Shouldn't there be "the" before "means"?
Yeah I noticed that after I put it up
in the first paragraph, I felt you were going to talk about something related to maths, or the class in general. However, you ended it up with the boy.
I was going for an abrupt thing...kind of symbolizing how everyone knows that you learn math in a math class but you don't usually expect to learn something life changing oO I think that can be fixed simply by writing a sentence in the beginning of the paragraph about the boy so it doesn't take the reader by surprise...how severe is the abruptness problem?
In the second paragraph you make an intriguing point, and while it looks good, I felt like you were telling me why an unpleasant experience is sometimes important for learning. I know that, and have known it for quite sometime, and I'm sure the AOs know that too.
That's a good point and you gave me a really good idea. What if I rewrite the para so that it is about my learning this, not telling you or the AOs something we all already know? So it is more personal & what-not
Many people view learning as an unpleasant experience. I've always been odd enough to enjoy it and have found long division and Queen Elizabeth fascinating. Here I've mentioned topics one usually comes across in school. While I value what I have learned from my textbooks and my teachers, I am also indebted to my peers, my surroundings, and even myself for what I have learned from them. In elementary school it was easy to recognize learning spelled out by a neat benchmark; but since then, I've realized that learning from experience can be just as, if not more so, important. For instance, the year I spent in sixth grade math was the source for one of my defining life lessons-no, not lesson 3.4, but personal value, or valuing the self.
The third sentence of the third paragraph seemed similar to what I've pointed out. Again, I felt as if you were teaching me something, and I'm not sure if that's a good idea for an admissions essay.
Yeah, I kind of wrote that as a disclaimer so it wouldn't seem as if I was trying to say that we should verbally abuse children because it builds character oO Thank you for your perspective, Ershad; you are always pointing out that I underestimate the reader. Anyway, wonderful--I can take this sentence out. There isn't anything important there so this is the new para
I was fortunate enough to feel tortured by the boy to my right. At some point, wading through my tears grew too laborious and I determined that I must step back and reevaluate my situation. Although my thought process involved much more wobbling here and there, oscillating to and fro, and other sorts of motions resembling amateur performance art than that statement conveys, in sum, it is accurate.
And now I only have 459 words so maybe I can write a decent conclusion
Ok, how is
this for a concluding paragraph?
I'm always on the look-out for new learning opportunities, including those that are hard to find. After all, who would have expected that in a math class rife with stimuli and, of course, math, my most significant learning experience would come from the boy to my right?
It subtly wraps things up & explains the abruptness in the first para! Or at least I was trying to accomplish that (thoughts on this would be nice=). Now I am up to 496w
Thanks, Ershad!! =)