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"My soccer career; I had broken my collar bone" (meaningful event UF essay)



saulforschool 1 / -  
Oct 27, 2010   #1
In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service.

It was at that moment that I felt the adrenaline rush within me: it was the 2007 soccer season and my team was playing against one of our rivals from Davie, Florida. My teammate lobbed the soccer ball over my head. I quickly turned around and out ran the defenders. The goalie then dove at my feet, while I tried to dodge him. Unfortunately, it was too late. The goalie clipped my feet and lodged me in the air, causing me to flip. I had broken my collar bone. Truthfully, this incident led me to a more academically focused high school career.

At the time of my injury, I had been playing soccer for ten years of my life, and made sure I had time soccer. Up until tenth grade, I never pushed myself academically. Because my soccer career was temporarily ended, I decided to take my first AP class in tenth grade: AP Psychology. Throughout this year, I also discovered a love for math that I had never noticed before. Mathematics captivated me, revealing my inner talent in this subject. I ended the year with the highest grade in my pre-Calculus class. From that point, I knew that for college I wanted to major in mathematics. Because of this inspiration, I was determined to excel my junior year. I moved to taking four AP classes. My 98% in pre-Calculus allowed me to skip Calculus Honors- which is a pre requisite for AP Calculus AB/BC at Cypress Bay- and move straight into the AP math class I had wanted. This drive kept me going throughout the year. By the end of my junior year, I received a five on the AP Calculus AB, AP Calculus BC, and AP Physics B exams. My success in these courses kept me motivated even through my senior year. Most students try to find an easier route their last year of high school, but I am taking some of the hardest AP courses available. My desire to succeed overpowered the various mind-numbing, sleepless nights that I had to endure to receive excellent grades.

My grades were not the only thing I had to worry about during my years in high school. Just like everyone, I had responsibilities. I drove my younger sister to places, participated in various clubs at my school, and remained successful in my classes. When I began driving in eleventh grade, I received many responsibilities. Not only did my parents trust me with a car, but also trusted me with a new independent life. I had to start leading an independent life full of errands and appointments. But all these appointments and errands had to be settled after school affairs. Since I excelled in math, I joined the Math Honor Society. I tutored students in all types of math on Monday and Wednesday. This forced me to master time management skills. I knew Monday's and Wednesday's would be very busy for me; therefore, I planned my schedule accordingly. If I had a test on Thursday, I would make sure to use my time on Tuesday wisely. But one of the greatest moments was when I realized that my closest friends, who were in Mu Alpha Theta and most of my AP classes, were my second family. I became part of a tightly knit, yet competitive Cypress Bay community. I was also a part of my school's community through other clubs such as DFYiT and Photography Club. And in twelfth grade, I joined the Science Honor Society and Science Bowl, which have increased my knowledge in the scientific realm.

Entering college is a major decision for me, just as it is for every other high school senior. College is different, difficult, and very stressful, but I know that my rigorous high school courses and time management skills have prepared me for my future in college.

There is always at least one experience in a person's life that alters expectations. Some paths are detrimental and some are beneficial. The experience of breaking my collar bone fixed me onto a path that will continue to lead me towards a successful academic and social life at the University of Florida; where I can extend to a greater community and higher education.

donrocks 5 / 120  
Oct 31, 2010   #2
Hello,
Let me say one thing before reviewing is that even if they write that tell us about some or the other significant experience.... even then you have mention everything that is reflecting you. The personal touch is there in the essay but tending all always to negative. That was one major drawback.... you need to show your positive and not a whiner. Okay.

PARA 1: So, informal. I know nothing of what you were feeling. It should like... one insane moment and... goalie clipped my feet... Those lines are needed in few places and not in excess to add some flavor to the essay.

PARA 2: No linking.... Psychology and mathematics have no connection. A essay needs to be linked very beautifully to be a smooth and appealing read to the readers. AND THAT'S YOUR AIM... MAKE THE ADMISSION COMMITTEE SIT UP AND NOTICE YOU. ;)

PARA 3:

My grades were not the only thing I had to worry

ummmm.... wouldn't it be better to say how how life has made you responsible. Keep the tone not of worry but of challenge and overcoming it. AND HOW THIS MADE YOU READY FOR COLLEGE CHALLENGES..

Post a new draft with some of these changes so we can work more on it.
Hope this helps... :)


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