My role as the first child of my family

TOPIC: Tech's motto is Progress and Service. We find that students who ultimately have a broad impact first had a significant one at home. What is your role in your immediate or extended family? And how have you seen evidence of your impact on them? (150 Words)

My role as the first child of my family

As the first child in my family, my have always had high expectations of me. Sometimes, I almost act as an assistant parent in my home. I am in charge of household chores such as sweeping and mopping the floors, cleaning of the bedrooms and bathrooms, assisting my mother in preparing meals for the family, babysitting my sibling and cousin and also tutoring them in their academic work.

I always try to lead by example by getting excellent academic grades and having a great personality. I always aim for the highest echelon in everything I do, mostly forfeiting pleasure and fun to become a nerd who has a passion for success. My personality and character have made me my little brother's role model and motivator. My parents are extremely proud of me and use me as an example to other kids in the neighbourhood.

Kindly help me revise this essay, thank you

Mubarak, you should add a paragraph that will detail the kind of influence that you have had on your siblings, your parents, and other family members. As you present yourself to be an integral part of the daily administration of tasks in your household, you should be able to also influence the members of the family. Your first two paragraphs clearly depict the kind of responsibilities that you have in the household and also, the kind of influence that you think you excel upon your family members. That is not enough for this essay.

While it is good that you can tell the reviewer about the influence that you try to exert upon the family members, it would be even better if you can show the reviewer how your influence has helped to develop your family relationships. Either by offering an example of how your siblings look up to you as a role model, or how your parents are proud of you, not only because of your academic achievements (if any), but also because of the responsible individual that they were able to raise. Both scenarios require you to offer an example of how you have positively influenced the people in your family. That should not be too hard for you to do since you already started to discuss it in the second paragraph. I think you only need 2 paragraphs more. One for your depiction of your siblings treating you as a role model, and one paragraph that clearly shows how proud your parents are of the young adult that you have become.

Since you only have 150 words to get this done, You will need to delete the current second paragraph in favor of a clearer presentation based upon my comments above. I am sure you will be able to do this within the word requirement. I look forward to reading your revision.

@Holt
Thank you very much for your advice and expert perusal, I sincerely appreciate it. To be very honest, I rushed through the essay and was just typing anything that came to my mind. That is why I have so many grammatical errors, fragments etc. I am currently working on the revision. Thank you and God bless