Rice University, Supplement, cradle of its field

Hello, I am an international student and I will apply to the USA universities. One of them is Rice University, my supplement essay is below, can you check it out. Thanks

With the understanding that the choice of academic school you indicated is not binding, explain why you are applying to that particular school of study.

My high school was established in the Ottoman Era and due to the Ottoman architecture; classes are spacious and have up to five meter ceiling. It has central heating system which causes excessive heat especially in the winter because school management has to give much heat due to wide and high classes. For our health and also for preventing wasting energy, we were warning school management but they could not alleviate excessive heating. School's monthly bill for heating was very high. I always thought about this situation and searched for solutions.

We participated in a European project called Clim@tic before and researched topics such as pollen analysis, dendroclimatology and explicated offering solutions and causes of global warming. While searching solutions for this problem on the internet, a European Project "Energ@tic" drew my attention. I thought we can find answers to our problem participating to this project and I convinced people to join. In the project, schools can research the topics which are proposed by members. So we firstly researched spending energies, heat changing and radiations of electronic devices which are standby, opened or closed and also analyzed rates of using public transport and their contribution to energy saving. Finally, we worked on energy waste in our school to reduce it minimum. We understood that heating departs the center of school without any isolation. We presented the efficacious of using triple window and foam ceiling with a report to administration and they accepted our resolution. Thence, spending energy reduced by third. After this resolution is accepted, I fulfilled with the emotion to contribute and develop future's society as well as I did same to my school. Firstly, I though that I should study in a university like Rice, which already had became cradle of its field, to have adequate skills and knowledge for realizing my neo-projects in near future. Besides of this, I also have to receive a good training to enhance my intellectual ability in a case of being pioneer and leader in the future to my society and this can realize only with a particular good school.

hmm.... you have to understand the main question of this essay first

main question: explain why you are applying to that particular school of study.

i think you should write more about the reason why you are applying to RU
i can see your experiences and thoughts more than the reason of why you are applying and choosing this school for your future

hope this helps! =)

thank you , I will revise it, try to add new things :)

hello , I just changed like the following:

One agrees that the USA is the most developed country in the world and its' life standards and conditions of services are fabulously well than any other first world countries and these offer citizens, especially younger citizens like students, a healthy future and spacious job opportunities. Thereby they do not have inquiries about their future. They think the state/ government will help them and will put them into a good job even they do not have adequate knowledge about the work. This opinion drives students not to study enough and not to understand the importance of their studies. Every year there are almost two million high school students leave their schools. It can be determined as boring results or horrible statistics about USA educational system. As an international student, I would like to draw one's attention to the topic on which we should insist: "the quality of USA educational system in function of the competitiveness of daily life". For example, in my country (Turkey), our life conditions and job opportunities are not well developed and the people do not have any guarantee about their futures, they always cogitate the world in which they will work and live, even during the lessons; because they are scared about the reality of life and their parent's situation. They just want to survive in these hard circumstances. Only one official and accurate solution is offered: studying hard to get a good university, and after still studying hard to be able to get a qualified job. They only think about their studies, it is said that they became robots and they are programmed to study. Therefore, my country's university entrance exam is really competitive, one must be ranked first ten thousand students among two millions candidates if he/she would like to inscribe to a good university. Due to the circumstances that I told below, the students in Turkey should push their limits to be involved to a livable future.

To be well qualified before starting to university, I was interested in my school's European and individual projects. In one of them, our research offered a solution to a problem about our school's excessive heating. We presented the efficacious of using triple window and foam ceiling with a report to administration and they accepted our resolution. Thence, spending energy reduced by third. After this resolution is accepted, I fulfilled with the emotion to contribute and develop future's society as well as I did same to my school. Firstly, I though that I should study in a university like Rice, which already had became cradle of its field, to have adequate skills and knowledge for realizing my neo-projects in near future. Besides of this, I also have to receive a good training to enhance my intellectual ability in a case of being pioneer and leader in the future to my society and this can realize only with a particular good school.

Is it fit now ? or have I still need to revise it again?

I see that it is completely different now. Do you ever use an Internet translation site like yahoo babbelfish or something?
uk.babelfish.yahoo.com/
For some reason, I had the idea that you might have used that. I would, if I had a language barrier. I wondered how well it worked. I cannot tell how well it works, because I'm not bilingual.

We all can agree that the USA is the most developed country...

After this resolution was accepted, I felt emotional and compelled t o contribute ...

Thank you for your comments,

No, I don't use an internet translation site,

my first essay, I wrote in Turkish and after I translated it in English, for second one, I directly wrote in English. That's why they seems differents

Thanks

Oh, I see. I was just curious, because I have been thinking of how valuable those sites are. I only know one language, so I don't know how to judge the quality of the translations they provide.

Well, good luck to you, and thanks!

I don't use them for my application essays, but however, for my messenger speaking with other countries' students /(from brazil, italy etc.) I uses Google translator to translate English to portuguese or italian, and mostly, I can say that it translates pretty good, (but just for the languages which related each other, such as Spanish to Italian, or Portuguese, French or English; but I can't say same thing to English to Turkish or Greece translates)

Thanks, I'll keep Google Translator in mind for when I need something like that...