Hi Guys, for my common app, I decided to write about my experience in Ecuador and the growth I experienced. Any comments/suggestions are welcomed. I will return the favor. Thanks!
Tell us about an intellectual experience, project, class, or book that has influenced or inspired you.
The air plane had just landed and suddenly the air was harder to breathe. "Bienvenidos a Quito, Ecuador"-Welcome to Quito, Ecuador- the flight attendant announces on the speaker in Spanish. It was hard for me to feel welcomed. I stood at six-foot tall, a Chinese-American with brown eyes and black hair, preparing for a summer abroad program. I felt nervous, and afraid to the thought of my host family feeling disappointed that I was not one of those "typical" Americans they would see on a MTV show-which are fairly popular in Ecuador; one with blue eyes, blond hair, and in an affluent family. In fact, I come from a low-income family where my parents were immigrants and the only way I could afford this trip was through a scholarship and working three jobs to pay for the tuition.
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"When is there an opportunity to use Chinese?" my dad impatiently said in Cantonese." my dad asked impatiently
I didn't know no contractions
towards there's no "s" EVER for this word (i didn't know either 'til my english teacher told me!)
It was my embarrassment towards my culture that drove me to believe that I would not be welcomed in Ecuador. revise. maybe something like "It was shameful of me to have felt embarrassed about my culture; a mistake that led me to believe I would not be welcomed...
Other than that, I really enjoyed reading your essay. very well written with lots of details
tell me what you think about mine?
Actually, towards is just British spelling. It's correct (though I'd use American because the colleges are).
And contractions are fine. I saw them in some essays that got admitted into Harvard.
When we arrived at my host family's house, I was stunned by the vastness of the building. The tiles were neatly lined, and the floors were covered entirely with redwood. My host brothers attended private schools and spent their spare time playing with their Xbox or Wii consoles. It was normal to have a maid in a middle-upper class family in Ecuador, butand my host family's maid was even full time. Back home in San Francisco life was not as glamorous. I don'tdidn't(it's best to keep the past tense) have a small courtyard for my grand entrance home nor redwood floors to lead me to my room; instead, my house hasd hard carpeted floors and my grand entrance was walking through a street filled with violence. Aside fromIn addition to being ethnically different, I was financially different. I felt the need to put on an "American" exterior in my first week in Ecuador to cope with these expectations I had of myself(this sentence seems a bit abrupt since you were just talking about differences between you and your host family). When my host family asked if I spoke Chinese, I resisted from speaking Chinese in complete sentences. When my host family asked if I used c hopsticks, I would hesitate and later admit that I did. Tho se expectations I had of myself pressured me to maintain this image of what I thought an 'American' was supposed to be.
Nonetheless, mythe family was interested in my culture,(<- remove comma) and more importantly, in me. They insisted me to be myself and share my Chinese culture with them. (perhaps you could join these two sentences) They did not directly say that but their actions did. Duringon a Thursday afternoon, it was time for Ecuador's most important meal time of the day: Almuerzo - or lunch. The family gathered around the dining room while Rita, the family maid, prepared spiced rice, fried banana, delicious black bean stew, and Ecuadorian Chuleta-pork chops-(<- get rid of hyphen and put a comma)neatly on ceramic plates. It was time to chow down (is chow informal?). Suddenly the signal to begin eating was halted with a "Un momento, familia"-"O ne moment, family" - when my host mom, Nancy, brought out two fresh packs of bamboo chopsticks for the family to use. Witnessing a group of Ecuadoria ns using chops sticks for the first time was intense. Rice spilled over and under plates and the table was well vandalized with food. My families' hungry mouths were eager to savor specks of rice from athe somewhat successful attempts to eat with two bamboo sticks. Frustrations eventually transcended into humor. And although fingers were tangled at the mercy of two wooden sticks, I was accepted into an Ecuadorian family.
Listening to my younger host brother called me his "chino hermano" or Chinese brother in Spanish, I couldn't believe that I had attempted to conceal my Chinese culture during my initial weeks in Ecuador(the second part of sentence is a bit long). I recalled my family dinners back home where my father insisted that my sisters and I should speak Chinese during our conversations to preserve our Chinese culture(LOL MY DAD TOO!! It's so annoying). "All ofY ou guys use English every second of your life. When is there an opportunity to use Chinese?" my dad impatiently said in Cantonese. The Chinese identity that my parents instilled in their American son could never vanish. I tried to destroy that;(<- remove semi-colon and replace with comma)endangering all of my parents' efforts, endangered . In Ecuador, I learned that my family loved me for who I was and not based on my appearance alone. My host family was once strangers to me, but they were willing to learn about my culture. Due to my uncertainty and self consciousness being Chinese American, I judged and assumed the views of those who I didn't know. That was my mistake. It was my embarrassment towards my culture that drove me to believe that I would not be welcomed in Ecuador. (This paragraph is a bit confusing. You went from hiding your Chinese culture to how your dad tries to preserve your culture, then back to how you opened up to the Ecuadorian family. You need more smooth transitions.)
I realize that it is impossible to be what I perceived as "American" because I was American all along(I'm a bit confused. Weren't you persuading me to believe that you were no longer ashamed of your Chinese roots?). Trying to hide my Chinese identity, I did not make myself more or less of an American. My human appearance may be different from how other Americans are portrayed on MTV, but I was American and I realize that people accepted me not based on where I came from, but who I am. My host family accepted my culture and my identity - pure to me just as it is to them. (What does the last part of this sentence mean?)
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I thought you began this essay well but later on the transition of ideas became jumbled. The message in the conclusion is also a bit confusing, what were you trying to say?
Thanks Tesha!!! You were really helpful. As you can tell, grammar is not on of my strong points. Thanks for the heads up on the direction of the essay towards the end. I meant to relate to what i though initially during the trip about being American. I just switched up the paragraphs and added some transitions. Its looks better now :D, but i gotta get started on cleaning up my supplement forms, yikes!
Cheers!
No worries, I'm not that great with grammar myself...(I have to read over my essays like A MILLION times to look for mistakes :( )
Can I see the draft? Or did you submit it already?
Hope you get in the schools you want :)