Shopping with my mother and Intellectual Vitality

Stanford students possess an intellectual vitality. Reflect on an idea or experience that has been important to your intellectual development. (250 word limit.)
I have difficulty writing, and even more so with a limit. I really appreciate any feedback! The following is my response:

It brings me great discomfort being with my mother at the cash register. I cross my fingers in hope that the cashier does not forget to include her twenty-percent off coupon or the store's guaranteed discount. Many times, however, I find myself with a florid facial expression, standing in front of a cute cashier and an angry Hispanic mother complaining to my side. If the total reflects a cardigan sweater at its original price, I'm in for an eternal moment of embarrassment. "Please, Mom, please! Can you not right now?" I beg her, saying nothing but clenching my teeth and widening my eyes. I follow up with a quick apology and a translation of my mother's Spanish diction and tone. I either explain to my mother why her coupon did not work, or she gets her way. If only she learned English, she would understand that the cashiers were not trying to rip her off, and that the store's twenty-percent discount only applies to select styles. Additionally, I would not look like a fool, blushing in front of cute cashiers.

My mother is a successful woman, because she has granted me the opportunities to seek a higher level education. However, her inability to speak English has hindered her own opportunities. Like my mother, many other immigrants' possibilities of success are limited because of language barriers and miscommunication. I firmly believe learning English - not only basic colloquialism, but more sophisticated usage of it - will greatly expand and further anyone's accomplishments!

I know it is not your intention to put your mother down and it is not your intention to make your mother look bad because she doesn't know how to speak English, but that's exactly what it sounds like. This is probably a tone issue and could easily be fixed with a few changes. For example, when you say that you would not look like a fool in front of the cashiers if your mother knew how to speak English, that gives off the impression of complaining, which is something that should not be in a college essay, especially when the school is as prestigious as Stanford. Also, it seems like you missed the point of the "intellectual vitality" essay. The anecdote and your mother should not be the focus of the essay, you are or more specifically your discovery about the power of English. So, instead of writing what essentially looks like a complaint against your mother's inability to speak English, you should use the same anecdote and show how you came to discover the power of the English language.

I hope I was helpful.

Thank you! It truly takes some feedback to become aware of my mistakes. This essay was a shorter version (because of Stanford's limit) of the original essay I wrote. I will re-post another revision sometime soon. Thanks again!

It appears as if you are complaining about your mother. Write in such a way that the readers don't feel that you are complaining about your mother.

Other than that. Style-wise it is good.
Hope this helps (y)

I have a hard time grasping "Intellectual Vitality," but here is another shot at the essay. Thanks in advance!

I've always been fond of math and the sciences, partially because of my past dislike of writing and reading, and partially because of my enthusiasm for developing technology. Math and Science are black and white; one answer for one problem is the norm. However, it was not until this year that it dawned on me; language remains the most important technology that has ever been created. I can only figure and make images of ideas without language. Be it Spanish or English, I cannot think without language. It brings ease to the communication and evolution of ideas. For example, mass energy equivalence cannot be merely explained by its equation; Einstein simplified it using variables and explained it using language. Furthermore, I became aware of the reasons for my success in math classes: not much context and language was applied to my work. I took derivatives of functions with ease, but it was only later that I realized what I was doing in context. For example, I could use a function and its derivatives to explain distance, velocity, and acceleration of a particle in physics.

Without language and the development of its precision, ideas are caged, hindered, and limited. A good idea cannot be perceived by others without the use of words, expression, style, and voice; that is, everything that encompasses and includes language.

I think you should expound more upon why it has been important to your intellectual development. You also need to be clearer with what the main idea of you paragraph is. Other than that, great essay!

Hope this helped!

Okay, the second one is lacking the "spark" that is supposed to be a central feature of an intellectual vitality essay. Ideally, it would be about a moment of discovery or epiphany, in which the light bulb suddenly goes off. I read one example where a guy was talking about a chemistry assignment and I read another one where a guy talked about measuring his strides on the way home. I'm aware that the second one is a little odd, but it was his moment of discovery and it worked. To really nail this essay you need to find that kind of a moment. Maybe, when you discovered what you wanted to do or study. Something like that.

I hope I was helpful...again.

Oh, by the way could you read mine, I think it needs some work.