'School to stimulate my mind' - Reason to obtain admission in college (Computers)

Want admission into college and wanting to pursue computer science help

I remember that my first encounter with a computer was when my father first bought me a Windows 98, when I was only seven years old. Since then, my fascination for computer technology has transformed, and amplified itself into a passion. With the combination of my interest for computers and the mathematics, I am confident that computer science will be the perfect major for me. Learning about codes can help me grasp the concept of how a computer can function. Using the Christian analogy of when God created the universe, I am hoping that my mentors and fellow students can help me "type" life into a computer.

They say that your pursuit is your proof of desire. In pursuing CUG to be my school of choice, I know that the result will yield a desire to study computer science as always dreamt of. Looking at the impressive programs that CUG has to offer their students, I know that I will truly belong. I want to be in a school along with my fellow students who share the same passion as I do for computers.Throughout the rest of my life, I will continue to learn through my own experiences, learn what life has given me, and I will also offer my own unique perspective to the world and the people around me.

My main objective for attending college is to further my education and to stay persistent on the theory of "one should never stop learning". I know that my future is never to far away, and college is the key or groundwork that leads me to a successful fruitful life and all other future endeavors I might pursue.Had a chance to have a conversation once with the Priest ofSt Kizito Catholic Church Nima, Rev.Fr.Raymond Osei-Tutu. When I asked him about college and its impact on a students' future, he confidently replied "College is only about theory, its how you apply it to the workplace that matters". This statement scared me for some reason, after reviewing it in thought, I realized, I could surely apply any theory I've known and give it all of my heart, but its good theory, good knowledge and a good school that will take me places. Finding a good school that would stimulate my mind with good theory is what put fear in me, but I fear no more cause I believe I found it.

Suggestions and criticism's are allowed

In the first part (before "since then..."), say more about how the windows 98 inspired you, how it raised your love for computers.

"I know WHERE I truly belong"
"... never TOO far away"
"Had a chance to have a conversation once with" => I once had a chance to talk to
"a students' future" => a student's future
"but its good theory, good knowledge and a good school that will take me places" => what do you mean by this?

I suggest that your language should be more formal, not too much, but a little bit more.

If I was the admission officer, I would want to see even more passion. Work on the beginning and the end of your writing, especially the ending, make it stronger, as a good beginning will attract the reader's attention and an impressive ending will make you memorable.

Your ending was not bad, but here's my suggestion: "I've been concerned with finding the right college for me, one that can stimulate me, inspire me, and provide good theory (add some strengths of the school or what you expect from the school here) to its students, and now I'm a hundred percent confident that I've found just the perfect school for me..."

Just my opinion.

Good luck!

I second everything April April said, and also:

first my fascination for computer technology has transformed, and amplified itself <<< no comma

help me "type" life into a computer. <<< expand on this analogy, and the quotes seem a little unnecessary

My pursuit is my proof of desire. <<<more active

This statement scared me for some reason. A fter reviewing it in thought <<<rephrase these few sentences some more

If you have the time, put this aside for a few days. When you reread it with fresh eyes, I think you will be able to find areas to expand on and to revise. Overall I think the flow is good, but you need to work on strengthening to ideas with more personal support.

Best of luck!

Thanks you all