"school pride that I had back at home" - Why Columbia

Please edit harshly- thanks!

Please tell us what you find most appealing about Columbia and why:

When our taxi dropped us off in Morningside Heights and we walked onto the Columbia campus, I was amazed- I tripped on the steps of Low Memorial Library because I was too busy looking around. Then, as we listened to an admissions counselor, one thing interested me in particular: the core curriculum. Going to a small, Catholic, girl's school for the past six years, I am able to talk to my friends of every grade level- rant or obsess over books we read, topics we discuss in religion class, and the like. Intimidated at first by the sheer size of the school, the fact that I could maintain the same togetherness and school pride that I had back at home astonished me and was one of my biggest deciding factors in choosing to apply to Columbia. If that weren't enough to dispel any doubts I had with moving across the country, my tour guide, an alumnus from a local school, assured me that, although we stem from Southern California, the weather truly was not that bad- I would survive. In addition, the biggest allure is the location. Being students in a city where art, fashion, culture, finance, business, and media are constantly influenced, there are endless opportunities for pursuing a career and trying to network; there is no place more effective and rewarding to study and to learn about the world. I believe that if I put in the extensive work and effort I intend to, Columbia will help me become a worldly, experienced, focused person; in short, there is no place I'd rather be.

A lot of punctuation here, commas specifically. Split them into separate sentences.


I think it's rather cheesy? That's just my opinion, of course but maybe just eliminate it. Think about it. Or put something else that says something about you.

Good start, just needs revising.

Thank you! I wanted to change the ending around, so now I feel better in that decision.

I don't think it is good to say this:
In addition, the biggest allure is the location. --the biggest allure should probably be professors doing work that fascinates you and pertains to your chosen fields of study.

Being students in a city where art, fashion, culture, finance, business, and media are constantly influenced, there are endless opportunities for pursuing a career (right here, it would be good to relate the location specifically to the field of study that most interests you. Show how focused you are on enacting your plan.and trying to network; there is no place more effective and rewarding to study and to learn about the world.

:-)