"seminar about HIV/AIDS prevention" - extracurricular activities or work experiences

Briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences (150 words or fewer, 1000 character maximum).

Hello guys, I have written this small essay, but I think it is too simple and needs to be changed; it would be great if I can get any suggestions or help from you

thanks in advance.

Attitude towards AIDS in Georgian regions is negative. The clear example of this problem is one fact that happened when there was arranged the seminar about HIV/AIDS prevention in Kvemo-Qartli regional school. The upcoming event was aggressively adopted by the student's parents, they felt that the information which we were to give to their children was inappropriate for adolescents, the reason for such perception of the parents was that they were uninformed about the problem; in fact they even hadn't had any information about AIDS. After the seminar parents themselves expressed their desire to, introduce this information to their children, they also enthusiastically attended the seminar which was held for the high graders. Furthermore many of them become involved in peer educators network and actively coordinated with us. I'm glad that I could help these people realize how dangerous AIDS is and gave them the detailed information about this terrible disease.

Hello there :D

Though not explicitly stated, most colleges wants your essay to be about YOU even if they've ask you to elaborate on the activities. You have a good topic, different from others; however, you approach this topic using the third person point of view, which gives the essay this very formal and "non-personal" feel. The only area that you've mentioned yourself is during the last sentence, which is also a very weak conclusion.

If you've participated in this organization for a long time, elaborate on the things that you actually do. Remember the rule "Show, don't tell." If you have lead clinics to inform other about AIDS, mention that. If you have a close friend/family who suffers from AIDS, write about how that affected you and what you could do in this organization. Be specific.

Good luck !

Have time? Look at my essay and return the favor! Thanks :)

Considered to be the Iron Gate, SLC examination was near when I was offered a job to be a Computer programming tutor for students of my level. I had to prepare for my own dreams, my future, but I was fully motivated towards guiding them with full endeavor, knowing that their dreams also somewhat depended on me. In this process, I learned to be a leading personality, guiding the expectations of the third person. The experience I gained by teaching people who had the same dream as me has benefited me immensely, furthering my thinking process and teaching me to approach things with increased responsibility.

could you guys please check mine too?

ltpvan
thanks, I appreciate your help. I guess, I have to entirely change the essay

Common App short essay - Briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities

Briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (150 words or fewer, 1000 character maximum).

Please write what you think, it would be great if I can get any suggestions or help from you. All comments are welcome.
Thanks in advance

In 2009 NGO New Vision coordinating with the World Vision International held trainings about the healthy lifestyle including HIV/AIDS prevention in Georgian regions. Since that time I'm an active member and one of the trainers in NGO. During that time I came across with the diverse group of people I have never met; it helped me to develop my communication skill and ability to work in cooperation and accomplish the tasks with maximum efficiency.

I worked with the people who were infected with AIDS; I was able to see the world through their eyes, and as a result, it helped me to truly appreciate the fact that they aren't a threat to those they are in contact with. I have realized the fact that, helping the community or individuals in need, especially when they have no hope and expectation from this life, makes you better person.

that , helping the community or individuals in need, especially when they have no hope and expectation from this life, makes you a better person.
i'm not sure about that 'a' but i guess it should be there)

I worked with the people who were infected with AIDS; I was able to see the world through their eyes, and as a result, it helped me to truly appreciate the fact that they aren't a threat to those they are in contact with. I have realized the fact that, helping the community or individuals in need, especially when they have no hope and expectation from this life, makes you better person.

I would suggest use "the fact that" for only one time. Think of another phrase.

Impressive experience and nice statement of its influence on you:)