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'Second Chance' - about someone who has made an impact on your life



cc2013 1 / 2  
Nov 27, 2012   #1
I would like some input please! This is essay Topic A for the UT Austin college application and it is due this weekend.

Second Chance

Wiping my eyes into clear vision, I woke up that shining Saturday morning to the most alluring sound of birds caroling and a cool,peaceful wind brushing through the trees. Instead of savoring that priceless moment of harmony to begin my day,I walked on miserably to the family room aware that I had not been getting along with my mother very well. Unnecessary arguments would be the only option of communication with her; I knew this weekend was going to be difficult.

Later on that unpleasant afternoon, I visited a local retail store with a friend. "Look!" Zachary exclaimed. Following the direction he pointed toward, to my astonishment, I saw an elderly man passed out on the parking lot of Target. Staring into his despairing eyes I was in absolute shock. The audience

of horrified customers watched as death slowly came in to take the helpless man. My heart longed to help him but, at that point, I was just as helpless as

the paramedics were. That afternoon, I witnessed death.

Clocking into my shift at work about an hour later, my mind could not focus. I forced a smile onto my face in order to display a proper attitude for work but

it was not without difficulty. Eventually, due to the lack of business at Whataburger that Saturday evening, my manager asked me to leave early. I agreed and left eagerly. My home is within walking distance of work, so I decided I needed the fresh air after a long day and spared calling my mother for a ride. As I began walking I immediately removed my hat and name tag while enjoying the light breeze. I soon passed a nearby church with weekly verses on its billboard. This week's verse was a little different; as I read it left me with a smile.

"Thu-thump, thu-thump, thu-thump," I suddenly hear. Quickly turning to see the running steps, my heart drops heavily, as I realize these steps are after me. A powerful man throws my body hard against the asphalt of that hidden back street and with his fierce hands, wraps them tightly around my neck. His heavy body

against mine, I was helpless. Gasping for air, screaming for "help", I stared into his dark eyes, just as I had with the elderly man's, as this monster

collected each breath of mine into his power. His eyes had no sense of remorse, no affection whatsoever. My fear grew heavy as I unexpectedly visualized back

to the church billboard I had recently read, "Love never gives up, neither do mothers." "My mom," I desperately thought, "this might be the last time I ever

see her again!" "No," I refused, "I won't give up."

My screeches for help grew louder, I fought and prayed harder, but I only grew drastically weaker. Suddenly, not able to focus visually anymore, I saw two

angelic shadows running toward me. My neck was finally free. My life had been saved by two nearby neighbors; I couldn't help but bawl into hysterical tears.

All I could conceive in the midst of the blurred crowd of policemen and paramedics was: "I get to see my mommy again."

To this day, I do not know who this heartless man is or what this stranger wanted from me. I am not even sure where he may be or if I will ever encounter

him again. But, despite the physical and mental damage he has caused me, this unusual man has certainly made the most significant impact on my seventeen

years of existence. He has allowed me not to take life for granted. My life could have been taken just as easily as the elderly mans' at the store had. I realize now that this experience was used for me to understand to love my family with all I have and to live each day gratefully. I believe I was given a second chance in this wonderful life of mine to accomplish great goals. I have a pulse and am breathing for a specific reason. Precisely because I am a survivor, I will strive more and put all my dedication into becoming the most educated Nurse Practioner capable. Thank God, I was given a second chance.

kakiasatt 1 / 7  
Nov 27, 2012   #2
The biggest thing thing that sticks out to me is that you only talk about how that someone had an impact on your life for a few sentences in the last paragraph. The story is nice, but you lead me to believe 2 previous times as to what the essay is about. (You not getting along with your mother, the man dying in the parking lot) Both times i believed that your essay would be about those situations. I didn't realize until writing this that you included that to lead into you wanting to see your mother again during the attack, but you should add onto that or make it more clear, instead of just a sentence about you not getting along with her after you woke up.

I suggest cutting out a lot of the filler in the early paragraphs and trying to add more about how that situation effected your life before your concluding paragraph. Since the Essay is about the assault and how it impacted your life, try focusing more on that and less on the elder man's death and your time at work.
OP cc2013 1 / 2  
Nov 27, 2012   #3
Yeah I did tend to add too many topics in this essay. I will focus more on one now. Thank you!


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