Santorini, Personal Statement

Does it flow?
any cliches?
any grammar issues?
any corrections?
Thankk you!

I looked to my left and the endless, cerulean ocean was the only thing in my sight, while behind me a blue and white flag billowed in the wind. I couldn't get over how strong the wind was blowing while I stood on the bow of the Aquamarine. We were headed toward a place I only dreamed of exploring, yet there I was. There in front of us was the beautiful Santorini.

My heart skipped a beat as the ship got closer to our destination. Camera in hand and wind blowing about my hair-I was never more ready to experience the trip I had worked so hard for. A small ferry took us the rest of the way since the ship had stopped just short of the dock. Every inch we gained I could see the flowing city atop the volcano's rim, more and more clearly. The tiny details such as the door leading to a home built right into the volcano's walls really caught my eye. Every building had a pristine essence about it, which was partly due to the vibrant blue and white colors which repeated throughout the whole city. Surrounded by new friends who would now take permanence in my life-we were all more than thrilled to ride donkeys up the base of the volcano into the unknown city.

Walking the windy streets throughout Santorini and snapping pictures of everything beautiful that caught my eye-I felt free. I was free to explore and free to feel every moment of my trip on the other side of the world. I had made this trip possible for myself and I knew I was making every second worth it, by simply noticing the bright blue doors and taking in the endless view of the ocean I could see as I stood on the ledge of this volcano.

what's the prompt?

Thank for commenting on mine! I will now reciprocate your efforts :)

Hmm, I think your first sentence may have a run-on because the "while" doesn't really fit... and plus, if the ocean is the only thing in your sight, then why are you seeing a flag too? "Get over" is a really good spot for the thesaurus, as is "strong". You can combine the second-last and the last sentences in your first paragraph to make a stronger, more flowing sentence that kinda emulates the beauty of Santorini.

"Got closer" is another thesaurus spot. You can easily use "approached," but of course that is a bit common too. Oh? "worked so hard for" means that you're going to explain to me how you have worked, whether it be through a struggle in grades, or working for the money. Oh, and make sure to tell me who "we" is. You and your parents?

"Every inch we gained I could see" You need to connect "Every inch we gained" and "I could see" somehow, maybe through using more words, or a comma?

Woah, I didn't know cities flowed!

"The tiny details such as the door leading to a home built right into the volcano's walls really caught my eye." Add a comma after "details" and "walls" to make that phrase clearly modify "details".

How is a volcanic city ever "pristine"? Wouldn't it be covered in charred rocks and stuff? Describe how it's pristine, maybe how the entire place is so well organized around and in the mountain? I don't know, it's your call. At least you explained a bit, but as you said, only "partly".

"Surrounded by new friends who would now take permanence in my life-" If you're going to use a dash, make sure both sides of the dash are complete sentences. Right now, the part before the dash is a dependent clause; do you see it? Same thing for the next dash. My my, you use a lot of dashes. Try not to use so many, maybe 1-2 at MOST because it makes you seem like you only know how to use dashes to describe what you feel.

"I had made this trip possible for myself and I knew I was making every second worth it, by simply noticing the bright blue doors and taking in the endless view of the ocean I could see as I stood on the ledge of this volcano." That's a fat run-on sentence. Read it out loud.

What is the prompt, by the way?

Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

Since you made the trip possible for yourself, maybe you should talk about how you made it possible and how it has changed you, or affected you. They want to hear how the experience reflects who you are so make sure you do that. Also, the whole dash thing, I would try to use something else altogether. Try not to use soooo many adjectives to describe santorini and get to the point of the story, all they want to know is how this story has shaped the person you are today.