Everyone belongs to many different communities and/or groups defined by (among other things) shared geography, religion, ethnicity, income, cuisine, interest, race, ideology, or intellectual heritage. Choose one of the communities to which you belong, and describe that community and your place within it. (Approximately 250 words)
Any suggestions are welcomed. If you need me to look at your essay just ask. Thank you.
"Welcome our new inductees who have shown leadership, scholarship, service, and character," said the speaker and in an instant two hundred students began to cheer because finally we were part of National Honors society. This is not simple high school club but is a diverse family with members from Albania, America, Mexico, Romania, China, Japan, and Africa. This is a family who accepts all races, religions, and backgrounds and celebrates them all. It is diverse group held together by our simple desire to help others and our commitment to academic excellence. My role in the NHS family is that of a big brother because of my being on the Executive Board of NHS. I help the members when they have inquiries, problems, or simply need someone to talk to. As an executive board member I have helped plan fundraisers like bake sale and bottle drive and have also volunteered in them. I have always found a joy in helping others and NHS has allowed me to do that and much more. NHS has offered free tutoring to students and I have found that teaching my fellow students is something that I really enjoy and may someday pursue. The National Honors Society is my family and I am only a small part of it. I may have only two real siblings but because of this group, no family, I feel as if I have two-hundred brothers and sisters who cannot be replaced and the experiences we have had will never be forgotten.
This essay very adequately answers the prompt, but i did notice a few things that bothered me. For instance, in the first sentence it might sound better as "Welcome TO our new inductees COMMA who...
"This is not a simple high school club but A" Drop the is.
"Being on the Executive Board, my role in the NHS family is that of a big brother." This flows better.
"The National Honors Society is my family and I am only a small part of it." This is generic. I recommend just deleting that sentence. The last sentence helps show this idea rather than tell it.
All in all, a really good response. Please, Please read my common app revision.
'no family' is not the best way to write that last part.
I may have only two real siblings, but because of this group, this family, I feel ...
Great job. I notice a few little characteristics of this essay that show very strong control of English grammar, stronger than most students. They'll be impressed! Good choice of topic, too.
