Reflect on a time when you challenged a belief or idea. What prompted you to act? Would you make the ...
The sun was sleeping in Mongolia, almost a semicircle, a dark shade of orange, peeping itself over the top of the mountain. I was lying on my couch watching "Game Changers" on Bloomberg which is about Anna Wintour and people were talking about business and her impact in the fashion industry. After the tv series, Ariunaa suri who was one of the successful Mongolian designer is having an interview about her second fashion runway show in Mercedes Benz Fashion Week Tokyo. People see fashion as just sewing and selling but there's a whole world behind it. I was staring at a ceiling, these thoughts popping up in my mind that I love fashion and business so why can't I just I internship with her? It's been my long-term passion. When I put my mind to something I look for results. I decided to contact her via email, and she asked me to come to Marshal Art Gallery where she was having a Museum Exhibit of her new collection. She wasn't just a regular designer, she was this mysterious women. For a week I was living in my dream, there was stylist, marketing directors from "Mongolian Vogue" called Goodali Magazine. I was immersed in the fashion world and have the opportunities to ask the Marketing Director about how is it to combine fashion industry and business. Month later I asked Ariunaa Suri for an internship. She graciously invited me to come work on her team . I thought she would give me big responsibilities but she asked me to untangle messy knit. For a week I was helping her carry the clothes and boxes, and cleaning the office but I was still asking about her experience in the fashion industry. I heard from her assistant that she's been invited to open a store in Austria, New York but she turned it down. A few days later she told me she was doing a fashion show in the Mercedez Benz Showroom and asked me for help. I said absolutely! I was assigned the task of leading the facebook marketing for the event and do fittings for all this gorgeous Mongolian models. It was May 16 , the week before the fashion show and I was going back home from the internship. I was fearful but I was living in my dream. I worked the backstage which turned out to be a success. During this experience my parents and people around me said I was too young to have this big responsibilities and my body and my mind told me, "Quit! Quit!" in my heart, I felt that quitting was not the right thing and I didn't wanted to give up on what I wanted to do. But I took the risk and took the opportunity at the age of 15. What I learned from this challenging experience is that _______________________ (I don't what to write , help me :-[ )
Anar, this is an unusual response to the prompt. If handled properly, it should turn into a unique response that should catch the eye of the reviewer. The immediate problem of your essay though, it that it is running too long with just the introduction of the belief or idea that you want to challenge. Learn to use paragraphs properly. Edit the backstory, shorten it to jump to the Mercedes Benz Fashion Show at the end of the introduction paragraph. You should have already stated what the belief or idea you are challenging is. Make it very clear to the reviewer.
After stating the idea, explain the reasons why you had a feeling that you had to challenge it. What obstacles stood in your way that told people around you that you would not succeed? Why were you forced to react to the messages of people around you that did not support your belief about yourself?
Come into your third paragraph with a show of confidence and force. Relate how you proved these people wrong and how you did it. Then jump to your concluding paragraph where you should summarize your essay and then close by telling the reviewer if you will make the same decision if you had to live your life over and face the same situation again or not. Give some reasons supporting that decision and your essay will be all set for editing :-)
