Currently in the process of transferring schools from community college to a four year univeristy looking for some feedback about my essay thus far. Looking for points I could fix. Also any errors you find I'd love for you to point out. Thank you!
My first time here so lets see how it goes.
here it is:
He towered over me while my eyes were caught in a trance. The sun rays danced across the diamond and gold that littered his neck in a beautiful symphony. Samson was the pinnacle of man from my eight year old perspective. He was seemingly flawless. He had everything; from beautiful girls to the cherry red Porsche that to this day I still drool over. At twenty years of age my cousin Samson was living the dream rising from the deepest of poverty in Haiti to eating five star meals in America. He carried himself with such a bravado and swagger that I desperately attempted to emulate. He toted me around as if I was his protïgï and the infatuation only engrossed. My, fixation of loving and wanting to be him created resentment towards my own father because he could never be Samson. However, much like the biblical name he bore Samson's reality would come crashing upon him. Unbeknownst to me, Samson was a drug dealer. Sadly, like the fate of many drug dealers he suffered years of incarceration and eventual deportation. But, through his negative experience in life he's left a lasting mark that has driven me to seek an education and have a perpetual hunger for everything I deem to achieve in life.
Samson's journey for years was paved by drugs, guns, and the hunger for more. In my life I've fortunately been able write my journey differently aligning myself with hard work and dedication and opposed drugs and guns. However the hunger to be better and have better is something he displayed around me and I have always clung to it. I work two jobs, attend school full time, and help support myself through school and my family. I achieve all this through the same thought that my cousin lived by "this isn't enough," it has become my daily mantra. As obstacles mount up and seem unbearable I envision what is on the other side of these obstacles and push through them.
Although I have adopted my cousin's brash attitude of winning at all cost it's a more refined concept. His mindset was compelled by the monetary goals. Likewise I am compelled by the want of a beautiful life; however the need to expand my mind is more prudent. My work ethic has always been my winning factor and I'm confident and stand behind it. But, my quest for knowledge is what I want to expand upon. I want my knowledge and understanding to carry me to new heights. Leaving Nassau Community College and moving onward is the change I need to allow me to progress into a more intellectual human being. The possibility to receive a education won't only allow me to become more intellectual but it is chance to escape the pitfalls that line my journey into life. Attending your university would allow me to do more by presenting me with varying challenges that would only push me to excel. I have a sincere passion to broaden my horizons through my education.
Nassau Community College has served as the first mile to a possibly endless marathon of life that I have begun to embark upon. During my attendance at Nassau I've been prosperous working as hard as I can pushing my educational limits farther then I've ever attempted before. From an early beginning I've had a mindset to excel and my undertaking at Nassau has been no different. I've focused on applying myself by accumulating as much knowledge, understanding and experience before I left Nassau. I was able to take classes that challenged my mind and would also serve as mental weapons to push further in my educational pursuits. While my record isn't perfect as I would of liked it reflects someone who has strived and challenged themselves. I am grateful for my experiences at Nassau for tools the institution has equipped me with. But, Nassau isn't enough. It's only a marginal success.
My want to transfer comes because attending Nassau Community College and being successful isn't my stopping point. To achieve what I've always wanted means moving beyond Nassau Community College. It means attending an illustrious institution like yours to achieve my dreams and become a better me.
My first time here so lets see how it goes.
here it is:
He towered over me while my eyes were caught in a trance. The sun rays danced across the diamond and gold that littered his neck in a beautiful symphony. Samson was the pinnacle of man from my eight year old perspective. He was seemingly flawless. He had everything; from beautiful girls to the cherry red Porsche that to this day I still drool over. At twenty years of age my cousin Samson was living the dream rising from the deepest of poverty in Haiti to eating five star meals in America. He carried himself with such a bravado and swagger that I desperately attempted to emulate. He toted me around as if I was his protïgï and the infatuation only engrossed. My, fixation of loving and wanting to be him created resentment towards my own father because he could never be Samson. However, much like the biblical name he bore Samson's reality would come crashing upon him. Unbeknownst to me, Samson was a drug dealer. Sadly, like the fate of many drug dealers he suffered years of incarceration and eventual deportation. But, through his negative experience in life he's left a lasting mark that has driven me to seek an education and have a perpetual hunger for everything I deem to achieve in life.
Samson's journey for years was paved by drugs, guns, and the hunger for more. In my life I've fortunately been able write my journey differently aligning myself with hard work and dedication and opposed drugs and guns. However the hunger to be better and have better is something he displayed around me and I have always clung to it. I work two jobs, attend school full time, and help support myself through school and my family. I achieve all this through the same thought that my cousin lived by "this isn't enough," it has become my daily mantra. As obstacles mount up and seem unbearable I envision what is on the other side of these obstacles and push through them.
Although I have adopted my cousin's brash attitude of winning at all cost it's a more refined concept. His mindset was compelled by the monetary goals. Likewise I am compelled by the want of a beautiful life; however the need to expand my mind is more prudent. My work ethic has always been my winning factor and I'm confident and stand behind it. But, my quest for knowledge is what I want to expand upon. I want my knowledge and understanding to carry me to new heights. Leaving Nassau Community College and moving onward is the change I need to allow me to progress into a more intellectual human being. The possibility to receive a education won't only allow me to become more intellectual but it is chance to escape the pitfalls that line my journey into life. Attending your university would allow me to do more by presenting me with varying challenges that would only push me to excel. I have a sincere passion to broaden my horizons through my education.
Nassau Community College has served as the first mile to a possibly endless marathon of life that I have begun to embark upon. During my attendance at Nassau I've been prosperous working as hard as I can pushing my educational limits farther then I've ever attempted before. From an early beginning I've had a mindset to excel and my undertaking at Nassau has been no different. I've focused on applying myself by accumulating as much knowledge, understanding and experience before I left Nassau. I was able to take classes that challenged my mind and would also serve as mental weapons to push further in my educational pursuits. While my record isn't perfect as I would of liked it reflects someone who has strived and challenged themselves. I am grateful for my experiences at Nassau for tools the institution has equipped me with. But, Nassau isn't enough. It's only a marginal success.
My want to transfer comes because attending Nassau Community College and being successful isn't my stopping point. To achieve what I've always wanted means moving beyond Nassau Community College. It means attending an illustrious institution like yours to achieve my dreams and become a better me.