Hey guys, I was wondering If I could get feedback on this CU Boulder prompt. It'd be much appreciated, thanks!
The University of Colorado Boulder's Flagship 2030 strategic plan promotes exceptional teaching,
research, scholarship, creative works, and service distinguishing us as a premier university. We
strive to foster a diverse and inclusive community for all that engages each member in
opportunities for academic excellence, leadership, and a deeper understanding of the world in
which we live.
Given the statement above, how do you think you could enrich our diverse and inclusive
community, and what are your hopes for your college experience?
The sky was clear, the sun was out, and it was hot. Very hot. In front of me sat 9 individuals on a fallen tree trunk, ages 16-27, their eyes fixated on the words I was scribbling on the portable white board in front of them. Suddenly there was a murmur behind me. "Adam?" "Yes, Slavko?" "What is the use of school uniforms in the United States? I simply don't understand their function." The ensuing conversation-and subsequent debate-lasted the remainder of the morning and effectively ended the English lesson that day. Welcome to day 2 of New Life Church's English Camp in L'viv, Ukraine.
This past summer I had the unique opportunity to embark on a mission's trip to teach English with my church overseas. The 3 ˝ week excursion entailed everything from construction in sheets of rain to the weeklong English camp previewed above. It blessed me with multiple opportunities to lead and mature, and I truly believe that the lessons and situations I experienced overseas demonstrate the skills and assets I can bring to enrich CU's diverse and academic atmosphere. For one, I had to implement extreme patience when working with Ukrainians through the language barrier, and I believe this ability to listen and work with others-despite adversity-is something I can bring to Boulder's community. Additionally, while we were overseas our team faced a rather intriguing problem; we realized that we had failed to put together a worship team. However, despite this fault, my teammates and I worked together, and although it was rough, we got the job done. Adversity is guaranteed in life through ways unexpected, and just as I was able to overcome it in Ukraine, I believe I can take my problem-solving skills and put them to use in Boulder's inclusive community.
Most importantly, however, were the relationships that I built while on the trip. The multiple perspectives that I experienced through conversation and community on a vast complexity of topics really broadened my vision of the world. For me, one of the most appealing aspects of attending college at a large university is the numerous opportunities it brings to meet hundreds, if not thousands, of people who each have unique, individual ideas and viewpoints on the environment that surrounds us. Because of this, I strive to meet people with a positive persona in an attempt to deepen my understanding not only of them, but of the world. The relationships I built in Ukraine taught me that in reality one does not have to have an array of amazing qualities to enrich a diverse community. You simply have to listen. Why? Because everyone has their own story, and everyone's story counts.
feedback about intro, too much arty words that don't lead to where to what you want to talk about.
I really like how you are writing with a Christian hand (from word choice), it's different. :]
It blessed me with multiple opportunities to lead and mature, and I truly believe that the lessons and situations I experienced overseas demonstrate the skills and assets I can bring to enrich CU's diverse and academic atmosphere.
this is your main point. Maybe you can put more towards this. Use more words to describe things toward that end.
extreme patience, try for something better worded/phrased.
I'm interested in how you put together a worship team without a worship team? haha, talk about that.
I like that you mention the part about relationships, but take out the large numbers.
Overall, story is good. the enrich part... about you being open to ppl...that's a plus, I think you do a good job with the first para about the lessons. However, can you fit that more closely with the prompt?
awesome thanks for the feedback. Do you think I should directly tie my faith into it? or would that be looked down upon? As for the anecdotal introduction, if I reworded what you said my main point was into it, would it be more of an appropriate response to the prompt?
