Seek, seek and seek! Seeking professional books in the library, seeking university information on the internet and seeking SAT counseling materials in bookstores, I was wondering why I always did these alone. Since we have started our applications, my friends became cautious with each other. Although the application of University is a private matter, how could we be alienated from others? Considering that, I was determined to launch an organization, providing a communication platform for everyone. Apart from a webpage, I also held group gatherings in order that my friends would work on self-designed projects in groups. Moreover, via video phone, we even invited the senior schoolmates who was studying abroad to show us beautiful universities. Actually, that is how Chengdu Overseas Student Association was founded. Sharing resources and helping each other, we have had more than 100 members now!
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Seek, seek and seek!
>> Not the best way to start off an essay.. your idea that you want to grab attention is 100% smart, but don't do it by repeating the same word three times excitedly..
Seeking professional books in the library, seeking university information on the internet and seeking SAT counseling materials in bookstores, I was wondering why I always did these alone.
>>> You ALWAYS looked for SAT counseling and university information? wasn't that like just recently or something? plus, everyone did that, because most students are applying for college now and a lot of them are applying for USA universities so it's not weird that your looking for this information.. Don't mention anything that "everybody does", mention what "Jiani Hu does"
Since we have started our applications, my friends became cautious with each other.
>>> I didn't really get that.. who's we? and how cautious?
Although the application of University is a private matter, how could we be alienated from others?
>> A private matter? and what does that has to do with being alienated?
Considering that, I was determined to launch an organization, providing a communication platform for everyone. Apart from a webpage, I also held group gatherings in order that my friends would work on self-designed projects in groups.
>> OK, so your idea is an organization.. Don't start it with "considering that" because it's the most important thing you mention in the essay so don't undermine it by simply "considering" it.. and don't say "Apart from a webpage" because, again, you're not giving what you did an emphasis and you don't imply that it's important by just "passing by" what you did. What did you put in the webpage? what was it for?
Moreover, via video phone, we even invited the senior schoolmates who was studying abroad to show us beautiful universities.
>>Seniors were on a trip? Or were they graduates who went abroad for college?
Actually, that is how Chengdu Overseas Student Association was founded.
>>> Don't use "Actually".. omit it.. and did you start it? mention that you founded it..
Sharing resources and helping each other, we have had more than 100 members now!
>>> The first part of the sentence is kinda irrelevant to the second part of it..
Overall, I think you have a good idea, but maybe you're having a hard time putting it onto paper.. I think you should delete part of the essay:
"Seek, seek and seek! Seeking professional books in the library, seeking university information on the internet and seeking SAT counseling materials in bookstores, I was wondering why I always did these alone. Since we have started our applications, my friends became cautious with each other. Although the application of University is a private matter, how could we be alienated from others?"
AND focus on the second half to talk more in detail about your organization.. did you make it? what were the organization's mission and vision? Did it make a difference? what did other students think about it?
I personally enjoyed the introduction "Seek, seek!". It's something different and attention grabbing which is exactly what these people would appreciate seeing after reading way too many " over the summer I volunteered..."
I agree with Mayada. Don't use words like SOMEthing, SOMEbody, ANYbody, EVERYbody. you must be more specific.
Mayada is right, maybe you'd need to specify more clearly who your subjects are and elaborate on what was going on with the relationships between your friends. " Since we have started our applications, my friends became cautious with each other. Although the application of University is a private matter, how could we be alienated from others?"
I enjoy the idea of the essay, and I understand it for the most part. My understanding is derived from being a senior amidst in the college application process myself, however the adults on the committee of whatever college may not understand where you're coming from unless you explain with more details.
Maybe you can think of something creative to do with seek, seek, seek. Seeking scholarly sources, web resources, and new members for the organization...
ah, I don't know, I got nothing...
:-) Please lets see anything new you com up with in revision. What do you think about the ideas presented here?
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