"my school's orchestra" - elaborate on activities paragraph

In the space provided below, please elaborate on one of your activities (extracurricular, personal activities, or work experience)(150 words or fewer).

In 2005, I finally joined my school's orchestra which I had heard so much about. Initially a third violin, my conductor - recognizing my dedication to practice - assisted me in honing my talent. In less than a year I was handed sheet music for first violin. I further developed my passion for music by joining the chamber ensemble and doing solo exams.

While some musicians struggled to stay interested, I found the orchestra to be very enjoyable, stimulating and critical to the development of my character. I have learnt the importance of the phrase "Together Everyone Achieves More" through sectional rehearsals, which have also developed a great sense of commitment within me. It is the orchestra that exposed me to many people, places and ideas I now appreciate. It has defined me throughout high school life. Being an orchestra member represents me doing what I love, and loving what I do.

(151 words)

Please Critique it for me !
Make mention of interest and organization, and correct if you please.
many many thanks!

Initially a third violin, my conductor - recognizing my dedication to practice - assisted me in honing my talent. --- this part would be correct if your conductor was initially a third violin. Do you know what I mean?

So do this:
Initially a third violin, I was recognized by my conductor for diligent practice, and she assisted me in honing my talent.

Here is another sentence that can be clearer:
I have learnt the importance of the phrase "Together Everyone Achieves More" through sectional rehearsals, which have also developed a great sense of commitment within me.

Through my sectional rehersals, I have learnt the importance of the phrase, "Together everyone achieves more." Rehearsals which have also developed a great sense of commitment within me.

:-)
Being an orchestra member represents me doing what I love, and loving what I do.

thank youuu ! :)
still going to try to put in a specific incident in the mix. not sure how it will work but i will post the new draft.

thanks again

While some musicians struggled to stay interested, I found the orchestra to be very enjoyable, stimulating, and critical to the development of my character. --- All this stuff does not mean anything. It is nicely written, but any reader will know that you did not play music with the idea that, "I am developing my character and feeling stimulated."

The thing to do is share your most valuable insight. What can you say about times when you used the rhythmic, melodic state of mind while doing something other than playing music? What truths about life have been uncovered through music? Share something of value with the reader... something that is one of the most profound insights you gained from music.

Also, notice that the strength of the first line will improve if you take out the word finally. Telling them finally indicates that time passed before you joined, but that is not part of the point of the essay. Don't detract from the essay with unnecessary details.

:-)