Hey, I'm trying to apply for Texas A&M's Biomedical Engineering program, and I've been working on the statement of purpose for almost six months now. I've almost finished and I'm just about ready to apply early, so that I can quickly be done with it all. Can anybody please look over my essay? The prompt is as follows:
"The statement of purpose will provide an opportunity to explain any extenuating circumstances that you feel could add value to your application. You may also want to explain unique aspects of your academic background or valued experiences you may have had that relate to your academic discipline. The statement of purpose is not meant to be a listing of accomplishments in high school or a record of your participation in school-related activities. Rather, this is your opportunity to address the admissions committee directly and to let us know more about you as an individual, in a manner that your transcripts and other application information cannot convey."
And the essay:
Since I was fourteen, I have always been intrigued by cancer research. The fact that cells can mutate, simply by an accident in the DNA replication, and can set off a chain reaction, creating a large tumor, spreading to various parts of the body, even capturing its own personal blood vessels, is, essentially, just another struggle for survival. When I think of it like that, I realize, like all other scientists, that in order to fight cancer, you have to destroy its chances of survival.
It sounds savage, but that's how we currently treat it. Chemotherapy introduces various cancer killing agents to the body, creating an environment it can't survive in, although at the cost of the immediate health of the patient himself. Radioactive therapy damages the DNA of the cancer cells, and causes them to malfunction, unable to survive. Some approaches have even included trying to cut off the blood supply to the tumor, thereby depriving it of much needed oxygen and nutrients. These approaches, however, aren't perfect in the face of cancer's grim, powerful grip. In a bout of natural selection, the strongest, the craftiest cells somehow survive to see another day, and they reproduce again. The chemotherapy has to be double in power, which has adverse effects on the health of the patient. The radiation will leave burn marks, on the body, and painful blisters in the mouth, and cutting off the blood supply will only make the tumor create more vessels.
Those aren't the only ways to fight cancer anymore. As a cancer patient in remission, I found myself drawn close to the world of biomedical engineering. I was transfixed by the MRI images, giving an almost complete picture of the entire human body at different levels of observation. The radiation, although coming from a menacing yet fascinating machine, was surprisingly accurate. The doctors responsible for giving me the proper dosage of radiation each day once showed me how they did it, and while it looked complicated, I made up my mind. I was going to create my own footsteps, paving the way in cancer research, helping to find a cure, working alongside others who share the same goals as me. I started to read articles regarding cancer cells, and medical microbiology became my favorite subject in high school. My life goal is to find myself doing research, and Texas A&M, which provides undergraduates the chance to do research themselves, will allow me to experience biomedical engineering hands on, an opportunity I could never pass up.
Of course, like every opportunity, I have to prove myself worthy of taking it. This is why I've set a challenge upon myself. I am currently a student at Austin Community College, and I have no credit hours. By the end of this school year, I will have much more than the minimum transfer credit hours. I have also signed up to volunteer at local hospitals. If I cannot handle the extremity of taking the heavy class load, I am unfit to grab this golden opportunity to study BMEN at Texas A&M. I have learned to devote and apply myself properly to studying, taking care of myself, and even having fun. I enjoy it, and I know at Texas A&M I will have a top notch education, in an environment unafraid to let its students learn from experience. At the end of it, I know I will be closer to my utmost potential, both as a scientist and as a person, and will put to use everything I have ever learned from my professors to innovate in the field.
And that's a promise.
If you were one of the people looking over my essay, would you accept me (based solely on the essay)? Are there any revisions I should make regarding content, flow, etc.? Thanks a ton :)
"The statement of purpose will provide an opportunity to explain any extenuating circumstances that you feel could add value to your application. You may also want to explain unique aspects of your academic background or valued experiences you may have had that relate to your academic discipline. The statement of purpose is not meant to be a listing of accomplishments in high school or a record of your participation in school-related activities. Rather, this is your opportunity to address the admissions committee directly and to let us know more about you as an individual, in a manner that your transcripts and other application information cannot convey."
And the essay:
Since I was fourteen, I have always been intrigued by cancer research. The fact that cells can mutate, simply by an accident in the DNA replication, and can set off a chain reaction, creating a large tumor, spreading to various parts of the body, even capturing its own personal blood vessels, is, essentially, just another struggle for survival. When I think of it like that, I realize, like all other scientists, that in order to fight cancer, you have to destroy its chances of survival.
It sounds savage, but that's how we currently treat it. Chemotherapy introduces various cancer killing agents to the body, creating an environment it can't survive in, although at the cost of the immediate health of the patient himself. Radioactive therapy damages the DNA of the cancer cells, and causes them to malfunction, unable to survive. Some approaches have even included trying to cut off the blood supply to the tumor, thereby depriving it of much needed oxygen and nutrients. These approaches, however, aren't perfect in the face of cancer's grim, powerful grip. In a bout of natural selection, the strongest, the craftiest cells somehow survive to see another day, and they reproduce again. The chemotherapy has to be double in power, which has adverse effects on the health of the patient. The radiation will leave burn marks, on the body, and painful blisters in the mouth, and cutting off the blood supply will only make the tumor create more vessels.
Those aren't the only ways to fight cancer anymore. As a cancer patient in remission, I found myself drawn close to the world of biomedical engineering. I was transfixed by the MRI images, giving an almost complete picture of the entire human body at different levels of observation. The radiation, although coming from a menacing yet fascinating machine, was surprisingly accurate. The doctors responsible for giving me the proper dosage of radiation each day once showed me how they did it, and while it looked complicated, I made up my mind. I was going to create my own footsteps, paving the way in cancer research, helping to find a cure, working alongside others who share the same goals as me. I started to read articles regarding cancer cells, and medical microbiology became my favorite subject in high school. My life goal is to find myself doing research, and Texas A&M, which provides undergraduates the chance to do research themselves, will allow me to experience biomedical engineering hands on, an opportunity I could never pass up.
Of course, like every opportunity, I have to prove myself worthy of taking it. This is why I've set a challenge upon myself. I am currently a student at Austin Community College, and I have no credit hours. By the end of this school year, I will have much more than the minimum transfer credit hours. I have also signed up to volunteer at local hospitals. If I cannot handle the extremity of taking the heavy class load, I am unfit to grab this golden opportunity to study BMEN at Texas A&M. I have learned to devote and apply myself properly to studying, taking care of myself, and even having fun. I enjoy it, and I know at Texas A&M I will have a top notch education, in an environment unafraid to let its students learn from experience. At the end of it, I know I will be closer to my utmost potential, both as a scientist and as a person, and will put to use everything I have ever learned from my professors to innovate in the field.
And that's a promise.
If you were one of the people looking over my essay, would you accept me (based solely on the essay)? Are there any revisions I should make regarding content, flow, etc.? Thanks a ton :)
