Here is the prompt: "Stanford students possess an intellectual vitality. Reflect on an idea or experience that has been important to your intellectual development."
The simplest things are often the catalysts of even greater developments. I never would have thought that a mere orange could have such a great impact on me, but what follows is an account of an eye-opening experience that starts with just that one fruit.
I faithfully attend Friday youth group service every week and join in the community service activities. In my freshman year one week, our youth group visited a women's homeless shelter. The children were extremely excited to see us, but one child stuck out with wide, doe-like eyes that tugged me in her direction. As I approached her, I held out an orange as a greeting. Her reaction to this seemingly simple fruit at first confused me. She gingerly picked up the orange from my hand and carefully inspected it, and then suddenly, she sank her teeth right in. The girl had never eaten an orange before! Taken aback, I peeled the orange for that little girl. I later left that shelter with thoughts of this incident swirling around in my head. What was going on in this world that not all children were able to experience the simple joys of an orange? Whatever the reason, I felt a need to fix this problem. This heartbreakingly beautiful girl, because of unfortunate circumstances that were no fault of her own, would not be able to enjoy the comfort of a warm house, swaddled in comforters, the juices from an orange dripping down her chin. She spurred me then to be able to bring joy to those in seemingly hopeless circumstances.
I have a newfound ambition, a driving force, in me that now animates my life. I know now that I want to become a person who brings light to the dark lives of people like the child at the homeless shelter. Currently, I am channeling this energy into Hope Johns Creek youth orchestra, of which I am proud to be a founding member. Through the activities of this orchestra, I have been able to get a head start on my dream, as we have raised over $4000 to donate by giving performances. In the future, I hope to work at the Center for Disease Control or World Health Organization as a public health official and become a person who gives hope and wellness. With luck, I will also be able to pass my dream on to others.
Once again, I am over the character limit so if you see any areas to cut down on, much appreciated.
Also, I'm not even sure if I answered the prompt correctly so please let me know if I'm on topic~
Thanks!
Reading... i will get back to you
Cut the first paragraph; start directly with the story. Don't tell the adcom that this event has had an influence on you; they already know that, because otherwise, you wouldn't be writing about it. And if anything, the first line, "The simplest things are often the catalysts of even greater developments", would go somewhere in the conclusion.
Your second paragraph starts out a bit verbose. I have compressed a little, so you get an idea what I mean.
Every Friday, my youth service group helps out around the community; on this particular week, we visited a women's homeless shelter.
"What was going on in this world that not all children were able to experience the simple joys of an orange?"
^ NO. Rhetorical questions = bad. (for college apps, at least)
This heartbreakingly beautiful girl, because of unfortunate circumstances that were no fault of her own, would not be able to enjoy the comfort of a warm house, swaddled in comforters, the juices from an orange dripping down her chin.
^ This is too ideal and easy to say - thus, most applicants who genuinely mean it (or not) will say it. To be unique, and to get into Stanford, you need to be different. I know this is supposed to be the intellectual essay and whatnot, but right now, you're just saying what you felt. You need the adcom to FEEL what you felt, without you saying it. More description, less analysis.
She spurred me then to be able to bring joy to those in seemingly hopeless circumstances.
^ you don't need to say this. Actions speak louder than words.
I am channeling this energy into Hope Johns Creek youth orchestra, of which I am proud to be a founding member. Through the activities of this orchestra, I have been able to get a head start on my dream, as we have raised over $4000 to donate by giving performances.
^ very wordy. I have compressed it a bit below.
I am a founding member of the Hope Johns Creek youth orchestra, which has raised over $4000 for [insert cause here].
Also, talk less about the experience and more about what you have done after it. If its the only thing you've done, then just expand on the orchestra - the challenges, struggles, whatnot. And connect your essay back to the beginning. It's okay to talk about your dreams, but don't forget about the "beautiful girl". How does she fit in? For ex. did the money you raised help her? If faced with a similar challenge today, what would you do differently? etc. Also, you emphasized oranges at the beginning, and how they've been so crucial, but by the end, you kind of forget about that too.
Thanks for looking at my essay. I was originally thinking of using "splice", but I thought cut was a bit more positive. But if not cut, then what do you suggest?
ok so I changed it up a bit:
Every Friday, my youth group helps out around the community; one particular week, we visited a women and children's homeless shelter. The children were extremely excited to see us, but one child with wide, doe-like eyes stuck out. I drew near, holding out an orange - but her reaction was strange. She gingerly picked up the orange from my hand, carefully inspected it, and then suddenly sank her teeth right in. Taken aback, I gently taught the child how to peel the orange.
The simplest things are often the catalysts of even greater developments. Ever since then, I have wondered about the simple joys of an orange. I used to be unfocused because I was interested in everything, but after this incident, I have a newfound ambition, a driving force, in me now that animates my life. I strive to become a person who brings light to the dark lives of people like the child at the homeless shelter. Currently, I am channeling this energy into Hope Johns Creek youth orchestra, which has raised over $4000 to fight tuberculosis and aid North Korean children. Additionally, I help my school's National Honor Society chapter collaborate with Habitat for Humanity. As we help build homes, I envision the little girl and hope that one of these houses will someday shelter another such homeless child. In the future, I hope to work at the Center for Disease Control or World Health Organization as a public health official and become a person who gives hope and wellness. With luck, I will also be able to pass my dream on to others.
I'm still not sure if this shows "intellectual vitality" or if I should just write on a different topic. Originally, I had planned on using this essay as a sort-of "turning point" essay.
