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"robbed of my innocence and childhood" - UCF application essay: "Bump in the road"


alexandrarubin 1 / -  
Oct 5, 2010   #1
If there has been some obstacle or "bump in the road," in your academic or personal life, please explain the circumstances.

1. When we are young, all we wish is to be grown up. Once we are grown up, our ultimate desire is to re-obtain the naïve beauty of our adolescence. As adults, we attempt to fathom what unholy spirit possessed our minds making us believe the world of responsibility and consequence is anything remotely desirable. No, I was never one of those children. I loved my childhood, purity and innocence. But that was ripped from me. My entire world was taken from me by someone I considered my family.

I remember the day so perfectly. I had just turned eleven and my family took a trip down to Miami Beach to see my Aunt Jackie and Uncle Joe. The car ride was filled with anticipation and excitement. I loved my aunt and uncle. They gave me gifts, and their apartment balcony on the third floor overlooked the beach.

As soon as we arrived at the apartment, the odor of smoke and sweat entered my nose and lungs. The smell wasn't surprising though, due to their nasty and continuous smoking addiction. I entered and played with the cat. My mother's face always distorted to a look of pure disgust when she entered the apartment, but would never say anything, for the sanity of our family.

My parents planned an evening out with my aunt and uncle, while I would stay at the apartment and watch movies until they returned. Feeling ill, my uncle stayed back with me while the rest of my family went out to eat. I sat down on the couch to watch television, when my uncle told me all the best movies were in the bedroom, and I could only watch them in there.

Walking into the bedroom, I looked through the films and chose Alice in Wonderland. As the movie began, my uncle continued to walk past the bedroom door, until he made his way inside. With that, I was robbed of my innocence and childhood, and thrashed into the world of adulthood at the age of eleven. Silenced for four years under threat by him, no one knew the darkness consuming my soul.

Now that Joe is dead and has taken my childhood with him to the grave, I not only feel relief but a need to tell people my living nightmare. Writing about my loss of innocence is proof that I overcame the bump in my road.

^This is my first college application essay, so please, give criticism, suggestions, recommendations, anything! Thanks so much! :)
gatrgurl7 3 / 6  
Oct 7, 2010   #2
I really liked this essay, I think it's safe to say that it's definitely a unique and attention grabbing story. You're a very strong individual for overcoming this obstacle and I think anyone would be stupid not to commend you on that.

Good Luck with you application, I hope you get in!! :)
daisiekae 3 / 7  
Oct 7, 2010   #3
It's definitely a different topic, as post people that have gone through this will not be willing to broadcast it in an admissions essay. However, I feel that if you are set on choosing this as your topic, you should elaborate more on how this experience has changed you, and you're outlook on life.

How has overcoming this made you a better person? How will you direct that potential into your education?

"Writing about my loss of innocence is proof that I overcame the bump in my road."
I feel like this isn't enough to give your essay the impact that it needs. You need to show how you are today BECAUSE of this experience, not simply tell a story about your past, does that make sense?

Hope that helps, good luck
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Oct 8, 2010   #4
When we are young, all we wish is to be grown up. Once we are grown up, our ultimate desire is to re-obtain the naïve beauty of our adolescence.

That is so true!

Hey, this essay can be appropriate or inappropriate, depending on how you use it. The trick is to make a connection between this experience and something about your career intentions. Can you make a connection? I think you should take a key insight from this, something interesting that it makes you think of... and make it the theme for the essay.

IS something actually lost? Or did you gain something? Or does it depend on how you manage your strength and pain? Let's see if you can connect this to your career intentions.
tiger31twin 4 / 7  
Oct 8, 2010   #5
Hey that is a really great essay. I am so sorry that you had to go through that. Well I didn't see any flaws or mistakes. Well good luck and stay positive, with that essay I am sure you will get in.


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