Word Count 232. Suggestions on how to cut down some words? Any input would be appreciated!
What motivated you to transfer to Rice University? Please be specific and limit your response to 200 words.
I'm drawn to Rice particular by its excellent pre-med program. It will not only challenge me to reach my potential, but also adequately prepare me for medical school. I will be able to take advantage of Rice's close proximity to Texas Medical Center, and various opportunities to gain clinical experiences in some of the best medical facilities in the world. I also will be able to learn to use my knowledge to resolve real world problems through the abundant research opportunities. Furthermore, a wide range of innovative classes offered would allow me to purse my interest outside science. I cannot wait to take classes such as Medical Sociology and Britain from the Industrial Revolution to Gordon Brown. Having grown up in a big city and lived in three countries, I also find the diverse student body and location of Rice extremely appealing. And the unique residential college system would most certainly enrich my college experience and smooth my transition to Rice.
Two years ago, my application to Rice ended with my lack of confidence and motivation. I had already been accepted into the school that I now attend, and I feared failure and doubted whether I would be successful at a world-renowned institution such as Rice. Today, with a much better understanding of my future goals and myself, I have come to realize Rice is the perfect place to fulfill my dreams.
I think this is a well-rounded essay. You stated why you wanted to transfer, but personalized it with your challenges and experiences. Good job and good luck.
qchen
Your essay is good, but I did find some things you can cut for the sake of the word limit. See new wording suggestions in Red. Also, the last paragraph is very unclear to me. Why did your application end? Does that mean you did not submit it, that they rejected it, etc??? Unless you anticipate that the people reading this essay are familiar with your last application, you should clarify this.
I'm drawn to Rice (removed particular) by its excellent pre-med program. It will not only challenge me to reach my potential, but also (removed adequatley) prepare me for medical school. I hope to take advantage of Rice's (removed close) proximity to Texas Medical Center, and various opportunities to gain clinical experiences in some of the best medical facilities in the world. I also look forward to using my knowledge to resolve real world problems through (removed the) abundant research opportunities. Furthermore, your wide range of innovative classes (removed offered) , will allow me to pursue my interest outside science. I am excited about classes such as Medical Sociology and Britain from the Industrial Revolution to Gordon Brown (can you pick a shorter course title to save on words?) . I have lived in three countries and spent much of my life in big cities, so I find the diverse student body and location of Rice (removed extremely) appealing. I also look forward to the unique residential college system, which should provide a fullfilling college experience and smooth my transition to Rice.
Two years ago, my application to Rice ended due to a lack of confidence and direction . I had already been accepted into the school that I now attend(put name of school instead of "school that I now attent - this will cut words) . I doubted my ability to succeed at a world-renowned institution like Rice. Today, with a much better understanding of my goals and abilities, I realize Rice is the perfect place to build a solid foundation for my future.
okay thanks so much for the feedback!
well you do a solid job giving specifics, you dont give the general vague stuff that most pre med kids do in their essay, so thats a good sign.
Couple things, in the first para I dont really like the "I also will be able to learn to use my knowledge to resolve real world problems through the abundant research opportunities". It would be a good idea to describe research opportunities(if there through the places such as the medical center you cite, say so and be specific, what aspect), and the "Having grown up in a big city and lived in three countries, I also find the diverse student body and location of Rice extremely appealing" is something you want to elaborate more on, right now its just another one of those cliche, vague statemetns about diversity, i dont know if you have enough room, but if your going to keep this in, you need more than just this sentence on diversity.
Your conclusions a little, meeh, nothing more than average and part of the problem is your intro is also just a general, boring statement, if you can tie how you have changed in the beginning to how you change in the end(hard to do w/ such little space but thats why i would take out one or two ideas in your first para), you'll have something stronger, more impactful and something adcoms can actually remember. Not bad overall, but this is a pretty safe essay, nothing special about it, i dont know about how qualified you are, but considering how hard transferring is, thats not a particuarly good thing. But ultimately you cant change the way you write otherwise if you try sounding too creative, you just sound fake if its not your natural voice, but anyway, just some thoughts to consider, you would benefit tremendously from giving a specific ex in limited space to show how you were initally overwhelmed two yrs ago. Good luck:)
thanks so much simrath!!! You made a lot of great points. I edited it to the best i can but theres only so much i could add/change due to the word limit. right now its 216 words. i wonder if 16 words over the limit is going to be a big problem. anyways let me know if its any better/worse!!! thanks!!
Since I affirmed my decision to become a doctor, Rice had been my top choice. Its excellent pre-med program will not only challenge me to reach my potential, but also adequately prepare me for medical school. I hope to take advantage of Rice's close proximity to Texas Medical Center, and various opportunities to gain clinical experiences in some of the best medical facilities in the world. Also, Rice's wide range of innovative classes will allow me to purse my interest outside science. I cannot wait to take classes such as Medical Sociology and Britain from the Industrial Revolution to Gordon Brown.
Having attended school in three countries, I cannot imagine the boredom of a homogeneous institution. I need an intellectually stimulating environment where diversity is truly embraced, rather than merely discussed. Rice is a perfect match. With its unique residential college system, Rice would provide a fulfilling college experience and smooth my transition.
Two years ago, unsure of my future plans and my ability to succeed at a world-renowned institution, I withdrew my application to Rice. Today, with a much better understanding of my goals and abilities, Rice is no more the placed filled with uncertainties that I feared. Instead, I see challenges, opportunities, and a clear path to success that lies ahead at Rice.
u seem to have covered all your reasons well and gave it a personal voice. this is a good essay. only thing is that maybe come up with a more interesting intro. right now its pretty much average and not very attention drawing. good luck i hope u get in!
this sounds solid, dont worry about the 216 words, but for 200 words, i think this is fine, i agree with Quidong, you can still make your intro can be stronger( maybe talk a little about how you withdrew your app and what made you change, this change is really really important, otherwise it just looks like your applying because of the school name), and then that gives you something to work on. With these transfer essays, and the odds so stacked against you, you gotta create a profound image in your essay or something that can stand out. Again, this is solid, but still a little on the safe side, which unless you have top qualificiations, isnt a good thing, if you have time, i would do as much as possible in 200 words to focus on your change, and if you cant make sure your common app essay or any other essay you use shows your change and how you embrace opportunities and such. But this isnt bad, if you dont have much more time to totally revamp this,its fine. Good luck:)
Some great feedback here! My biggest issue is the following:
"Two years ago, my application to Rice ended with my lack of confidence and motivation. I had already been accepted into the school that I now attend, and I feared failure and doubted whether I would be successful at a world-renowned institution such as Rice. Today, with a much better understanding of my future goals and myself, I have come to realize Rice is the perfect place to fulfill my dreams."
Rice may be an obvious 'step up,' but here I'd focus on why Rice is right for you in terms of sheer curriculum and resources, and how your successes have confirmed your ability to succeed there. It's unnecessary (and distracting) to focus on your past 'lack of confidence.' Project confidence throughout this essay instead--and maybe end on what you will bring to the table at Rice.
What skills have you honed in your current program that might be of value at Rice? Showing legitimate fit/compatibility is important, as well as what you have to offer. You can do all of this without maligning your current school, or dwelling on the past. Think forward! What's the word limit?
That's it from my perspective, great work thus far.
Cheers,
Janson
Simrath: sicne im going to be covering how i've changed from two years ago and such in my main common app essay, i'm prob just going to leave this one the way it is. im working on a stronger intro now. thanks alot for the help!
Janson: the word limit is 200 so its hard to be too specific with everything i want to cover. i've got rid of the part where i talked about my lack of confidence. This is what i put instead to avoid sounding too negative. (see post #6)) let me know if you think this works. thanks for the input!
Two years ago, unsure of my future plans and my ability to succeed at a world-renowned institution, I withdrew my application to Rice. Today, with a much better understanding of my goals and abilities, Rice is no more the placed filled with uncertainties that I feared. Instead, I see challenges, opportunities, and a clear path to success that lies ahead at Rice.
Sounds good
i agree with janson. being specific in this type of essays could really make you stand out and let the admission ppl know your interest! i think if you begin with saying how you withdrew your applications and then sort of talk about how u've changed would be a better way to organize it. good luck