Can someone please check out my claim for my personal narrative for my English class.
Have you ever been so scared about trying or doing something new? Well, I have been. Swimming has always been a hobby and an activity that I enjoy doing. It was a peaceful and sunny Saturday afternoon. My mom, Winnie (my little sister), and I decided we would go to a swimming pool in Hayward called Hayward Plunge for 2 hours of swimming. I was having so much fun just swimming laps until my mom asked if I wasn't end to take the swim test.
Hi Connie, the essay is good but I think it would be better if you make this change.
Delete the "we would go"
Hope this helps
Thank you so much for the advice I will change it and try to add more things to it. As I am a begginner writer.
Connie, do you have a 250 word limit on this personal narrative? The story that you have to tell is quite interesting but it seems that it comes to a sudden end. Right after you present what should be the highlight of the essay, it ends. What happened after your mother asked if you could still take the swimming test? Why did she think of that? More importantly, What is the connection of the day of swimming with your question "Have you ever been so scared about trying or doing something new?" ?
This is a very strong introduction to your personal narrative. I just wish you had room to share more information with your reader. You have a talent for developing interesting hooks to get the reader interested in what you have to say. I hope that you will be allowed to develop this narrative further in class. It seems like such a waste of your potential talent to just have you write a paragraph and then not follow through on its development.
Here are my suggestions for improving this current narrative:
Well, I have been . - Just tell the reader that you have already faced this situation before. No need to add "been". it is implied already.
My mom, Winnie (my little sister), and I decided we would go to a swimming pool at a pool
for 2 hours of swimming - you keep repeating the word swimming, it is redundant / repetitious already.
my mom asked if I wasn't end was interested to take in taking the swim test.
Thank you for the advice I am going to write the rest later and would like you to give advice on that too please.
Can you please now check my entire essay thanks!!
Have you ever been scared or afraid about trying or doing something new? Well,I have. Swimming has always been a fun exciting and enjoyable activity and hobby I enjoy doing a lot. On a sunny and warm Saturday afternoon. My mom, Winnie ( my little sister) and I went to an indoor poop at Hayward called the Hayward Plunge. I was having so much fun until my mom asked me to take the 11ft deep swimming test. I was so afraid of the test that I went pale.
After paying the cash register and changing into our bathing suits, I walked up the red flight of slippery stairs carefully to get to the swimming pool. After dropping off my backpack and taking off my slippers, I slowly walked into the freezing and cool water. As I dropped into the depth of the
Countinued
water, my body had goosebumps all over my arms. I was shocked at the temperature of the water on such a hot day. I started swimming laps after laps. I was having so much fun until the head life guard yelled, "SWIM TEST!" I didn't think much about the swim test because I have never thought about taking it. I swam up to my mom and little sister then she told me to go try to take the swim test. I didn't want to go take the swim test that was 11ft deep. I could drown I though.
"No thank you," I said to my mom and then swam away. As I swam to the side of the swimming pool, I thought about the test more and more. What was there to lose I thought. As long as I'm safe I might as well do it. After a long five minutes of careful thought, I finally decided that today was going to be the day that I conquer the fear I had of the swim test.
When I finally reached my mom on the other end of the pool. I said, "I will take the swim test." I got up from the pool and started walking towards the deep ends. My walking became slower as I got closer. My hands and feet started to shake with fear. My whole body was trembling. My hart was beating faster and faster by the second. As the person in front of me started getting in the pool, I got very nervous and afraid.
The life guard waved for me to go down into the water and start swimming. I got down into the water with fear holding to the edge of the pool. My face went pale as I started swimming with all my might. At 3/4 of the way, I started getting tired. I started breathing really hard and slowed down dramatically. I told myself to have persistent and continued swimming the distance.
I finally made it to the end and got up out of the pool. As I got up, I felt a gush of happiness, excitement and relieve that I didn't drown. "Congratulations," the life guard said. The life guard gave me the bright green neon paper wristband so I could go to the deeper pools.
Then I finally realized trying something new isn't that bad even if you fail. As long as you are safe there is nothing to be scared of. Sometimes you just have to get out of your comfort zone and try something new or challenging.
Connie, there is something in your essay that I must immediately call your attention to. Please revise the part where you said "indoor poop". I am sure you meant to say "indoor pool" as poop means feces or the final form of digested waste. It makes the essay sound stinky, if you get what I mean :-)
Now for some grammar corrections:
Swimming has always been a fun, exciting, and enjoyable activity and hobby THAT I enjoy doing a lot
I went to an indoor poop POOL
After paying AT the cashregister CASHIER COUNTER
I slowly walked into the freezing and YET cool water.
As I dropped into the depth of the... -
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The story is really getting to be quite interesting. However, you seem to have suddenly stopped writing. What happened next? Didn't you post the whose essay yet?
Hi Connie! Here are the rest of the corrections for you :-)
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my body had goosebumps all over my arms .
I started swimming laps after laps .
I could drown I thoughT.
"What was there to lose?" I thought.
I finally decided that today was going to be the day that I conquerED the fear I had of the swim test.
walking towards the deep ends .
I got down into the water with fear RUNNING THROUGH MY MIND, YET I HELD ON holding to the edge of the pool.
I told myself to have TO BE persistent and continued swimming the distance.
I finally made it to the end and got up out of the pool.
As I got up, I felt a gush of happiness, excitement and relieve RELIEF that I didn't drown.
Then I finally realized trying something new isn't that bad even if you fail.
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I really like the way that you wrote this simple essay. I could almost imagine what you might have looked like (if I knew what you looked like) as you swam in the deep pool for the test :-) It is an excellent story for a beginner to tell.
Do you think that I would get a good grade on this and am I talking a lot about extra detail and not about the main story?
The kind of grade that you will get will really depend upon how your teacher will view your written work. She or he of all people will have the grading criteria list to refer to while analyzing your work. You have written the narrative in the best way that you know how. You followed the instructions that you were given while you developed the story. You did everything that was expected of you to pass the class writing exercise. All that is left is for you to pass the work and wait for a grade.
I would not worry so much if I were you. The essay that you wrote was quite engaging and allowed the reader to really join you on the adventure that you had that day. That is what makes for good writing. A good writer knows how to immerse the audience into the world of the character. I believe that you were really able to accomplish that with this piece of written work.
As a writer you have to understand that when you tell a story, you need to present extra details in order to create the background or set up the story so that it can unfold in the proper manner. So everything that you think is story clutter at the moment could very well be important parts of the story. The main story of the essay is about your swimming test. That was the highlight. In order to get to that highlight, you had to tell the story of how you ended up at the pool and got dared by your mother to take the test. The result of the test, your getting the band allowing you to swim in the deeper pools was the resolution of the story. So your story is complete. Just sit back and wait for the results :-)
