I'm having trouble with the structure of my sentences. I feel that a lot can be changed or revised. Any suggestions? Also does my essay fit the prompt and answer what it is asking for? Any advice would be greatly appreciated-thanks.
Prompt#1
Some people say to not overdue it. To not over pack your schedule, and focus solely on one thing. But the thing is, I never listen to those people. Maybe that's my problem; I'm not a good listener. But maybe it's not such a problem but a solution instead. I always do what I think is best for me. I fill my schedule with things I know will help me become a stronger person. I can't function without a plan, if I don't know where I'm going or what I want I will not make progress.
I perform my best when I am challenged and have many responsibilities. As the youngest of four boys, I constantly competed with my older brothers. I tried to do everything my older brothers did but better; whether it was education or sports, I made sure I surpassed them in every aspect. Furthermore, these challenges that I faced at home carried on to school where I also competed with teammates and classmates so that I can be the best that I can be. I occupied myself with many sports and after school activities. Throughout my four years of high school I was involved in more than four varsity sports in a year and over six school clubs. I held positions in some of those clubs and I also participated in events from my AVID program. I did all of this while still playing for my club soccer team where I had to practice after my school's sports practice at least two times a week and had games every weekend. Concluding to my impacted schedule, it was important that I stayed on top of everything. Activities outside of school are always important to me but I made sure I was on top of my school work the whole time. All of this has strengthened my character and has made me into the hardworking and confident person I must be to become a success.
Having older brothers to compete with me has made me want to do better in sports and school. I love sports and I hate seeing an athlete injured. Whenever I see an athlete injured I want to help them as much as I can. I feel helpless when I can't help an injured teammate because I don't know enough. This is why I want to go to school and study sports medicine to become a Sports therapist/trainer, or orthopedic surgeon and learn how to treat an injured athlete and lead them to recovery. Overall, what has led me to this path and shaped me into a person with goals is the way I competed so much with my brothers. Because of them I played so many sports and challenged myself more and more in school, I want to do better and serve as a useful function.
Some people say to not overdue it.
overdo.
The beginning paragraph does not reflect your final conclusion. Focus more on your brothers and how they influenced you rather than the fact that you are not a good listener.
hi emily-thank you.
i re-read my intro and realized that it does not match my conclusion. I do however want to leave the things about me not being a good listener. i know its not supported any where else in my essay but i dont know how to re-do my whole intro. i did however add in a part about my older brothers so that my intro flows along the rest of my essay. what do you think?
Some people say to not overdue. To not over pack your schedule, and focus solely on one thing. But the thing is, I never listen to those people. Maybe that's my problem; I'm not a good listener. But maybe it's not such a problem but a solution instead. I always do what I think is best for me. I learn from mistakes and experiences from my older brothers and grow from them. I fill my schedule with things I know will help me become a stronger person. I can't function without a plan, if I don't know where I'm going or what I want I will not make progress.
*overdo it.
I always recommend to at least paste the prompt with your essay instead of putting Prompt #1, if you want more people to review your essay.
You have a good focus and balance between school and yourself, although i'd like to see more specific examples pertaining to you.
"Having older brothers to compete with me has made me want to do better in sports and school. I love sports and I hate seeing an athlete injured. Whenever I see an athlete injured I want to help them as much as I can. I feel helpless when I can't help an injured teammate because I don't know enough." is a great addition to your essay, and I think you might want to consider expanding more on that idea, replace some of the filler before it.
A lot of what you say before that portion sound very generic.
Some people say to not overdue it. To not over pack your schedule, and focus solely on one thing. But the thing is, I never listen to those people. Maybe that's my problem; I'm not a good listener.
This doesn't grab my attention at all. You're trying to hard to make a sassy remark, you can reword and compact this better.
But maybe it's not such a problem but a solution instead.
You already used the word maybe in the previous statement, don't be so unsure about yourself. Use a variety of stronger words. Even 'perhaps' could fit the mark.
I always do what I think is best for me. I fill my schedule with things I know will help me become a stronger person. I can't function without a plan, if I don't know where I'm going or what I want I will not make progress.
generic sentence..
I perform my best when I am challenged and have many responsibilities. As the youngest of four boys, I constantly competed with my older brothers. I tried to do everything my older brothers did but better; whether it was education or sports, I made sure I surpassed them in every aspect. Furthermore, these challenges that I faced at home carried on to school where I also competed with teammates and classmates so that I can be the best that I can be. I occupied myself with many sports and after school activities. Throughout my four years of high school I was involved in more than four varsity sports in a year and over six school clubs. I held positions in some of those clubs and I also participated in events from my AVID program. I did all of this while still playing for my club soccer team where I had to practice after my school's sports practice at least two times a week and had games every weekend. Concluding to my impacted schedule, it was important that I stayed on top of everything. Activities outside of school are always important to me but I made sure I was on top of my school work the whole time. All of this has strengthened my character and has made me into the hardworking and confident person I must be to become a success.
What you're doing here is listing off your achievements and what not, which isn't inherently bad, but it's boring. You don't have anything specific.
For example, imagine replacing "I did all of this while still playing for my club soccer team where I had to practice after my school's sports practice at least two times a week and had games every weekend."
with
"Juggling forty pages of AP History reading while I dribbled the ball away from the opposing team's striker, the pressure of winning only motivated me further to stay on top of my school work."
Also, fix the small grammatical errors with proof read.
I can't function without a plan, if I don't know where I'm going or what I want I will not make progress.
should be
I can't function without a plan. If I don't know where I'm going or what I want, I will not make progress.
