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'Science is the concerted human effort' - University of Michigan

minijuey 4 / 7  
Jan 5, 2012   #1
Hey fellas. I've been working on this supplement and I think I've got a solid topic, but I don't know if it flows all that well. Organization gets a little confusing in the second paragraph, and I struggle to involve my role in the community. Does it work? Should it change? Can you help me change it? Thanks. I'd be more than happy to return the favor if someone helps me out. :)

Everyone belongs to many different communities and/or groups defined by (among other things) shared geography, religion, ethnicity, income, cuisine, interest, race, ideology, or intellectual heritage. Choose one of the communities to which you belong, and describe that community and your place within it. (Approximately 250 words)

Science is the concerted human effort to understand the natural world, and it only happens in one place: the lab. The lab can be referred to as a community, a location and a goal, and at my school, it consists of diligent empirical students, lies behind room 301, and strives to solve and understand the natural world of Chemistry. Here, my colleagues and I button up our stylish white lab coats, strap on our protective UV goggles, break out the chemical glassware and equipment, and collectively participate in our experiments, with a pen in hand, to uncover unknown knowledge. We are a community of trust and reliance, for information and conclusions that are obtained are built upon one another so that one answer may lead to another and thus must be accurate. Split, we are individual thinkers acting separately for our own purposes, but together in a lab, we are a brotherhood of young scientists that work cooperatively and diligently, help others who struggle, and inspire the rest. In the lab, we work not for personal gain, but for overall human gain. This, is science and this, is where I belong.

Born with a questionable amount of curiosity, I found myself yearning to understand and comprehend the mechanics behind various processes, beyond just textbooks explanations and lectures which is why I love the lab; it provides me with a map so that with the support of my lab partners, we may discover treasures in the form of answers. The interactive nature of the lab and the heightened level of critical thinking compared to regular lectures is what made me verbally petition to my teacher to increase the lab meetings. With the unanimous support of the lab, we succeeded in our request, and now we perform our experiments every week.

Word Count: 299

cukaracha 1 / 4  
Jan 5, 2012   #2
I agree that you've got a solid topic, which can be improved in the way of delivery. (I hope I don't sound too critical)

Your sentences are rather long (the opening sentence of the second paragraph is 3 lines long...). You might want to split them up with connectors instead of punctuation. I understand that word limit is a bother, but right now the essay feels somewhat heavy.

I wouldn't worry about being vague about your role here because honestly, it's quite clearly put forth. Maybe you can try including more personal and valuable achievements to emphasize this point.

Just my two cents worth. Good luck!
Jono18 1 / 9  
Jan 8, 2012   #3
I agree with cukaracha. Solid topic, but add yourself into it more. And long sentences.
emrebond007 4 / 7  
Jan 8, 2012   #4
in my opinion,you did not really show your place in the community.you globally described your role but you did not focused on yourself.and i agree with everyone,too long sentences
crackhamster 5 / 10  
Jan 8, 2012   #5
I agree with janeth, I would not make your opening so absolute. I would either state something a little broader about science, or try coming up with a different way to introduce the topic.

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