SMU Application Essay on achievements and contributions

Prompt:Describe the highlights of your most important achievements or contributions. If you have any outstanding talent (e.g. national sportsman, run a successful business, outstanding community service), please include them as well. (Max : 300 words)

I've written almost 400 words,please help me out with the editing ASAP ,need to submit it in a day or two.Also please let me know if I can make any improvements as far as language,grammar or anything else goes :)

Thank You !

Essay : There have been instances, seemingly small and insignificant where I have felt like I have made the smallest of impacts on someone's life and undergone a change in myself.

My week-long trip to Tehri,Uttaranchal was a life-defining time for me. No electricity, morning ablutions on a brown patch of land on top a hilly mountain with the sun shining on my face, farming with the villagers, building a house for people I've never met, and all those late night talks with the them made me how small a dot I am in the canvas of life, questioning the whole purpose of our existence. And yet, I could make the biggest of differences in another dot's journey. On returning I cofounded an organisation called ASAP, where through fund raising events we collected enough cash to sponsor a rural child's education up till tenth grade.

Hydrophobia plagued me for the first 8 years of my existence, but not in the conventional sense. No matter how clear the swimming pool would be, I'd always fear an alligator or a snake was lurking in the depths looking forward to me. So in the summer of fifth grade, I attended a basic water sports course with a nervous heart and a tense mind. Those two weeks made me realise that just beyond your fears, hangs the fruit of ecstasy. All you have to do is reach for it and not look down.

The reception I received when I joined my new school, in twelfth grade, was hostile to say the least .Dressing in casuals didn't help. Vivek was the only guy who spoke to me on that first day, and so became my only friend for the rest of the year. Teachers advised me against his company owing to his poor academic record. During our finals I was comfortable with my preparations. Vivek on the other hand almost became a runaway .He spent the next one month at my house, and I taught him all I thought I knew, and he proved of invaluable help in Chemistry as well as company. The results were announced; when I called him all I could hear was loud screaming .He was a special friend for he taught me more about myself than I would've learnt in a lifetime.

These three experiences instilled in me the values of compassion, determination and teamwork.

Hello :) I can help with your paper. The first thing I noticed was your concluding sentence, it stands outside of the final paragraph. I would like to see three paragraphs of basically the same length it looks more appealing to the eye. I have a few suggestions for your grammar.

1)There have been instances, seemingly small and insignificant where I have felt like I havemade a smallofimpact on someone's life, and undergonewhich led to a change in myself.

2)There was no electricity, and we had morning ablutions on a brown patch of land on top a hilly mountain.I rememberwith the sun shining on my face as I farmed with the villagers, and building a house for people I had never met.andAll of those late night talks with the the locals made me howrealize that I am a small a dot I amon the canvas of life.I spent many hours questioning the whole purpose of our existence.

3)And yet, I could make the biggest ofdifference in another dot'sperson's journey. OnUpon return, I cofounded an organisation called ASAP, where through which fund raising events we collected enough cash to sponsor a rural child's education up until tenth grade.

Thanks so much Jennifer :)
The concluding sentence has me stumped to be honest :/ I want to end by telling them what qualities I gained through those experiences ,but can't seem to able to find a way of doing so without it looking odd and out of place :/

Also,are there any parts you think I should get rid of completely,considering I'm overshooting the word limit by about 90 words right now ?

Focus on the first experience as it is richer and fuller than the other two.

Answer these questions:
1) How long ago did you make the trip?
2) Were you alone? Who mentored you?
3) How did you get supplies?
4) How did you learn to build a house?
5) What were the names of some friends or villagers? What was your interaction with them?
6) ASAP in English means "as soon as possible." Do not use the acronym. What does it stand for?
7) How were you able to get schools' involvement in education?

Suggested structure:
P1) Introduction to the area and problems you encountered.
P2) Solutions you provided. Team work that paid off. People who inspired you.
P3) Your non-profit organization--how you were able to get funding and involvement.

Revise and then I will offer grammar advice.

Hi, thanks for reviewing my essay!

I have a suggestion for you, since the question asked about your MOST important achievements or contributions, why not just select one of those three you deem MOST important and elaborate and dwell on it? Because I have a general feeling that your paragraphs are not very developed! hope it helps :)

Alright,so this is what I could come up with.Please help me out with editing too because I need to trim the essay down to 300 words,and I'm over shooting by 230 words :/

Thank You :D

In the summer of 2009,I made a week-long trip to Tehri, a small village in the north Indian state of Uttaranchal, as part of a youth volunteer program. I made this trip with some of my classmates and coordinators from the organization behind this program.

It was my first time in a village, and also my first shot at community service. Hitherto devoting my services to books and video games .We were instructed to bring our own supplies, from mosquito repellant to a clean set of underwear. Using a primitive stove and a portable gas cylinder, we cooked our own food which turned out to be a cup of Maggi more often than not. The village school was our camp, as summer break was going on. There was no electricity except for a couple of bulbs in some rooms. A green patch of land on the other side of the hill became our toilet.

I spoke to the villagers about their daily routine, their struggles and how they overcame this .I realized that we faced the same problems in our daily lives, it's only our approach that differs. For instance, if I tear one of my shoes, I don't think twice before I go out to buy a new pair. But, kids here just gave their shoes to their mother who repaired it to the best extent she could and the child would continue wearing the same.

Building a two-room house was one of the most challenging jobs I have undertaken till date .I had the fairly menial seeming job of transporting bricks, but that 500m trek up and down with a basket full of bricks made me see the kind of pain, hard work and effort it takes to build something from scratch. One of the evenings, after playing with the kids there, I got talking to Karu, a lively and positively cheerful eleven-year old. He started talking about mathematics and all he'd studied till now, which was 6th grade. He had to stop studying as his family decided to invest in more profitable avenues than education.

As the week flew by, I spent my last meal and night there with this small family who owned a ration shop. Supper included sugar-coated bread and cold milk, reflecting much of their aspirations from life.

The idea of SAP-Student Action Program came to us while we were trying to think of things that we gave to the villagers in return for their precious friendship. Our strategy was to utilize all the resources a middle-class urban student possessed to uplift the educational standards of rural kids. We opened a brownie stall in school for a month, which was functional thrice a week, and also held a comical skit depicting the lives of the people we met and their hardships. We then collected spare books and stationary from students in our school and from friends in our neighborhoods as there was a lack of educational material in the village school .Through our trip coordinator, all the cash and material we collected was successfully sent to the village. Karu is currently studying in class 8 as part of the government's right to education act.

299 words.
I don't think I could have planned that. :)
I added the sentence about Karu as a footnote at the bottom. It flows better that way.

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