I'd appreciate any feedback. I'll help in return. Thanks! :)
Every night at 11:12 my eyes light up. My sister once told me that 11:12 was the perfect time to make a wish because the fairies cannot possibly listen to all the wishes made the minute before. So I count the 60 seconds between 11:11 and 11:12, make my nightly wish, and fill my dreams with the prospect of tomorrow.
Four years ago, night after night, I whispered the same wish, "Please, don't send me to America!" My parents, suffering from financial hardships, had made a tough decision; I was to leave Korea and be adopted by my relatives in the United States. I resisted the move and employed all my talents to change their minds. I wrote a long, sentimental poem, drew a family portrait, and wailed beseechingly-to no avail. I wasted all my obstinacy clinging to the past until I finally had to look forward. I left my old home - if not with the brightest hopes - at least with a glimmering wish for new adventures.
My dreams quickly turned to nightmares. Living and learning on foreign soil frustrated me: I had taken such pride in my communicativeness back home, only to find myself mute among new teachers and classmates. The lectures baffled me as I tried to snatch at recognizable words. The textbooks, crammed with tiny print, overwhelmed me. Surrounded by fluent classmates, I felt left behind and isolated. In order to blend in and catch up in my studies, I had to double my efforts.
There was, after all, no time to dawdle. My adoptive parents faced financial burdens, and they needed every hand and hour of the day to keep their business running. Being part of the family meant sharing in both emotional and financial responsibilities: As a gratitude for their generosity, I felt like it was my duty to help them in every way possible. As an employee at the family restaurant, I learned to work quickly and unreservedly, not to begrudge my family the time they asked of me. No matter how long the day had been, I would always have my 60 seconds of bliss before 11:12 to wind down and reflect.
My wishes, too, had taken a turn. They evolved from stubborn, personal desires to the stepping stones of maturation. At first, I had felt bitter about the obstacles I had to face; I had just wanted to get away. But as I learned to jump over those obstacles, I began to see hope. I was never alone in my difficulties, and I began to make wishes not just for myself, - but for those who mattered to me as well. Generosity and acceptance greeted me just as much as hardship or reluctance. No longer was wishing merely a refuge from the troubles of the day. The challenges I faced taught me that wishing was something that could connect me to my world and the people in it.
"I began to see hope" seems weird .. . The challenges I faced taught me that wishing was something that could connect me to my world and the people in it.
" doesnt seem apt .. improve on ur last para dude ..
I really like your essay its unique. I think you should talk about why you didnt want to go to America since you mention it in the 2nd paragraph. Secondly, I think you should talk about the "doubling up". What did you do? Talk about whether you had to read some things twice because you didnt understand them or whether you had to stay after school everyday to get instructions about the homework because you didnt clearly understand them when the teacher explained. Explain more!! and provide those little details. They make you essay weigh more.
Otherwise great essay. I can relate to your experience. I will share with you my common app essay if you would like. Its kind of similar.
WOuld you read my harvard supplement please.
Thanks guys!
I'll take a look at yours too.
This essay will definitely make an impact!
A few lines could be added that describe a little more about you and your hard-work towards the end. It will really get across more of your character.
I think it has some bright ideas . I would say that because I am an Asian too , so I read many essays about getting through obstacles in foreign countries before , so I did not experience any significant impact at all . However , I believe that you have some unique ideas , and you should polish a bit more on some sentence structures .
I would say your essay is personal , nevertheless witty . I like it
I really like how you incorporated the "wish" theme throughout the essay.
Some parts seem general though. Be more specific on the "financial burden," "doubling efforts," and "helping out at the restaurant."
Also, write more about how it shaped you, and how you're different now.
If you refine those, I think it'll be phenomenal essay! :)
What do you guys think about the last sentence?
I feel like it digresses a bit. Any suggestion?
Wow, very well written! I like how you've taken something so simple, and turned it into something quite insightful and personal. However, one thing:
The challenges I faced taught me that wishing was something that could connect me to my world and the people in it.
^I feel this is quite...generic. How many essays have you seen that ended with, "The challenges I have faced taught me..." It doesn't come off as very strong which is not the case with the rest of your essay. Perhaps, add on another sentence that draws up your conclusions, such as, "connections are the medium of learning" or something like that. You'd probably have to provide some sort of personal conclusion that no one else could write for you.
Good luck!
Mind going over my Feminism essay?
Wow! This is a really good essay
You should just make it more specific.
Good Luck :)
i LOVE this essay!! I do feel like the ending is a bit dry compared to the beginning! Try ending it with a big BANG! :D good luck!!
Do you guys think the last paragraph suits the essay? Any suggestion on the strong last sentence? :)
This is a well written essay, it is memorable, and it is interesting to read.
I feel that the last paragraph of the essay fits well, but that the last sentence does not fit well with the rest of the essay.
I'd write:
My wishes, too, had taken a turn. They evolved from stubborn, personal desires to the stepping stones of maturation. At first, I had felt bitter about the obstacles I had to face; I had just wanted to get away. But as I learned to jump over those obstacles, I began to see hope. No longer was wishing merely a refuge from the troubles of the day. Generosity and acceptance greeted me just as much as hardship or reluctance. I was never alone in my difficulties, and I began to make wishes not just for myself, - but for those who mattered to me as well.
I think that sentence is great so I thought it would be a strong ending to the essay.
Good luck!
You should talk about how you are going to use "wishes" for the future.
Say how you are not afraid of the challenges anymore because you have always have that "minute" to "wind down and reflect."
