from the idea of failure that we are unable to understand its purpose or how prevalent the sensation is. We are simply driven. We want to strive to become the paragon of ourselves, our crafts, and our contributions. And when failure devours our efforts, making them seem futile, we become sad...and then we realize that sadness is counterproductive and that we must strive again. It has been etched into our central dogma that if it is possible to avoid failure, avoid it. This motto that we live by has endowed us with intrinsic motivation and a conscious that perpetually demands us to improve - to improve ourselves, our crafts, our contributions. The drive in us is an inexorable force that is impossible to stop. I welcome you to my world, a world of performing arts, a world of passion, a world of self-improvement.

This environment in which I reside a substantial portion of my time is a catalyst for evolution. Even Darwin could not overlook the competition that fuels our desire to adapt and improve. We embody his theory of evolution. We parallel every word presented within the Origin of Species. The only difference is that we are much less cutthroat. No artist can survive alone. The origin of a species can, but we cannot. And if one tries to prove this axiom false, then their failure is imminent. It is because of this incentive to not fail we bond to form supportive groups to help one another. We can only succeed as a group and as a group we are only as strong as our weakest person, which is why we find it imperative to nurture and develop the respective person's skills. When I entered the world of the performing arts, I was once the weakest link. And now that I have improved exponentially in my craft due to the efforts of my superiors, it has become my duty and honor to expedite the development of people in need in my orchestra and sculpture class.

These qualities have molded me as an individual, becoming fundamental components of my personality, like two worlds colliding, morphing into one whole entity. They are not just applicable to the arts' realm, but to the world that surrounds this community. And though this environment has not directly shaped my external dreams and aspirations, it has endowed me with essential principles that will support any endeavor that I so wish. Without these values my dreams will remain deprived of a reality and my aspirations will remain fruitless. These aspects, though, granted to me by my environment - to forever learn, improve, adapt, altruistically assist and help, and to pursue the passion that ignites a flame of desire within my body - are dreams and aspirations I can only hope and yearn to maintain internally.

Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?

Over the summer at a marine biology camp, I went seining with a group of people fairly deep within the ocean. And though I was small in size, compared to the other people seining along with me, I was determined to journey as deep into the ocean as they could. Never did the rising water give me angst because I was excited to catch a diverse batch of oceanic creatures, and the best way to ensure that was by venturing further into the mouth of the sea. Eventually, it came to a point where I had to tread water or spring off the roughly six-feet deep ocean floor with the tips of my toes, but I persisted to tug the pole of the net, maintaining my pace. I did not care that I was beginning to struggle. I just wanted to explore the ocean and examine the wildlife it carried. It was in this state of refusal and adamant behavior that something mesmerizing happened. A school of mullets, trying to avoid entanglement with the net, abruptly torpedoed from the water's surface, becoming projectiles that beamed into my face and everyone else's. Needless to say, we all had a good laugh and a remarkable experience to remember.

This disposition of mine to explore has made me a curious cat willing to poke fun at death in order to uncover the answers to questions that constantly bother me. It fuels my appetite for knowledge, especially in a scientific manner, but not exclusively. By breaking effective language down to its fundamental components, my AP Language class gave me a newfound appreciation for how language can be an effective tool of persuasion and communication. This actually represents why I enjoy exploring. It has allowed me to see parts of the whole, granting me a sense of appreciation for what I overlooked when I only saw something at face-value, oblivious to its significance. As a result, the mundane has become the extraordinary, practically removing the word and its synonyms from my vocabulary.

I find exploration in the field of science more enthralling and utterly invigorating though, because it provides an explanation for this enigma I live within - the universe. I jittered when I got to examine plankton and skin cells under a microscope because I was able to view their structure and how they functioned. I was amazed when I learned that the beach glittered at night because organisms had bioluminescence. I even ran around on the beach at night non-stop to visualize this phenomenon. I have also enjoyed the state of puzzlement that overwhelms me when I think about how the brain intuitively knows when to form an action potential that causes the contraction of a muscle.

My push to discover has kept me questioning and exploring the universe, eager to learn its anatomy and physiology. And although my head begins to hurt when I try to dissect and understand this enigma that is our universe, I persist.

We acknowledge that failure exists, that it is possible to fail ,

the triple failure thing starts to sound a bit redundant, maybe change it up to

We acknowledge that failure exists, that it is a constant possibility,
but never shall thoughts of complacency arise when failure has occurred.

but thoughts of complacency never arise when failure has occurred.

Of course , I recommend staying away from phrases that assume (i.e. Obviously, As you know, etc.) but again, that's up to taste.

we learn from our failures and we are not so far removed from the idea of failure If we learn from failure, we already understand it, making your second part just a rehashing. Re-word it. Maybe turn that double-negative around.

we learn from our failures to the point that our understanding of its purpose matches the prevalence of it's sensation.

We are simply driven.
Simply put, we are driven. (although you could change it back to lessen the word count, I feel as if this flows better rather than the double we.)

We want to strive to become the paragon of ourselves, our crafts, and our contributions (i like this part)

. And when (ehhhh you could start the sentence off better)

failure devours (you can think of better word choice, maybe something simple like weaken, or something unusual like discombobulate, but devour sounds too big.. maybe reduce? like reduces our efforts to null?) our efforts,

making them seem futile (i like this, unsure whether you should remove the 'seem' or not),

we become sad...and (remove the ellipses, replace with an until)

untilthen we realize that sadness is counterproductive and that we must strive again. (dust yourself off and try again, as Aaliyah once said. However, it does sound a little cold hearted and robotic.)

maybe try
until our sorrow washes away, with the tide of a new resolve ebbing and flowing gradually back in to our lives.

I'm going to stop here.

For your first essay, try to insert at least on specific example. You're utilizing your own personal philosophy, which is good and unique, but at the same time, the reader doesn't gain any sense of who you are.

I skimmed over your second essay, perfect. I love it! Try to insert that personality and life in to your first essay, while maintaining your philosophy!

1st essay: Although I did like your essay, I would get lost in your explainations. The essay is about you and as the UC website says, its presonal. I would say you should reduce the facts/suggestions about human characteristics. EX. : The feeling we get after failure, the explaining of how an artist can't survive on their own. Everyone knows that humans are driven and that we want to strive, but we want to know more about you. Not facts, or information that cause a reader to get bored & lost in reading this. I can tell you're very bright just by the incredible vocab you use, but the essay-mostly in language- is a little too over the top. Reading your essay makes me feel it would be hard to relate/understand the kind of person you are.

Thanks a lot for your critiques. They are very helpful.