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Significant expereince-- 6th grade math class



Yayz 10 / 94  
Aug 19, 2010   #1
Another essay for a program that determines admission/a full scholarship to schools like the University of Chicago

Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you. (500 word limit)

The crack in the so-called window of my sixth grade math class always had the suspicious air of a bullet wound. The black-, no, greenboard bore a note instructing students to bring a novel to read-left over from another class. The lessons were usually easy and the plastic chairs were usually hard. The air felt cold and the chalky blue paint muffling the walls continued to peel. The teacher was kind enough not to mind my completion of homework for lesson 3.4-or whichever lesson we happened to be on-before or while he taught lesson 3.4. And the boy to my right seemed convinced that the best method of entertaining himself must be making me miserable; my physical appearance and nerdy grasp of mathematics were the chief areas of attack. Lachrymose and lacking self-esteem, I fell prey to quite a number of his taunts.

Many view learning as an unpleasant experience. I've always been odd enough to enjoy it and have found long division and Queen Elizabeth fascinating. Here I've mentioned topics one usually comes across in school. While I value what I have learned from my textbooks and my teachers I am also indebted to my peers, my surroundings, and even myself for what I have learned from them. In elementary school it was easy to recognize learning spelled out by a neat benchmark; but since then, I've realized that learning from experience can be just as, if not more so, important. For instance, the year I spent in sixth grade math was the source for one of my defining life lessons-no, not lesson 3.4, but personal value, or valuing the self.

I was fortunate enough to feel tortured by the boy to my right. At some point, wading through my tears grew too laborious and I determined that I must step back and reevaluate my situation. Although my thought process involved much more wobbling here and there, oscillating to and fro, and other sorts of motions resembling amateur performance art than that statement conveys, in sum, it is accurate.

Hair that is aberrantly puffy or curly is not a signification of an individual's inferiority and an aptitude for mathematics is actually a good thing. While this may seem obvious, in sixth grade, it was my revelation: self-worth should not be undermined by negative comments from malicious persons and reasonable pride in one's abilities is healthy. Since discovering this, I have continued to grow in my understanding of the importance of self-esteem and have developed a desire to help others with this as well. I plan to facilitate the realization of this wish by pursuing a degree in psychology and a career in psychiatry.

I'm always on the look-out for new learning opportunities, including those that are hard to find. After all, who would have expected that in a math class rife with stimuli and, of course, math, my most significant experience would come from the boy to my right?

ershad193 14 / 321  
Aug 20, 2010   #2
due to the end, I am very grateful for means

Shouldn't there be "the" before "means"?

Okay, I don't know what to criticize; I guess I'll just talk about what your essay made me think.

First of all, I found it quite hard to hold on to a single thought which described the essay. I mean, in the first paragraph, I felt you were going to talk about something related to maths, or the class in general. However, you ended it up with the boy.

In the second paragraph you make an intriguing point, and while it looks good, I felt like you were telling me why an unpleasant experience is sometimes important for learning. I know that, and have known it for quite sometime, and I'm sure the AOs know that too.

The third sentence of the third paragraph seemed similar to what I've pointed out. Again, I felt as if you were teaching me something, and I'm not sure if that's a good idea for an admissions essay.

for the mental illnesses that require the aid of medication.

You're stating the obvious. The word "psychiatry" means the same thing.
In any case, I think the concluding sentence is weak.

These are just my observations. You're free to disagree.
OP Yayz 10 / 94  
Aug 20, 2010   #3
Shouldn't there be "the" before "means"?

Yeah I noticed that after I put it up

in the first paragraph, I felt you were going to talk about something related to maths, or the class in general. However, you ended it up with the boy.

I was going for an abrupt thing...kind of symbolizing how everyone knows that you learn math in a math class but you don't usually expect to learn something life changing oO I think that can be fixed simply by writing a sentence in the beginning of the paragraph about the boy so it doesn't take the reader by surprise...how severe is the abruptness problem?

In the second paragraph you make an intriguing point, and while it looks good, I felt like you were telling me why an unpleasant experience is sometimes important for learning. I know that, and have known it for quite sometime, and I'm sure the AOs know that too.

That's a good point and you gave me a really good idea. What if I rewrite the para so that it is about my learning this, not telling you or the AOs something we all already know? So it is more personal & what-not

Many people view learning as an unpleasant experience. I've always been odd enough to enjoy it and have found long division and Queen Elizabeth fascinating. Here I've mentioned topics one usually comes across in school. While I value what I have learned from my textbooks and my teachers, I am also indebted to my peers, my surroundings, and even myself for what I have learned from them. In elementary school it was easy to recognize learning spelled out by a neat benchmark; but since then, I've realized that learning from experience can be just as, if not more so, important. For instance, the year I spent in sixth grade math was the source for one of my defining life lessons-no, not lesson 3.4, but personal value, or valuing the self.

The third sentence of the third paragraph seemed similar to what I've pointed out. Again, I felt as if you were teaching me something, and I'm not sure if that's a good idea for an admissions essay.

Yeah, I kind of wrote that as a disclaimer so it wouldn't seem as if I was trying to say that we should verbally abuse children because it builds character oO Thank you for your perspective, Ershad; you are always pointing out that I underestimate the reader. Anyway, wonderful--I can take this sentence out. There isn't anything important there so this is the new para

I was fortunate enough to feel tortured by the boy to my right. At some point, wading through my tears grew too laborious and I determined that I must step back and reevaluate my situation. Although my thought process involved much more wobbling here and there, oscillating to and fro, and other sorts of motions resembling amateur performance art than that statement conveys, in sum, it is accurate.

And now I only have 459 words so maybe I can write a decent conclusion

Ok, how is this for a concluding paragraph?

I'm always on the look-out for new learning opportunities, including those that are hard to find. After all, who would have expected that in a math class rife with stimuli and, of course, math, my most significant learning experience would come from the boy to my right?

It subtly wraps things up & explains the abruptness in the first para! Or at least I was trying to accomplish that (thoughts on this would be nice=). Now I am up to 496w

Thanks, Ershad!! =)
ershad193 14 / 321  
Aug 20, 2010   #4
how severe is the abruptness problem?

It's not a problem, and I didn't think it was all that abrupt. I don't know how to put it...it was like a digression...a mild digression. I know I'm sounding confused, but I don't know a better way to explain this.

Don't make changes for the time being.

What if I rewrite the para so that it is about my learning this, not telling you or the AOs something we all already know?

That's the idea.

I am also indebted to my peers, my surroundings, and even myself for what I have learned from them

I didn't understand this. How can you be indebted to yourself?

This one looks better. It looks "personal" as you say.

you are always pointing out that I underestimate the reader

Hehe...I never realized that. :)

how is this for a concluding paragraph?

It's good, but I've got no issues with the last one, except the last sentence.


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