This probably isn't the final copy that I would settle with, but it's my admissions essay.
Discuss an accomplishment or event, formal or informal, that marked your transition from childhood to adulthood within your culture, community, or family.
Some nights when I am cooking dinner for my father and I, I can't help but notice the small round scars on my arms. Yet I do not think of her. I have chosen not to remember the pain and unspeakable memories my mother has left me, but instead I have chosen to pick up the pieces she had left broken from the start.
As I was growing up, I assumed my life had been normal. Looking back now, I learned it was not normal to be denied more than one set of clothing. I learned that you should be allowed to bathe more than once a month. I learned that it was wrong for your mother to throw things at you or put her cigarettes out on your arm for entertainment. And all this time I grew up thinking that it was normal for your mother to say, "I hate you" considerably more than "I love you".
When my mother passed away, I became an excellent actress. At the age of eleven I was pretending to grieve so that my family would not know the truth. I felt nothing, yet at the same time felt everything. The weight was lifted off my shoulders. She could not hurt me anymore and there was no more pain, but I still felt the need to hide what happened to me. My family could not believe that their beloved daughter, sister and wife was actually gone, but they did not know she was secretly a controlling, abusive, and manipulative woman who was only stopped by death.
Many cultures have a specific ceremony that marks coming of age. I, however, did not have a bat mitzvah or a quinceańera. I was slowly becoming an adult before my very eyes. I was forced to learn to cope with everything on my own. I taught myself to do the minuscule tasks that my mother never even bothered to do for our family, like cooking, cleaning, or doing laundry. I used all my strength to hide the abuse that occurred and tried my best to maintain my composure. My coming of age was marked by taking on a huge responsibility at a young age while trying to hide the depression, the scars, and the tears.
Growing up is not always a ceremonial occasion. It is not always a joyous time for celebration. Many times, adulthood means facing a harsh reality and learning how to overcome impossible challenges. My personal ascent into adulthood was a difficult process that paved the way to newly found strength. The awakening that I experienced during my childhood has made me into the young adult I am today. Now that I have finally moved past my nightmares, I can set focus on my dreams.
Taylor, this is a timely, eye opening, and heartfelt topic that you chose to discuss. The fact that you are willing to put yourself out there and let the reviewer know about the abuse that you suffered, it just makes the essay all that memorable. I am sure that the reviewer will find his attention drawn to the message of your essay.
While I understand the need to portray the abuse in the relationship with your mother, I found feel that you should also explain how you managed to survive for so long in her hands. I know from experience that a physically abusive relative can really mess with you psychologically. Those are the scars that will never heal. So, in order to show your strength of character and will to survive and overcome, you should offer a paragraph or two to explaining how the abuse made you stronger by showing the reviewer how you dealt with it prior to her death. How did you turn all that negative love into a power that helped you survive until you were given the opportunity to fix your life upon her death.
Showing or telling how you managed to survive in the negative surroundings will be the accomplishment that helped you transition to adulthood. I think it needs to be better represented in the essay in the earlier parts rather than discussing it in only a few sentences at the end. Target your story of maturity due to the abuse in the essay instead of focusing on the abuse itself.
