Hi, any help on grammar error? Or awkward sentences? Thanks
prompt: How I responded to a significant challenge I encountered and what I learned in the process.
As I walked up the stage, my legs felt cramped, as if my legs had a case of acute arthritis, all because of a challenging tools display, but in order to satisfy my guts, that I was scheduled to present the technical drawing tools to students on the assembly ground. I ignored all the eyes on me and the fear in my mind, I started delivering the speech with my voice trembling and hands shaking.
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As I walked up the stage, my legs felt cramped, as if my legsthey had a case of acute arthritis,.
I'm not sure what you mean by, "all because of a challenging tools display," maybe expand on this portion or make it clearer?
but in order to satisfy my guts ,
Use something other than satisfy and guts, that sounds really confusing. Maybe do, "but in order to calm my stomach," or use, "but in order to calm down,"
that I was scheduled to present the technical drawing tools to students on the assembly ground.
This part is really confusing- get rid of "that" do you mean that to calm down you were presenting something? Or that you were nervous because you needed to present something?
The sentence structure is good, but I'd make it clearer on why you were nervous.
I ignored all the eyes on me and the fear in my mind,
Maybe say something about how your mind of clouded with fear rather than the fear in my mind- it sounds awkward.
"When I began delivering the speech my voice trembled and cracked, and my hands shook," you were using too many prepositions and the wrong verb tense.
I paused,
get rid of the comma- you don't need it
to display the tools but having an eyes contact with students ,
this part doesn't make any sense. Try something like, "but when my eyes connected with the students I faltered abruptly and stood like a statue for some time, before my teacher asked if I was okay."
I changed status to statue and contacted along with were to was, and got rid of a question mark and comma.
I shook my head nervously with a look of fear in my eyes. At that moment, she decided to help me with the display.
Get rid of "a look of fear in my eyes," and replace it with something else about what happened, something like, "but I couldn't stop my hands from shaking,"
Good Luck! :) :) :) I hope you get in!
Adeyemi, the essay is a bit narrow in perspective due to the way you presented it. It would have been better if you had presented a secondary story that showed how your hard work has paid off for you by allowing you an opportunity to speak before the students again and this time, successfully doing it. That way you are not just enumerating the activities that you did in an effort to overcome your stage fright, you proved that you actually learned something about yourself and how the activities helped to improve your character and personality. Always remember that you are using the essay to build up your image with the admissions officer. So never neglect to properly develop the positive aspects of your personality and your intelligence at every opportunity :-)
Vangiespen, thanks for your help. The essay limit is just 200words and I have 8words left unused. Check this addition on blue font. HERE----> My first step was when I joined a debate group, I joined the group with an urge to improving my public speaking skills. Through my constant participation in the group activities. My continued efforts were rewarded with skills I never thought...
Good? Any suggestions?
Adeyemi, that addition definitely helps clarify the paragraph more. What you need to do now is male sure that the full essay works with the addition of that new sentence. Put the essay all together and then review it for proper content and decide if you are satisfied with the v content and message of your paper. If you feel satisfied with what you have then it is ready to use. I'll just do a final check and review for you in that case.
