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Harvest time and teaching season, my summers, Princeton supplement


sina 3 / 6  
Dec 31, 2010   #1
Well, this is my essay. What do you think about it? I'll be glad to know your opinions.

Please tell us how you have spent the last two summers (or vacations between school years), including any jobs you have held, if not already detailed on the Common Application.2500

Last summer
Last summer was harvest time for me. It was time to see the result of success in different exams.
Finally, after lots of efforts, I was able to attend at the "Astronomy Summer School". A school that the most talented students from all over Iran are collected there. Ten students of this group are chosen to be members of the "Iranian Astronomy Olympiad Team". The school's goal is to provide equal educational opportunities for everyone and then decide the bests.

Last season brought me some good friends, and being with them has provided me a valuable experience. Although they were from different parts of the country, but I found them so warm and kindly .We lived in a small dormitory for a season, a season with a lot of experiences.

I had classes about physics and astronomy from morning until afternoon. Our teachers were university professors and this fact helps us to learn the science in its comprehensive and general meaning.

Being with educated friends not only creates a scientific atmosphere, but let you have hobbies like playing sports, performing theater, going to picnic, etc. I'll never forget our music group!

Finally, the school's committee chose me to be a member of the national team, and we are going to the International competition, IOAA, in Poland next summer.

Summer of 2009
That summer was my teaching season! I remember that I was teaching most of the day and I still had enough energy.
I had planned to have a physics class with junior students of my school. But when I saw their willing to have more classes with me, I decided to teach them math and astronomy too. My classes were active and students could find the solution of their questions in teamwork or as an individual.

I wanted to show them the reality of science by seeking into the nature, so we had some field trips. We traveled to different areas and tried to describe the nature by our knowledge. I used to talk about students with their counselor, so that he recognizes them better. I wasn't paid for any of these, but I was proud of myself to assist some students!

I didn't only teach; I was a student too! I went to different classes such as music, sport, English, philosophy, etc. I also traveled to far villages to have observational tours. I tried to show the villagers their great starry night through a telescope.

So after that summer, I am a teacher who plays Tar, speaks English, knows about philosophy and have a good relationship with villagers!
livedreamfly3 3 / 30  
Dec 31, 2010   #2
Finally, after lots of efforts, I was able to attend at the "Astronomy Summer School". A school that the most talented students from all over Iran are collected there. Ten students of this group are chosen to be members of the "Iranian Astronomy Olympiad Team". The school's goal is to provide equal educational opportunities for everyone and then decide the bests.

A LOT OF TELLING. and unclear phrases. i think the transitions need to be much smoother.

We lived in a small dormitory for a season, a season with a lot of experiences.

Finally, the school's committee chose me to be a member of the national team, and we are going to the International competition, IOAA, in Poland next summer.
Summer of 2009
That summer was my teaching season! I remember that I was teaching most of the day and I still had enough energy.

TOO MUCH TELLING.

My classes were active and students could find the solution of their questions in teamwork or as an individual.

how were they active?

i think you need to focus on one part from that summer.
there's too much "jumping around."
sounds like a unique experience though. :)

***PLEASE EDIT MY COMMON APP!
OP sina 3 / 6  
Dec 31, 2010   #3
Thanks.Any one else?It's urgent.
YK1 2 / 20  
Jan 1, 2011   #4
Thxs for your comments :)
ThereLast summer was a great combination of simplicity, love and resistance thereTake out the You. And though you have beautiful imagery don't start those three sentences with I unless you're using parallel phrasing or trying for emphasis.

I was on a trip with my friends. We chose to travel to the desert instead of having an ordinary vacation at the beach or the jungle. I found For me, the desert #FF0000was the most beautiful place on the earth; you would find "yourself" in its silence and attempt to be a beneficial person. The villagers were simple and diligent. I saw how they live on a land that was just dust and soiم<-- Sorry does that mean soil? . I realized their effort to be useful, not only for themselves, but for the nature too.Explain how what clearly what their effort is and how they tried to help nature I follow them from the groves to the aqueducts, from the Holy Mosque on top of the mountain to the bottom of the wells, and I understood how your beliefs can blend with the nature; they convert a wasteland to a heaven and subdue the sand storm! Try rephrasing this sentence

I noticed that you switched verb tenses alot :) try sticking to the past.

Love your next paragraph :) definitely shows you.
Anonymoussenior 17 / 133  
Jan 1, 2011   #5
dust and soiم
- is that supposed to say soil or maybe sand?
I understood how ones beliefs

are these two different essays or one big essay?

when I saw their willingness to have more classes with

students could find the solution to their questions through teamwork or individually

I wanted to show them the reality of science by seeking into the nature , so we took some field trips - weird phrasing you may want to change some of the words.

and have a good relationship with my students!
perplexity215 3 / 17  
Jan 1, 2011   #6
instead of having an ordinary vacation at the beach or the jungle

instead of an ordinary vacation to the beach or jungle.

on top of the mountain

on the mountain top

bottom of the wells., and I finally understood how your beliefs

you would find "yourself" in its silence and attempt to be a beneficial person.

I could find myself and attempt to be a beneficial person.
[try sticking to mainly first person instead of second]

I remember that I was teaching most of the day and I still had enough energy.

I remember teaching many hours and still had a surplus of energy at the end of the day.

seeking into the nature

have a good relationship with the students

has a good relationship with her students.
[sorry, i cant tell if you're a guy or girl :/]

I dont know, but i dont think the exclamation marks are necessary. The content is good. I think your writing could be a little smoother in some parts. Your essays are good overall! :)


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